I’m getting married this November to my high school sweetheart and we’re planning to have an intimate wedding and limiting who can come. Recently, there’s been a development that my cousin assumed that his girlfriend will be invited to the wedding without speaking to us first. She’s not invited because of several reasons: we are not allowing plus ones unless you’re married or engaged and we don’t know her that well and have only encountered her 3 times over the past year. We’ve mentioned my mom, brother, and cousin’s brother that the girlfriend is not invited and they all thought we were crazy for this. With them knowing, we thought my cousin would know by now since my family has the tendency of spreading any news that pops up in the family, but that isn’t the case since they all want to avoid any conflict and drama. In addition, my fiancé and I are Vietnamese and it is tradition to wear our cultural dresses for the wedding day and my cousin’s girlfriend had one personally made for her thinking she would come to the wedding. Knowing my cousin, him and his dad will throw a tantrum that she’s not invited and will throw reasons such as “she had this dress personally made”, “We always welcome you into our family (which we feel different about)”, “She’s family”, etc. So, AITAH for this?
I’m going with a very soft YTA. While it is your wedding and I believe you should get to choose who comes, without any further details about the family dynamics, it seems a bit rude to leave her out. She clearly cares a lot about you, your fiancé, and your family to have a cultural dress made for your wedding. 1.5 years isn’t a short amount of time either, that is a serious relationship. If they were to get engaged would your feelings suddenly change? I’m only asking because it does seem like you just don’t want her there more than you have a set rule.
Lots of long term life partners aren’t married and aren’t engaged, myself included. Not everyone wants to participate in those institutions. You can invite anyone you’d like, but I would ask yourself if you will regret it in 10 years and she’s still around—is it worth it leaving her out for the many years of potential awkwardness to come?
THIS!! I have friends/family that have been coupled for 10, 15, 20 years and aren’t engaged or married for various reasons. The “no ring, no bring” rule is so silly to me.
Yep, my best friend and her partner have been together for 20 years. They have no plans to get married, but I refer to him as her husband to people I casually know since they’ve been a unit longer than some married couples I know.
OP – YTA.
It’s ok to have this policy, but she’s not a new relationship, and you told everyone EXCEPT the people it mattered to.
YTA for not communicating this to your cousin and expecting it to go through family gossip. You can have whomever you want at your wedding – and you are not the ah for that – but not communicating to a family member who is close enough to get an invite that they’re not allowed a +1 and just expecting your family to communicate for you is absolute AH behavior.
YTA because it sounds like you told everyone *except* your cousin and his girlfriend.
INFO
How many other people are not invited because of your ‘no plus ones unless you are married or engaged’ rule? Do you have several friends and relatives not bringing their long term significant others?
When did you, personally, as the wedding couple, inform your cousin that your cousin does not get a plus one?
Did you expect your relatives, who vocally disagreed with your plan, to pass this info on for you, making them the bad guys, and thus allowing you to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
Is the one and half years together really not a significant relationship in your opinion or is there some other reason you are specifically not inviting her?
What does ‘we always welcome you into our family (which we feel different about)’ actually mean?
YTA obviously she was expecting to be invited cuz they’ve been together over a year and she had a dress specifically made. why didn’t you tell them before she had the dress made? why didn’t you tell them directly at all?
YTA
You should have told him
Yes she’s not family
Yes she’s not a fiancee or wife
But you wanted the other family member to be the one telling them and you are a coward
YTA
If you aren’t giving someone a plus one, you tell them. It’s normal etiquette to allow people to bring their significant other, even if they aren’t married, even if you barely know them. I’ve been to tons of weddings where I know nobody but it was important to my SO that I be there.
You should have told the cousin directly. For that alone, you are the ah. You wanted to pass the buck.
YTA
Also, the engaged/Married rule can be insulting because not everyone see marriage the same.
YTA. Are you just relying on the family rumor mill to pass along important details about your wedding?
If you know what your family is like, and their expectations deviate from your plans, then you should have immediately reached out to your cousin personally to tell him yourself that no plus ones will be invited. Nowhere do you say you’ve spoken to your cousin yourself and that’s what makes you an asshole.
And BTW I think “no ring, no bring” is a stupid rule to enforce on every “single” person without any consideration to their actual relationship.
What if they had been together 5 years or 10 and just chose not to get married? What if they’ve been together a couple of years but they have kids together! Still not included because they’re “not family?”
If a person is in a committed relationship and you don’t give them a plus one then you need to accept that 1) they probably will decline the invite, and 2) it will probably damage your relationship with them moving forward.
Plus ones aren’t given on the basis of how well the person is known to the bride and groom. If they were well known to you they’d have their own invitation. They are given because most people don’t like attending these sorts of events without their partner if they have one. You give plus ones to be considerate to your guests not because you want that person there.
You can do whatever you want – it’s your wedding. However, doing what you want doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences. It will damage your relationship with your cousin and probably his entire side of the family. If you are okay with that then don’t give him a plus one. However, if you have an ounce of maturity you will get out of your “main character syndrome” bubble and consider the feelings of your guests and offer people in committed relationships a plus one.
A wedding is suppose to be a celebration of your love. It’s hard to get people enthusiastic about your relationship when you are dismissive of theirs.
The ONLY people who had the responsibility of telling your cousin and his girlfriend that she was not included in the invitation were…you and your fiance.
Don’t try to blame anyone else. This is ALL on you.
YTA.