I (F14) have always celebrated my birthday with my relatives since I was a kid. The only memory I have of an actually fun birthday I had dates back when I was 3 I believe. Since then,every year,I celebrate my birthday at my aunt’s house,with my mom’s side of relatives. This year my mom had a huge fight with my uncles I’m not gonna go in detail about, just know that at this point almost everyone in my family has something against me and my mom. Including my grandpa,who was the one basically forcing me to celebrate my birthday with them every year. However later on came my birthday, and my grandpa still wanted me spending the day with him. I refused,since he always talks bad about me and my parents and I don’t wanna spend my technically special day with someone who literally hates me. I told my mom I didn’t want to go, explained why,and told her I wanted to hang out to an arcade with my friends instead. She got mad at me because I should have accepted,she tried convincing me but I still refused to. She called me ungrateful and said I couldn’t go out on my birthday. It’s been months now and she’s still mad at me. So,AITA?
NTA you shouldn’t have to spend time with people who say bad things about you especially not on your birthday. I’m sorry your entire family is terrible.
NTA, your mom and grandfather are. Your mom because despite likely knowing how the fight affected the family dynamic, she tried to push you to go to them and seems to br semi-blaming you for something completely out of your control.
Your grandfather is an entirely different issue. He is using the fight his kids had against his grandchild who had nothing to do with it. Anyone who takes something completely unrelated to one person and starts berating them to other, doesn’t deserve to have the person continue being around.
From what it sounds like you’ll likely have to go no contact with your mom and her side of the family at some point in the future once you are on your own.
Yeah I probably would. I’m saving some money ATM so as soon as I turn 18 I can move out and hopefully go no contact
NTA when we’re adults people keep telling us that we don’t have to expend labor on people who don’t like us while not realizing that as children we had the same right to say no
Spend your birthdays with people you like. Not those who don’t like or respect you. I hope as you get older you start having birthdays you enjoy with people who care about you 🎈
NTA…It’s wild how people demand you celebrate your birthday in a way that makes them happy. Kinda defeats the whole ‘your day’ concept.
And calling you ungrateful while ignoring why you felt uncomfortable is weird.
NTA You being used as a pawn in someone else’s game of chess. Not your board, not your rules and remember the pawns get knocked out first. So step off the board and create your own birthday games and traditions. I would also start looking for an exit route, as this family dynamic could get a lot worse. Fathers side? Any outlier Aunts and Uncles you could talk to. Probably be a good idea to have a chat with a school councillor and Dr, let them know what is happening and how you are feeling, just forward what you have written here, it is clear and fair. This is not a normal family dynamic and there are people out there who can help
NTA. The family sounds toxic and controlling and your mother is part of that. Not everyone has that happy supportive family, some have to move out and go it alone. Then they meet people who are good for them and they become the happy supportive family.
NTA
I’m a 51 year old mum to a 16 year old teenager who is my biggest joy and my whole world. But whilst that should always be true, it shouldn’t be true for him. He will peel off from his parents and want to see his friends more, and eventually get a partner, who will replace his mum as number 1 in his eyes if all goes well, and he will set up his own life (I hope). All normal and healthy, even though mums miss their little ones. No matter how much I loved when he was little when I meant everything to him, and it was most important to him that I was there at his birthdays etc, we parents have to recognise and encourage when our children have their own thoughts and preferences and allow you to start to grow up.
It is far far more healthy that you spend your birthday doing what YOU want and with your friends. It’s important that you have opinions, and stay exploring the world in a safe way via friends and age appropriate places. Although he always used to see his grandparents on his birthday, nowadays I ask my son to come visit his grandparents on a separate day to celebrate his birthday which he always does. I feel that would be appropriate for you, even if you feel annoyed at your family. Your grandfather obviously still cares about you because he wants to see you even if he’s annoyed at your mum for some reason.
With that parental respect for your opinions, boundaries and wishes you will also respect back, and make compromises for your family. It goes both ways. But can I just say that as a mother, my instinct is to continue to be as controlling or involved in my son’s life because it was my job to do all those years when he was little, and I am very conscious and deliberate not to be. It’s not as easy for mums as you think when you guys start growing up. But still, part of the job is allowing you to grow.
NTA because I don’t think it’s fair to run roughshod over your wishes without working out a compromise, esp when kids look forward to their birthdays so much. (Assuming it all happened as you said). But you should try and talk calmly with your mum over this. I don’t know how mature she is though, given that she’s fallen out with her own family members and dragged you into it – what could you have possibly done wrong at 14? Your family are mad at her not you . And you’re only 14; very difficult for you to be able to navigate that conversation. So I’m not sure what you can do about it.
This just sounds like your mom is feeding you selective info in order to turn you against the family.
NTA. The emotional manipulation in using your birthday as a bridge in family relations is unfair. You have no choice when you are little, but at 14 you can advocate for yourself to not be in the middle of other people’s conflicts. The adults need to take responsibility for their own emotions and communications. It’s not fair to drag you into it. Keep relating to your friends. When you are old enough getting a job can help you gain more independence if you are able to manage it with school.
NTA. I’m really very curious what your mother replied to your statements about the extended family talking bad about your parents, which includes her, and the bad blood between the family.
The only grace, and it’s slight but true, that I will give your mother is that knowing there is a lot of judgement coming from that side of the family, keeping the traditions (like the birthdays) is probably the only way she can stay connected. If she’s not ready to cut ties with them (and keep in mind, things like inheritances, rather than familial feelings, might be in play, and many people get stuck in their upbringing to the point of obsession) then she’ll push for keeping the birthdays and events the same no matter what anyone else says or does.
But that’s not your responsibility.
There’s a funny sense of balance between parents and children. Your parents make decisions for you… until such time as you make a decision for yourself. Once you’re ready to tell your mother that you don’t want to do this, she SHOULD respect that. She has respected it here, although she’s passive aggressively punishing you for it. Very A-hole, on her part.
NTA, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re allowed to spend your birthday how you want and not with people who make you feel bad, regardless of if they’re family or not 😞
This all sounds very weird. Why do you think your grandpa hates you? If there was some genuine issue there, why is your mother so upset with you? It sounds like you are the one with the issues since your mom thought you were awful not to accept. Plus, what does a fight between your mom and your uncles have to do with you? Of course, you shouldn’t be forced to do something you don’t want to but whatever problem there was maybe got worse because you refused to celebrate with grandpa.