Today was my mom’s birthday and last Friday I (16F) called my dad to ask him if he would take me to a record store to get her some vinyls. He got irritated saying that my siblings and I always do this. We don’t celebrate his birthday and then we ask him for money to buy our moms’ presents.
For context my dad has six children, including me, all with different mothers. He’s never been married and all of us are significantly closer with our mothers than we are with him. He also doesn’t celebrate holidays. He calls them "consumerist narcissism" and has told all of us on multiple occasions that "birthdays aren’t special" He always gives me presents on my birthday and comes to my events but my mom has to beg him to come or yell at him and he always acts like it’s a herculean task. So I don’t celebrate his birthday, I used to call him but I didn’t this past year because to be honest I forgot. I tried to call him twice the day after but he didn’t pick up.
On the other hand my mom thinks birthdays are a really big deal. She always gets up really early on my birthday to do a bunch of really cute, special traditions for me that she made up when I was little. And getting presents from me and stuff always means a lot to her on her birthday. So of course I wanted to make sure to get her something on her birthday. But I didn’t have any money so I called my dad.
He always tells my siblings and me to call him if we need anything or need any money so I didn’t think it would be a problem. But he got really annoyed and said that we never do anything for his birthday but always expect him to be around for our birthdays and our moms’. I responded by saying that he doesn’t celebrate birthdays and he said "Correct, so why should I spend my money on your mom’s birthday." Which felt kind of weird to me, considering she’s the mother of his (favorite) child.
He took me to get the gift but he was in a weird mood.
I think I hurt his feelings but I just don’t understand why he would expect me to celebrate his birthday. I understand that there’s a difference in how much we celebrate one another’s birthdays but there’s also a difference in how we feel about birthdays so that seems justified to me.
I just feel like he’s setting up expectations that contradict with how he actually feels but it’s also common courtesy to celebrate yhour loved ones birthdays so AITA
So this man doesn’t celebrate birthdays and doesn’t care for them.
But he suddenly gets angry when you celebrate your mothers birthday and not his?
Suddenly it’s a problem when you celebrate your mothers birthday? Sounds like this guy is just doing this out of spite and envy. Sorta like a “If he doesn’t get special attention on his birthday (his fault) then why should your mother get that?”
NTA.
This is on your father for not wanting to celebrate his birthday. You can’t tell people you don’t celebrate your birthday and then get angry when nobody celebrates your birthday.
Think it’s less them not celebrating his birthday, but also expecting him to pay for their moms birthday.
That’s all good and well, however: this twit didn’t even text him hb and then expected him to give him money.
NTAAAAAAAAAAAAA
yta. you didn’t even send him a text on his bday? or call and bring it up when you did realize? everyone wants to feel special or thought of on their birthday no matter what they say. he still took you to get your moms present but he’s hurt
Yeah this would feel like shit if I was the dad
There are other ways to celebrate someone’s birthday besides buying them something. Your father made it clear that he thinks people shouldn’t be so consumer focused when it comes to someone’s birthday.
Which means there are options that you could choose from, including a phone call, a nicely written letter, a card, you could write him a song, or draw him a picture, or make a collage of pictures of the two of you. It doesn’t have to be something that you purchased.
I think if you were to celebrate his birthday in one of the ways listed above, then he would be more willing to outlay cash to buy your mother things.
NTA
You have to admit, not wishing him happy birthday and then turning around and asking for money for your mother’s birthday is rude. He obviously does like his birthday to be recognised and if you are getting your information about him secondhand then you can’t rely on its authenticity, your mom could be bending the truth. And two wrongs don’t make a right, you are accountable for your actions, regardless of your father’s .
YTA for expecting him to pay for your mom’s birthday present (not his wife) when he doesn’t even want presents bought for him.
Just to clarify, he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday (but I’d hypothesize, maybe it’s because nobody has celebrated his before or maybe his parents instilled it onto him) so there is no demand for you to celebrate it. But kinda feels like a slap in the face to then ask him to buy (he’s providing the money you’re using) for your mom’s birthday gift.
Perhaps you could have called more often esp on his birthday or at least sent a present or card you made.
Well, you don’t have to celebrate his birthday, but I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to pay for your mother’s gifts. You’re sixteen now so depending on where you live you could get a job and avoid his complaints by paying for the gifts yourself. And your mother may be the mother of his favorite child but that still doesn’t mean he’s obligated to buy gifts for her. And I think you should pay him back for the gifts.
OP can also make her mom something instead of buying a present – there are a lot of creative things you can do, even if you don’t have a lot of skills in a particular craft or money for supplies. Writing a poem (no matter how amateurish), for example, costs nothing and has the potential to be really meaningful!
OP, for this particular situation (not the background baggage/drama), YTA – don’t rely on your dad to pay for your gift for your mom; you’re at the age now where it really should be up to you to buy/make gifts.
And make an effort to call your dad on his birthday – set a reminder for next year in your phone calendar now so that you don’t forget again.
NTA. You’re a teenager. You’re behaving exactly like one is expected to.
*but*
To him the situation his reads as him just being your ATM/Taxi when you find every birthday *but his* important and rub his face in it by asking for his labor to go toward someone else’s when he doesn’t even get a cursory text message on his own.
*You* find them important, so you should find his at least important enough to acknowledge if you’re going to ask him to work for someone else’s that isn’t his kid, or feelings are going to get bruised. As they clearly have.
YTA.
Your father isn’t responsible for your mums birthday present.