I (22f) lost my father this year, and I’m still struggling to accept his death. For context, my dad was a huge part of my life when it came to schooling and finances.
I really don’t have much family left. What family I do have left, supported us through this period. My aunt (60’s F) tried her best, even though we aren’t really close. Our relationship has always been strained. It was a huge struggle as a kid, as she tended to connect with my sibling (21) more. During childhood, she was always flaky with our relationship, and I stopped trying to initiate. Both have similar personalities and interests that blend well with each other, so I can understand.
A day after the death of my father, my aunt told us:
1. We had to become adults.
2. We needed to hurry up and get our lives together soon.
3. She asked to get to know me more.
I think she had good intentions with her tough love talk but I was in full-on grief mode. The conversation had us connecting and giving me hope with our relationship though.
During the viewing of the body, I had a poor reaction to seeing the actual corpse, and my aunt reacted by shaking, and telling me to behave.
During a family dinner, she made plans to visit one of my favorite places and grab food with me. My uncle paid a small sum for my final semester at college, and I plan to pay him back as soon as possible. We made plans for a day, and she claimed she’d connect with me soon by phone. I spent three days waiting for her message, but she never sent anything or cancelled. It hurt a lot, my father is dead and it feels like his sister lied about her intentions.
At our next family dinner, she commented that on the day we were supposed to meet, she was in great company with the friends she spent the day with. That comment brought me to tears, before she told me we’d reschedule and I declined.
We stopped speaking, and she returned to only calling my sibling.
(I think it’s important to mention, my sibling also lost their father, and I don’t discourage any support they may receive.) Unfortunately, we both started distancing ourselves from the lack of calls and the frequent requests of free labor towards my sibling.
Yesterday, my sibling went over to her home. She blew up at them and accused us of cutting off communication with her. According to my aunt, she doesn’t want much to do with me anymore and will not be calling me anytime soon. She claims the phone is a two-way street, and she isn’t wrong.
In my perspective, I don’t think she really wanted a relationship to begin with. I think someone that actually liked me would at least send a cancel message, right? But her perspective still matters, and she’s my last living relative left on my father’s side. My uncle still helped me with school, and I intend to pay him back, regardless of the outcome.
TLDR: My uncle helped me pay for school, but I stopped trying to communicate with my aunt after she didn’t follow through. AITA?
She flaked on plans repeatedly and made hurtful comments. Protecting yourself emotionally doesn’t make you the AH.
NAH. I’m probably giving her more grace than need, but when you see this from lens of grief, it seems like everyone is just still in a period of mourning
Aunt lost a brother.
You make a good point
She’s been an adult for some time. You’re just coming out of childhood – and you had a major loss in your life.
I would just let her know she’s acting like a spoiled child instead of a caring relative; if she doesn’t want to communicate with you, it’ll be her loss, and you’ll be just fine.
She may be one of your last relatives, but really, what positivity does she bring?
NTA.
Your relationship with your aunt is based on who you are and who she is, and none of that fundamentally changed when your father died. She felt the need to say “the right thing” at the time of the funeral, but no ongoing need to follow through.
She’s a self-centered person, and that’s not going to change. So feel free to communicate as much or as little as you feel the need to, but certainly don’t allow her to guilt you into holding up more than your half of the relationship.
NAH
It sounds like you are leaving lots of the communication up to her and if she doesn’t communicate correctly then you take it as a sign that she is not interested. I think you should actively try to make the relationship what you want, e.g. by taking initiative and calling her every other day, and see if it works out. Remember she has also lost a brother and she is also grieving.
NTA – blood doesn’t make you family. She doesn’t sound like a great person
NTA. But I don’t think your Aunt is either. I think she is grieving her brother just as you are grieving your father. Her not cancelling was rude, but I do not think it was malicious. Grief can for some and has for me at times made me completely self-preserving. I had so little energy and so little strength left over for others, because I was expending so much energy to just get out of bed in the morning. I think that is happening with you, your sibling and your aunt. And sometimes it was easier to just get angry at someone instead of grieve.
Be kind to yourself. And try to be kind to others. Maybe reach out in text and ask for a great memory she has with your dad that she wants to share when she is ready. It might bring you together to heal and learn more about your dad. A way to keep him alive and share him together.
My Aunt who lost her only child is always so grateful when I bring her son up and we share a memory of him together or I ask her about a memory she had of him.
Wishing you the best journey.
As an aunt and an adult I’m ngl it infuriates me when the eldest person in a relationship pulls the “the phone goes both ways” card. I won’t dive into all the reasons why because I have a lot of reasons. But I just don’t think that’s the line to pull if you actually want a relationship with a younger family member
NTA but info, was your dad close to her or did he have a difficult relationship too? If the latter, then that’s kind of your answer. She sounds like a difficult person. I’d keep the communication lines open with your uncle but basic comms.
Sorry for your loss. I’m 50, lost my dad 2 years ago and it’s still not any easier.
I’m an aunt who has been in this exact situation. NTA. We lost a brother suddenly who had been the only parent to 2 children. He died when they were late teens. I’ve learned that losing a parent, especially an only parent, as a young adult is extremely difficult. You have to grow up suddenly and be a completely independent adult, with no parental guidance. The grief can hit randomly, in moments when you’d normally call your father, like a flat tire, or a school issue. I’ve spent lots of time just listening on the phone, because that’s what they needed. Maybe, in time, your aunt can be that person. Maybe not. Maybe your unxle can be. I know my nieces have also found great comfort from some of my brother’s friends. It has taken a village, but after 10 years, they are doing better. I still get random calls, but that’s ok. Lastly, are you seeing a counselor or therapist? You are navigating alot. If your school offers that, you should take advantage of it. Hang in there.