For context, I’m a 24F. Three years ago, I met my now-husband (23M) and moved from my childhood hometown to his which is about 3 hours away. For the first two years here, I worked at an administrative job while trying to figure out what I wanted to do long term. During that time I met three of my coworkers who eventually became my friends, we talked everyday both in person and through text- and I genuinely thought that we were all close.
About 6 months ago I was able to finally quit that job to pursue my dream career in tattooing. Since then my schedule has been nonstop. I’ve had to build my own clientele base from scratch, handle all communication myself and work pretty much around the clock. There aren’t really any breaks when you’re trying to get yourself established.
The issue is that my friends are now all upset at me because I don’t respond to their messages in the group chat. I’ll react to messages here and there and I’ll check up on all of them here and there too. They’ve told me that because I don’t respond to their texts it makes them feel like don’t care about them anymore. I’ve tried to explain multiple times that my career takes a lot out me, mentally and socially- but I still care about them. I’m just exhausted and trying to make this career work. My husband says I’m definitely NOT the asshole but then why do I feel so guilty?
So, AITA for not constantly responding to my friends while I’m building my career?
For some additional context my friends are in their late 20-30s, they are all starting a new family.
It’s not your fault that your ‘friends’ are too dense to realize how busy and stressed you are with a new job. NTA.
NTA – You’re not an asshole for working to pursue your dreams and aspirations. However, your friends have shown you that they are not understanding in this concept. They have been placed second to your career, and they are expressing that they are not okay with that.
In other words, dont expect for things to go back to how they were before when you get settled. Chances are that these friends are going to harbor resentment and likely keep your out of the friendship circle in the future.
NAH, but It really comes down to how important your friends are to you. Making an effort to communicate is apart of building and maintaining relationships. Everyone’s busy, people just figure out how to make it work
I understand. They are important to me but at the moment I’m finding it difficult to balance both, it was easier having a set schedule of 9-5 but now my career is different. It does hurt that instead of asking how I’ve been they just jump to the conclusion that I don’t care
NTA. They don’t sound very empathetic. “why do I feel so guilty?” A good question for you to ponder. Why think their unreasonable demands are your fault?
NTA, you should not feel guilty for prioritizing your career and your friends should be supportive of you rather than adding stress.
>I’ve tried to explain multiple times that my career takes a lot out me, mentally and socially- but I still care about them.
You’ve explained it to them already so they shouldn’t keep bringing it up and if they do, it might be worth reconsidering the friendships.
NAH it’s okay for you to be frustrated but it’s also okay for them to be annoyed too. Just set some expectations of when you will answer messages. Even if you can take like an hr on the weekend for social time and catching up with the group chat would probably help
You established one type of relationship with these friends, and then completely changed your communication style. You’re prioritizing your work over these friends, which is entirely your choice to make, but they’re also allowed to be upset by that. You said they told you that they feel like you don’t care about them as much any more, and your response was to tell them that…you care more about your job right now than them.
It’s fine if your priorities changed, but they’re allowed to be upset that they are now lower on your list of things to care about. You don’t get to make them be friends with you only on your terms. If their needs aren’t being met – for whatever reason – they’re allowed to say that.
It doesn’t mean you need to change anything, but you don’t get to dismiss their feelings because they’re inconvenient for you. If they want a friendship style that is more immediate and responsive, and you can’t participate in that any more, then maybe it’s best for you all to go your separate ways.
So I’m gonna say you’re NTA for not responding to them, but for expecting them to just go along with the way you forced a change in the relationship, and for dismissing their feelings about it? yeah, YTA
NTA. if my friend got her dream job as a tattoo artist I would be THRILLED for her, but I also have tattoos and know what goes into the process. I have sone big pieces too so I understand the time the process and the actual tattooing can take. Either they dont know this or they think they should come before your career. If its the second option I think you need better friends, a lot of people selfishly think they should be their friends number one priority or they arent friends and that isn’t fair, especially as an adult. My friends and I barely talk but we know the love is never lost and we always pick up right where we left off. I hope for the best op.
I needed to read this. Thank you.
Of course, you sound like a really sweet person who really cares about her friends so its understandable you feel bad, but please understand its not your fault. Im proud of you by the way, congrats on getting into the career you wanted. I hope you thrive and find some friends who will get it and also respect you and your career.
NTA. Real friends understand that a person’s capacity to stay connected and communicative ebbs and flows with life’s changes. If they are truly offended, it sounds like immaturity and inability to put themselves in your shoes. My closest friends and I have gone months without communicating because we are too busy with life, jobs, kids, etc…. No one ever knows what another person is going through. And real friendship means understanding and appreciating a person’s genuine explanation for temporarily going dark, and taking them at their word for it. Sounds like these are people with unfair expectations and you might benefit more from distancing yourself rather than trying to cling to the friendship.
NAH. I have a slightly different insight to this problem. I have a good friend who is also a tattoo artist and I’ve been friends with her over a decade and have known her during the tine she had a 9 to 5 while trying to establish her tattoo career. You can build your clientele and business but you also need to keep your ties to your friends and family. All conversations and relationships ebb and flow over time but you still need to maintain non work relationships.