Some context: My wife isn’t much of a domestic diva. In fact, she’s the opposite. Doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean much or pick up the house. It’s fine, she the earner. I’m the stay at home parent. I’m the cook, the housekeeper, the landscaper, laundry etc. It’s what I signed up for many years ago. Well 10 days ago I had major abdominal surgery. Finally just now getting up and around & the house is a mess. Dishes and laundry piled up, nothing vacuumed, cleaned, or picked up, no food in the house, filthy bathrooms. We’ve got plenty of money to hire a housekeeping service to come in and take care of this stuff but nervous the Mrs is going to get pissed and take it as a criticism that she’s not doing a good job (she isn’t). It’s my birthday in a few days and I know that the question is coming…what do you want for your birthday?” Should I be honest? Does this make me an AH?
NTA – honestly it’s a little disappointing to hear that your wife couldn’t pick up some of the slack while you were down after surgery. I feel like she should have hired someone on her own if she couldn’t do the tasks and you needing to ask for your birthday is silly.
NTA – you’ve had surgery and need help. I can understand you both might be tired. It’s ok to pay a professional to help you. It’s their job, and they take pride in it as long as they are treated well.
NTA.
But sell it as a nice thing to do for the household and ask for something fun to do together for your birthday.
Doesn’t need to be a birthday gift – if you can afford it, it should just be “price of normal life continuing while I’ve had operation”.
Phrase it as parallel to the “holiday cover” she would have in the office if she was out on sick leave.
You don’t expect someone from an entirely different department to do the cover on top of their day job (ie expecting her to do all your job as well as hers while you’re out) – you hire temporary help from someone doing the same skill set.
YWNBTA. Just hire someone. It should not be your birthday gift. I was a SAHM for years – that does not mean you are the sole one responsible for the kids, house and yard. Do you get to work a 9-5?
At my house, I do all the yard work.
If I had an injury and was unable to mow the lawn, we’d hire someone to do it – at least temporarily.
That’s a necessity – not a birthday present.
Be honest – but don’t make it about your wife at all. “While I’m recovering from surgery, I can’t keep up with the house work the way I would normally, and it shouldn’t be on you to pick up the slack, you’ve got enough going on. I’m going to look into getting us a cleaning service, at least until I’m recovered.”
Yep, totally. It’s just about getting some support while healing, not about criticizing anyone. Makes complete sense to be upfront about it.
NTA. When the SAH partner is sick or injured the other partner needs to step up. Whether they do the chores or hire someone to do them doesn’t matter. Leaving everything and waiting for your infirm spouse to clean it up as soon as they get mobile is a slap in the face. Stop worrying if she’ll be mad. What you should be feeling is righteously pissed off and she should be worried about that. Tell her in no uncertain terms that it s&cks that she left everything for you to do later. You are hiring a housekeeper to get things back in shape and will take over again when they are. Also that isn’t your birthday gift. It is literally the bare minimum she should have done 2 weeks ago.
The notion that you have to ask permission to hire a housekeeper is a problem in and of itself.
NTA but be careful how you frame it. Obviously don’t mention that the house is a filthy mess and nothing’s been done. Just that you aren’t 100% and would like a cleaning lady to come help you out a bit?
NTA. Not as a birthday present though. It’s not a gift to you. If your partner can’t even be bothered to wash dishes, they don’t get a say.
NAH. This shouldn’t be a birthday present. It’s chores that need to be done for the benefit of the family. Regardless of how the income and labor contributions are set up in a marriage, sometimes a partner needs to step up and do more when the other is going through difficulties (whether medical, like your case, or something else). This is such a time. You can’t do your part for a while and that’s ok. So ask your wife to hire a housekeeper to pick up the slack. And let your birthday present be something for you, and you alone.
NTA Don’t ask for it as a present. Bring it up in the context of your surgery and her not being able to do both her job and yours. If you are nervous about doing this, you should give some serious thought as to what is wrong with your relationship.
If the genders were reversed people wouldn’t be so concerned about your spouse’s fragile ego and tip-toeing around it. They would be a lot more critical of them not doing more to help you out. They would also wonder why you are so nervous to say anything, or ask for anything, as if you have to disguise needed help as a birthday present in order to get away with it.
NTA
But seriously, don’t make it about your birthday or about implicit criticisms of your wife. Also, why do you have to ask for permission? You’re acting like you’re tiptoeing about your wife’s feelings like you’re not allowed to book a cleaner just because you’re the stay at home parent. Just do it casually – ‘hey, I’m thinking of booking a housekeeper for a few days because I’m still in recovery.’ And that’s it.