So for context I am not in the best financial situation, I live with my mom. Not the best circumstances for a 38 male but 400 applications later and no call backs after being laid off from my last job, it’s been rough. I also am disabled (scoliosis/degenerative joint disease) so I wake up every day in pain, this makes me not the most happy of person but I do try, my mom is aware of this about me. So today she comes to ask me “do you have laundry, I am doing mine”. I was just waking up, in pain and said not in a chipper tone “yeah, give me a second”. Apparently by her reaction you would have thought I told her to drink a bottle of cyanide. “Never mind!” She angrily retorted. This has been a snap shot of my whole life, most of my family her included, wanted people to say what they mean and mean what they say except for me. I always was tone policed. I don’t want to chalk it up to that’s just the way it is. So this is why I am bringing it to Reddit because if I Am The A-hole I can then change and be better. So Reddit, AITA?
YTA.
I have chronic pain every day. I dont take it out on ppl I love and I dont treat them like crap.
Grow up. Do better.
first i just want to say i’m sorry to hear about your situation. living in pain and trying to survive/find work/maintain work is an absolute drag. keep trying, something will come through!!
you’re NTA for having a less-than-peppy moment first thing in the morning. that’s a pretty normal reaction. maybe your mom experienced something that morning that made her particularly sensitive to your reaction? i understand how you’re feeling with being tone-policed, so maybe this is a pattern that can’t really be explained away. NTA. might be some considerate repair work you can do, but don’t let yourself be gaslit. able bodied people have no idea what masking is like when you’re in constant pain.
You should be more appreciative of people doing things for you
I have a degenerative chronic pain issue as well but I know it’s on me to be thankful for the support I’m given, because it’s absolutely not owed
YTA
YTA.
Your mom is letting you live in her house and she offered to do your laundry. You find a way to fake being “chipper” and appreciative.
I have chronic pain as well and mornings are hell. But I don’t take out my pain on other people.
I mean, she’s coming to do you a favor but idk how “yeah, give me a second” could get too sideways just from a grumpy voice. Given you said you spoke “not in a chipper tone” but she “angrily retorted” I think maybe you’re both a bit sensitive at this point.
“Thanks, yeah, I just need a second.” You don’t have to sound chipper, you just have to use polite words. I’m sorry for your pain, but YTA.
As someone who has 50 different chronic illnesses I had to learn that people around you don’t understand how you feel. You can tell them but they won’t understand. Ask them to have a little of grace and tell them you’ll do better. Walking up for me is like Russian Roulette, some days you walk up in just pain so you think you can do 10 things on your list but then you over due it and you’re out of the next 3 days. Or you walk up in so much pain that you know nothing is going to get done today. You use every device that has helped before plus your meds. Heating pad is my favorite but you have to find the old ones because the new ones suck.
Both parties need to have a little grace. I always say I’ll take the pain so no one in my family has to. I even got type 1 diabetes at the age of 42. Like what the hell.
I’m going with NTA here because of your mom’s reaction that feels… aggressive.
I think in general those in our lives deserve grace. If you’re not normally snippy to your mom, show appreciation for things she does, and aren’t always the victim, you’re allowed some grace first thing after waking up and in pain.
I’ve got people in my family who struggle with real, chronic pain (including pain resulting from less than successful scoliosis surgeries) and some do their best to not take out their discomfort on those around them and others make it their whole personality. The second group can sometimes wear on my patience but if they were just waking up and prone to being in pain right then, I’d still give them a bit of grace and not snap “nevermind then” just because they didn’t hop too or be effusively thankful.
I don’t have chronic pain but I’m prone to unfriendliness when first waking up.
NTA
People like this often strike (consciously or unconsciously) when you first wake up because you’re groggy and defenseless. I’m so sorry this is happening for you.
Strike?! She was offering to do him a favor, not asking anything of him
NTA. Yeah, you could have been nicer, but sounds like she reacted as well. I know what you mean about the tone police though.
Anybody can have an off moment. Just tell her you’re sorry. Hope you’re feeling better. Chronic pain is so draining.
Give her a break. I sense you’re not an entirely easy person to live with, and her reaction is only a bit much if your “not chipper” answer wasn’t the sort of tone you reckon is being policed.
Not to disparage your sympathetic situation, but YTA a bit here, sorry.
Perhaps if you’d said, “Yeah, thanks so much,” in the very same tone, this interaction would have had a different outcome.
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain during a time of so much stress and disappointment on the job front, and I hope you’re connected with a top notch pain clinic with medical staff that takes what you’re going through seriously and is working to help alleviate your pain. Of course you don’t wake up jolly. But it sounds like your mom is trying to be as helpful as possible, and I don’t think she was reacting to your tone, but to the complete lack of gratitude or even acknowledgment of the fact that she was offering to do some physical work on your behalf.
If, in fact, you say thanks and you still get tone-policed, then your mom would be the A. But as it stands in this particular interaction, light YTA.