My friend and I were really close she had her two kids close in age and I moved around when the second was born. Fast forward in life when I also got married I had a child around (age 1.5) and she moved to where I did. So for starters I never encouraged her to move to my city cause I could not offer her the same type of support as when I was single as my priorities were different. She still moved for her own reasons and then she came over for a play date with her kids (4.5 and 3.5). I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know what to expect but there were hygienic things that put me off but like I said I didn’t know what was normal or not. I became extremely over simulated during this play date. One of her kids chewed my daughter’s toys and everything went in the mouth and the other one took all the toys from her. I have a bit of experience with autistic children and could tell that they were not receiving any supportive services and were not socialized (this was actually correct cause they were not in their old city as well). She was itching to sleep over but I couldn’t do it. After leaving I broke down and decided no matter how our history was my daughter could not have play dates with them. The few play dates that she had she was learning sharing from other kids and having a play date with these kids she was so confused because they didn’t know how to play like the other kids that she had experience and also the noises they make from stimming, she was mimicking them because again she did not understand. It felt overwhelming as a mother to see my child so confused and unable to make sense of what was going on around her and not be able to play with her toys. Then she kept calling my daughter bossy. And during this whole time, she did not even try to stop her kids or to redirect them or anything. Having autistic children is a lot of work and requires constant presence and mindfulness, which I understand but I also feel like that responsibility doesn’t fall on me just because you’re there for a play date and my kid shouldn’t be pushed over so that your kids can run a muck. Autistic children need supportive services and sometimes it’s really hard to get them but as a parent you need to keep pushing for them for their well-being and growth. I felt like it was not gonna help my daughter developmentally. The nail in the coffin was when my friend said that she moved because of me and I did not want that at all. Our relationship before revolved around me catering to her and her needs and I was a supportive friend, but I did not want to sacrifice the needs and wants of my family for anyone at this point in life. We’re still on talking terms and here if she needs to vent but no playdates. So AITA??
I’m not sure the only autistic people in this story are your friends’ kids.
Right? The call is coming from inside the house.
One thing you should keep in mind is that your daughter will not ‘catch’ autism from the occasional play date with these kids. A lot of this reads like you have a fear of your friends’ kids infecting or negatively influencing your daughter, and I just don’t think that’s a real risk, especially since she also spends time with other kids that have more typical development and is otherwise well supported by you and other loved ones. Point being, if everyone treated autistic kids the way you seem to want to treat these, it would be the basis for a lot of prejudice in the world.
But I recognize there is more going on here than you just disliking the kids’ behavior. You felt like they introduced more germs than expected, and that you could see that improper behaviors were not being corrected by an attentive mother, who had the nerve on top of that to criticize your very young daughter, which was totally inappropriate.
All that said, I’m leaning towards NAH. If you don’t feel a kid is the right fit for your daughter, you can make that call. I would encourage you to not cut off ‘all’ play dates entirely, but to consider times and places when it might work out, like an outing to a park for instance…something that isn’t in your house, more fresh air and open space, other kids around, etc. Draw the boundaries you need to draw. While she is seemingly not providing enough support to her kids and her comment about bossiness was AHish, I suspect she is overwhelmed and hoping for a supportive friendship with you, which doesn’t make her an AH overall in this situation.
i. can’t tell whether you’re ableist or also autistic. ESH though, she should really stop her kids from doing that and you should stop acting like her kids are aliens.
ESH. As a mother of a severely disabled autistic child, I feel two ways about this. My kid needs the understanding of other kids to play, and not super little kids like yours. This I understand, and I’m mindful about it. I would have never had him around such a young kid at 4. Play dates are only with very close friends that understand the situation. My kid takes a ton of work and awareness and I’m only with people that assist in that awareness (not do it for me, just having an extra set of eyes outside as he’s an eloper). I don’t find it fair to come to your home for that long and expect you to help her parent her kids, then want to spend the night. Your friends sounds pretty presumptuous and rude.
That being said…your other thoughts around this are pretty gross to me. No being around special needs children will not delay your child’s development, that’s nonsense. No she will not be damaged in any way by their stimming noises. Even is she GASP mimics them! Honestly that point pissed me off the most. Our children daring to be autistic around yours is not a developmental detriment to either party, and it’s wildly ableist for you to hold that view. It seems you believe our kids will damage all the kids in their vicinity if they aren’t able to sit with hands in laps quietly, and therefore shouldn’t be in public since other kids might hear their “noises” and spiral into developmental delay due to them. Also, yes, our kids STILL do this even with support services. My son is 13 and has had every therapy under the sun…still stims! Still has meltdowns! Still is nonverbal! Still doesn’t share well and has the waiting time of a gnat! It’s better, but he’s not magically neurotypical and not disabled because he had services. It’s not a “cure” to what you seem to believe is some sort of infectious disease.
Your “friend” sucks, I’ll happily agree to that, and sounds weirdly clingy, isn’t keeping a mindful eye on her kids, and can’t read the room…but you have your own level of being super shitty in the thoughts and values you hold around neurodiverse children existing near you and somehow permanently tainting your precious little perfect baby. You know there are studies around the beautiful outcomes of neurotypical children having close contact and experiences around neurodiverse and disabled children, yes? Builds empathy, understanding, lessens stigmas, and creates well rounded children that become well rounded adults. Why we see growing amounts of all inclusive preschools and classrooms. So shame on her for overstepping but shame on you for the values you hold about your child experiencing time with people that are different than you/her. I can only hope your daughter learns acceptance and understanding from experiences in school and holds much better values than you do.
NTA. Her and her kids aren’t your responsibility and your daughter is really little. If she isn’t on them at all times and leaving you running around after 3 kids what happens if one of them gets hurt? It’s on her to stop her kids from eating your kids toys. I’d say only planned play dates, not at your house and you’re clear on that you’re happy to help but not take over.
The difference in play at 1.5 and 3.5-4.5 is quite different. My son’s friend is autistic and the same age with no external resources (his parents haven’t even told him). It can be a lot for my son who is in the same age bracket so he typically prefers small visits and they are 13. I think your feelings probably have less to do with the autism and more to do with differing parenting styles and the difference in age between the kids. Everyone kind of sucks here. It sounds like she moved expecting more support from you even though your life is very different as a mom. It would likely help all around if playdates were shorter or in areas with other kids like play places or parks. My son asked questions pretty early about his friend but 1.5 is too soon to be able to really communicate why the differences exist. I really don’t think cutting playdates altogether is beneficial for anyone. Your kid may pick up some things but it is developmentally normal for her to mimic. It is also normal to expose children to diverse groups.
NTA – regardless of the reason, your daughter wasn’t enjoying her time with the other kids and thus should not be further subjected to them. Full stop.
Reason doesn’t matter, your daughter isn’t a tool for those kids stimulation.
Right? I have a daughter, and if another kid doesn’t behave or she isn’t enjoying their playdates, then we just don’t schedule more of them. I don’t care whether they’re autistic or not, that’s not the point.
NTA. Your daughter is only 1.5 years old, playing with older children autism or not is already difficult. They are almost 4 and 5. Kids that age aren’t always gentle. And your daughter might not have built up her immune system quite yet. Do more play dates outside or where there is a play place . 1 to 2 year old toys are way different too.
NTA. You’re not banning playdates because the kids are autistic. You are banning them because their mother doesn’t parent them, allows them to run amok, and expects you to take care of her emotionally. It’s too much. You could try having a calm conversation with her about these issues but I doubt you’ll get anywhere with her and your primary job is to protect your baby.
I think alot of other commenter are grossing over what does sound like a lack of parenting on the other side. I think OP friend is definitely puting to much in her at one.(overnights after one play date is much to fast)
But
Op does seem to need to learn about autism. It doesn’t sound like the kids were being rude or physical with her daughter so its not about protecting her daughter.
Op sounded overstimulated, I find that to be completely normal when you are used to a playdate going one way and bringing in two kids who act much different. Op can chose to recognize she got overstimulated and chose to work on that to a trying playdates but shes in no way obligated.
NTA. Your child is not even two years old. She’s not old enough to understand that the older children are behaving differently because of autism and to learn to give them grace and not expect them to behave the same way as other kids. There’s quite an age gap here between the kids too.
I also don’t like how your friend wanted a “sleepover” between toddlers, seems inappropriate for the age and development. And calling a baby “bossy”??
NTA. They are too old to play like she does, and she’s too young to be able to do anything more than what she already does. 2 running around, energetic kids are not a good play date match for 1 crawling/shakingly walking, less energetic 1 year old.