(this is my first Reddit post EVER, so bear with me here!)
Alright so my father (47M) and I (15F) have never fully gotten along. He is by far no where near the worst parent on earth, but he can be very hard to live with more often than not. I’m at that age where I’ve begun to value my alone-time a lot more than i have previously, mainly because i’m surrounded by everyone all of the time between school, and my sports/activities. My father seems to know this, but i don’t think he understands, or at the very least doesn’t care. The way our house is set up is essentially 3 different "lounge" rooms, or TV rooms. All of which are fully furnished and heated, so there is no reason to be in one room opposed to another. I personally prefer to sit in the front-most room (we call it the den) because it is much more cozy, and more closed off, so if i make a mess (from dishes, crocheting materials, homework, etc…) i’ll have time to clean up before my parents notice and get mad. My father tends to have down-time around the same time as me, because he works from home and he’s always downstairs with me. THIS is not what i have a problem with, though. What i DO complain about is when I am sitting in the den, watching whatever it is i’m watching, minding my business ALONE, and my father waltzes in, starts wandering around the room, commenting on my shows, and bothering me on purpose (for his own amusement, of course). I have explained to him in a very strait forward manner that after school, or my sport, I enjoy and value my time alone, because it’s a nice way for me to unwind, without being cooped up in my room all the time. He was being pretty good at respecting this, until a few weeks ago. Tonight I finally snapped. I paused the TV, stopped what I was doing, and sighed LOUDLY. My father looked at me and said "why do you hate me so much. you make me feel unwelcome in the house that I pay for", which is fair, i suppose, but it’s not my intention. I’m simply trying to take a break from everyone else for an hour or two daily. i’ve tried to ration with him and explain the difference between hating someone, and wanting to be alone for a bit, but he wasn’t having it. I don’t know what else I can do, and i’m now wondering if I did something wrong. How should I handle this going forward?
YTA, you have your own room. spend alone time there. Your parents provide the shared spaces <and your room>.
Yes. The key word is shared. You can’t block others from shared spaces.
Wow! I can’t believe you were so rude to your father! He’s 100% right, it’s his house that he pays for and you’re going to give him attitude for walking in the room and daring to talk to you?
If you want alone time, go to your room. Go sit outside in the yard. Take a walk. But don’t be rude to your father. He’s being a good dad by being interested in you and talking to you. Go apologize.
OP’s entitlement is beyond belief and she could use the time improving her language skills instead of behaving like an exhausted mother, just back from work.
I think you need to actually spend real time with your father but also he needs to respect your boundaries. Everyone kinda sucks here. I think you should initiate the conversation. Sit him down let him know you love him and maybe set up a day to have some quality time. But reiterate that you just really need some unwind time.
NTA but you will have to change your behavior eventually. I am also an introvert and it FEELS like he is bothering you on purpose, but more likely he is trying to connect and does not understand what you need. Then he got hurt and snapped at you (parents are fallible people too, I bet he feels like he fumbled that interaction).
You are becoming old enough to voice your needs and boundaries. When you want to be alone, go somewhere (your room?) where you can be ALONE. If you are in a shared space, your dad may show up, it is his house as he mentioned. Have a quick word with him (again this is a learned life skill you will need for the rest of your life- you can’t just blank people whenever you want, no matter how burnt out you are) and then say something like, “Hey dad I’m pretty tired and need a little alone time, let’s talk after dinner?’ Then really try to get some quality time with your dad. I bet he will stop just showing up and talking at you once he feels like you are both working on a stronger connection.
Gotcha! thanks so much!! i have tried going to my room, but then my mom gets concerned because both my sister and i have had “incidents”, so both our parents are more comfortable when we’re out and about (now realizing this is something i shoulda mention in my post!), but i do understand where you’re coming from! Also my father is the very “teas-y” type and has expressed he enjoys getting in my nerves, but i lm definitely biased as i’ve had to live with it for so long! thanks again for your insight!
YTA. It sounds like you dad wants to spend time with you and you are pushing him away. I also doubt he’s trying to bother you on purpose.
INFO: Are you certain he’s ‘amusing himself’, or is he perhaps trying (clumsily) to connect? When he comments on your shows, take the opportunity to go full info-dump on him. Or the crocheting. (NB: I am also an introvert. I have scared people away by info-dumping – and also found people who were actually fascinated, and could be ‘comfortably alone together’ with me.)
EDIT: Dad is one of those people who thinks it’s ‘funny’ to be annoying af. OP is NTA.
Yes, i am certain that he’s amusing himself, because he has in fact told me directly that he finds it funny when he gets in my nerves. I do now realize that i may be glorifying it, but this is his intent. I also completely understand the ‘comfortably alone rogeather’ idea, but i’ve never enjoyed it much. when im alone, i prefer to be ALONE, but i could give it a shot! thank you so much for your insight, and advice!
As the mother of a near-teen, I 100% think the dad is trying to find a way to connect.
>I 100% think the dad is trying to find a way to connect.
This may be so, but I think dad needs to realize that the teasing approach isn’t working, especially when he is doing it primarily for his own amusement and telling her as much.
Dad needs to decide whether he wants to get his jollies teasing or have a good relationship — because he can’t have both. IMO the only way they are going to enjoy their time together is if he realizes that he’s the only one viewing the teasing as a positive interaction and that he needs to drop it.
NTA, and surprised so many people here are being so old school about this. Your dad is the adult here so should be doing more to be aware and respectful of how you feel. Your afternoon is a time you need to recharge, while he’s looking for in person interaction probably for the first time that day and expects you to be it. “He pays for the house he gets to be wherever he wants” is just a bad, bad take. I think it sounds like your dad could be taking this personally and coming around more than he needs to because he’s insecure about feeling rejected and about his teenager growing apart from him in some ways. But parents need to not make situations like this about themselves.
Not that I think it’s your responsibility to be the more mature one here, but in order to resolve what’s bothering you and get what you need, maybe sit down with him sometime and ask him to talk. Say something like this “I felt bad when you said I must hate you because I don’t. I am more of an introvert than you are, and I feel really exhausted after a long day dealing with people. That’s the time I really need some alone time and it seems to be the same time you feel like talking. Can we find a way for me to get what I need which is all about me, not about you, and maybe find other times to do stuff together?”
You might have more success if you just pop into whatever room he’s in and acknowledge him before you retreat to the den. When you say hi to him, explain how overstimulated you are and that you’ll be watching TV in the den alone to unwind. Would he consider letting you have a TV in your room? Or even a little projector you could stream with?