Hello, I’ll cut to the chase. So I (30F) have a friend (30M) Teddy who hasn’t been employed for 2 years and is being supported by family at the moment while they go into a training program. They have a Bachelor’s degree that’s not very useful without a higher level.
We like to play video games and talk online together every once in a while. However things have been getting kind of awkward recently with a lot of new games coming out and me purchasing stuff after getting another job.
Basically I can tell they get jealous when I get new stuff. There’s dirty looks, comments and irritation. I usually brush it off.
However last week we got into an argument after he noticed some new figures in the shelf in the background. Teddy kind of snapped and asked if it was smart of me to spend money on those things. I said it was my money and that they were on sale and I budgeted for them.
Teddy then sarcastically said it was nice that I can just buy whatever I want when he has to struggle or depend on his SO to buy him stuff.
I blew up and said that it wasn’t my fault that he decided to be unemployed for 2 years and that he had tons of free time and car and free housing. And that he could get a job right now and do training at the same time like so many people I know.
Teddy flustered and said he wasn’t like me that settles for any job (hes afraid of blue collar work) and that right now he needs to concentrate on training.
I told him I was done talking for the night and left. I then got messages from him and his younger family members saying that it wasn’t my wrong for me to poor-shame him.
I asked a friend of mine and she said that I should’ve just said he was rude and left the call and not brought up his employment.
Since people might ask. He’s medicated for depression and has been for several years. And it’s definitely way better managed than when we first met 5 yrs ago. Plus a loving SO and family around to help. I think we both suspect ADHD as well but he refuses to get an analysis due to “not wanting another thing wrong with him”.
I’m undecided about how I feel. So I want to ask AITA?
NTA- Its none of his business what you spend your money on and it certainly isn’t his place to judge what you do with it even if you tell him. He was rude first and needs to grow up and get over the library of excuses he has for being a bum
This! I have zero sympathy for people who think they are too good to “settle for just any job.” Had a cousin in law sit on his butt for years, despite getting offers, because they didn’t offer enough money (despite it being more than the whopping $0 he was bringing in). Meanwhile my cousin worked two jobs to support them and their kid. Go get a part time job while you do your “training.” Or stop whining about relying on others when he is literally choosing to do so. NTA
lol NTA he told his siblings? what a joke.
NTA. But no need to fret over this. Cut him from your life and move on. Its not like your friendship is anywhere other than online. And there are millions of gamers you can play with.
Nta, teddy needs a reality check.
NTA…He’s lashing out at you, but he’s really disappointed with himself. He needs to make the needed changes.
Well, he started that conversation string, so he more or less got what he asked for. So, NTA. But in the future there might be a better way to handle it like ignore such comments/questions.
It was your friend that brought up the difference in affluence between you, not you. Unless you are to some extent flaunting your new games etc.
How does he know you have new games if you don’t tell him?
He is envious.
Your friend sounds like a dumb entitled loser. NTA.
NTA. It’s easier to play the victim than accept responsibility and he probably won’t change because he’s surrounded by enablers. Forget about it, keep your distance, and move on with your life.
NTA. His jealousy isn’t your fault, and he shouldn’t shame you for spending your own money. You were honest, maybe a bit sharp, but he pushed first. Setting boundaries is okay.
NTA. You didn’t “poor-shame” him.
Look, I sympathize with him. I struggle with depression and ADHD, and finding compatible jobs (or a job in general right now) is hard.
But your friend was out of line. He’s jealous and probably disappointed in himself — fine. We all feel that way sometimes. But he needs to learn to handle negative emotions without being rude.
“Teddy flustered and said he wasn’t like me that settles for any job”
Well then I guess he also can’t be like you and ‘Buy stuff for himself like an adult.’ NTA, you’re 100% right
Nta, you didn’t poor shame Teddy, you lazy shamed Teddy for being lazy jealous. People who are jealous of the things people buy through their work aren’t real friends. Teddy is a frenemy.