Well, it goes like this? My name is Bridget (23F) and i share a small two bedroom apartment with my roommate Kayla (22F) We each have our own rooms but the walls are thin, the hallway is tiny and the apartment is basically the size of a shoebox, Kayla is cool and friendly but she has a habit that’s been making me uncomfortable, she brings different guys over late at night. Not a constant rotation but often enough that it’s become a pattern. They’re usually people she’s just met or guys from dating apps. I don’t judge her for how she lives her life, it’s her business. The problem is that our place is small, and I can hear everything. The talking, the laughing, the arguing, the other stuff. And it’s always late at night when I’m trying to sleep because I wake up early for work, Last week a guy came over at almost 1AM and I actually thought someone was breaking in because I heard whispering and the door clicking. I got up, half asleep and scared, just to see Kayla walking in with a guy she didn’t even introduce. The next morning, I politely told her that I’m not comfortable with strangers being in our apartment that late, especially without warning. I said I wasn’t trying to control her life, but I would appreciate it if she either didn’t bring guys over on weeknights or at least let me know ahead of time so I’m not startled awake or i can just sometimes leave the house for her and her guests, She got really defensive and said I was slut shaming her and acting like a jealous boyfriend, I literally never commented on her dating life, I only talked about feeling unsafe and losing sleep, Now she’s been acting cold and told our mutual friend that I’m trying to police her body and That honestly hurt because that’s not what I was trying to do at all. I just want to feel safe and be able to sleep in my own home. Some people say I should just mind my business. Others say she’s being inconsiderate and using the apartment like a hotel, So now I’m wondering, AITA for telling my roommate she can’t keep bringing random guys into our shared living space late at night?
NAH. I sometimes worry if we over “correct way” things. Feel like this could’ve been an easy “Kayla, I almost called 911. Can you shoot me a text when you have folks coming over?”
Instead, I think your attempts to assure her you weren’t slut shaming really made it seem like you were slut shaming.
Actually, you wanted a very very very basic roommate courtesy. Its not that she can’t have folks over, you just want some warning before it happens.
INFO…Did you discuss situations like this before moving in together?
I don’t think its reasonable to ask her not to bring guys home at night. But I do think its reasonable to expect your roommate to drop you a text when she knows that she’s going to bring someone home, and then you have the opportunity to know that your home isn’t being invaded, lock your door if you feel nervous, etc.
NTA because it’s alright to voice how you feel and why. However there can be consequences to doing so. And her reaction and behavior after is that consequence.
But visitors should be covered by the lease. I’d she’s allowed there’s nothing you can do. If there’s not then you have to engage the landlord. If they aren’t in the lease at all there’s still nothing you can do. You either move out or deal.
NTA. *I*t sounds like you embarrassed her by making a point without actually having to say it… not only about her but the kind of guys she’s bringing around (that never have their own homes apparently).
Just tell it to her straight: *You wouldn’t be cool if I had a boyfriend hanging around here for free and inching around your space every single night. Bringing different people around everyday isn’t a loophole to avoiding that same courtesy.*
NAH; this is just one of those things that happens when you have roommates. You guys need to have a reasonable adult discussion and come to some sort of agreement. She’s allowed to have partners over, you’re allowed to want to sleep.
NTA but all you can ask for is courtesy. The waking you up thing is what I would try to press upon her, because it’s unbelievably rude. It could go like this:
‘Hey Kayla,
Just wanted to quickly say you keep waking me up at night and it’s messing up my routine/physically not good for me. Ofc this is your apartment too! So do what you want! But would you mind trying to be more quiet when it’s late please? Thanks so much for understanding’ which also doesn’t give her the option of a negative response.
Sorry you’re dealing with having strangers in the house. Start playing true crime first date videos really loudly looool
If someone told me they could hear everything id pretty much stop.
Is she aware how loud they are being?
Your title is misleading since you don’t share a room, so that’s an entirely different question than the one you intended to ask.
In general though, I’m leaning towards the judgment of there being NAH. Your’e both adults, you share an apartment, and your roommate presumably pays rent to live there so she’s free to do whatever she wants in that space. Obviously it would not hurt your roommate to give you the courtesy of a heads up before hand, but she certainly doesn’t need permission to bring people over to a space she pays rent for.
But you’re also not an AH for your feelings regarding being woken up and being worried about safety. Honestly, it just seems like living with a roommate is not for you.
I will say though, that the amount of time you spent mentioning the “rotation” of men she brings home and the level of familiarity she has with them in this post, you do sound like you’re judging her. Regardless of if that’s your intention or not, if to her it sounds like you’re trying to police her body and slut shaming her, maybe just consider what it was you were saying and whether or not you can communicate more effectively if you decide to bring it up again.
NAH. I’m 99% on your side, especially if you have to get up early. If so, she needs to make some changes. But really, you’re just not compatible as roommates. Hopefully she’ll come around and be willing to compromise (it is entirely reasonable to want a heads up when someone is coming over!) but mostly I’d start looking for a new place to go when the lease is up.
Make sure you don’t leave your stuff lying around and that your room has a lock on it-
bringing random strangers home has risk to it (not the sex stuff, don’t care about that, just in general, people are not always who you think they are).
NTA.
Asking for a heads up on guests in a shared living space is completely acceptable behavior, and bringing unknown people in without a heads up is rude. You’re sharing a living space. It’s just common courtesy to give each other a heads up on guests.
She’s 100% using the apartment as a hotel. Next time she says something to a mutual acquaintance about you policing her body, be upfront about the fact that it doesn’t matter who she’s sleeping with.
What matters is that you don’t feel safe at the apartment because she keeps bringing random people neither of you actually know, and that you have previously thought the house was being broken into.
If she feels like that’s slut shaming her then she has some personal issues to deal with.
Or she’s trying to manipulate you into dropping the issue.
For the record, I don’t think anything you said was “slut shaming” in any way (assuming you accurately portrayed the conversation).
But you really need to have a conversation concerning guests *before* you start living with someone, to make sure you’re compatible. Overnight guests allowed at all? Guests allowed on weeknights or on weekends only? How often does a particular guest have to stay before they’re a veritable “roommate” requiring extra rent? Etc.
I don’t *blame* you for not wanting strange men at your apartment at all hours, but if there’s nothing in your lease (or “roommate agreement”) that prohibits this, you really can’t start demanding no guests after the fact.
Mild ESH: you for changing the rules midstream (unless she is somehow breaking the “roommate agreement”); her for accusing you of slut-shaming/policing her body.
Asking for consideration in a place you share is not too much to ask. Being startled awake by strange voices when you’re trying to sleep would be disconcerting for anyone.
Does your roommate have a job? When does she sleep? Maybe a dose of her own medicine where you make a lot of disruptive noise might give her the perspective she needs to finally see things from your point-of-view. What she may not realize is that the “slut-shaming” she thinks you’re doing is coming from her own conscience. It was put there by society and possibly her family.
Let her know that your issue isn’t with what she does in the privacy of her own room but that when she is responsible for after-hours noise in the shared space, it interferes with your sleep. Meanwhile, until you can move out, you may need some ear plugs and/or soothing music to mask the late night noisiness she’s bringing into your living quarters. NTA
PS: Who cares what she tells people in your friend group. What they think is of no consequence to you. If they are inclined to side with her, they were already in her camp to begin with. But chances are, they just consider the info your roommate shared to be a piece of mindless gossip that has no bearing on their lives either.
If you are going to continue to live with said roommate maybe get a sound machine. I got one that sounds like a fan. Does not take up much room and has made a 100% difference in my life. I would also lock my door and get some kind of protection. In today’s world she is just asking for trouble for the both of you.