This feels trivial but I need a new way to respond to this.
So I (28f) am staying with my family through the holidays. They live in a different state (11 horus away) & I work remotely so I can work from anywhere and am fortunate to be able to afford to do so. My mom (60f) is so excited I am here and while we have had our ups and downs she is very thoughtful and just enjoying having me around.
She and my dad go out for coffee at their favorite cafe every morning and usually ask if I would like one as well. I have also offered to go pick up coffees as a way of thanking them for often buying me one. Some days I will say no as I do not always want/need caffeine and I have grounds I like making at home too.
Anyway…today she came back from a workout and surprised me with an cold brew as she knows its my usual go to and I accepted and thanked her for the unexpected treat. Side note: I usually drink my coffee black or with barely a shot of milk but she added sugar to it so its much sweeter than I prefer. I don’t mean this to come across as unappreciative but I hadn’t really wanted a coffee today but it was so sweet I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. To be honest it just isn’t the end of the world and I drank about half of it anyway. A couple hours go by and she noticed that I hadn’t finished it. In the past she may have said something like "are you still drinking that?" or something of the like… but instead she was like "ugh can you at least go throw it out… this is why I don’t get you things"
I was really taken back because while I can maybe understand her maybe being disappointed in having spent the money on something that I didn’t fully consume, this isn’t a "habit" of mine. Like I said before I typically get asked before hand and decline.
Idk maybe my feelings were just hurt a little bc the gesture meant alot to me…
AITA for either not drinking it or not saying something when she first gave it to me? While I love her to bits I am worried (based on out past ups & downs) that if I make a bigger deal out of it than what i described above it will turn into or escalate into something unnecessary.
(perhaps just a simple apology ffrom me even tho I might feel it silly would suffice)
thoughts?
NTA – how many times do people who get busy working forget normal drinks as well.
\^ exactly, I feel bad that it hurt her feelings so much that she felt the need to make a passive aggressive comment but it was completely unintentional…I was busy..
NTA. It was very nice of her to get you a surprise, but she didn’t get you a surprise that you actually wanted. My dad used to surprise me by getting me persimmons. I have always hated persimmons. He knew that I hate persimmons. He just wanted to be performative – see I’m a good person, because I brought you a surprise!
I think you need to have a little heart to heart with your mom. What did she mean by “this why I don’t get you things”?
NTA – You didn’t ask for it. She knows you decline if you don’t want one so it was a gamble to surprise you even though it was nice. It also wasn’t your preferred style and you still drank a lot of it to be nice. Definitely NTA.
Info is the issue that you didn’t drink it or that you basically let trash sit there. I’ve you know you were done with it you could have tossed it?
Nta. Maybe it’s time to head back home.
lol literally my first thought but I’m just trying to keep the peace through the holiday 😂
Holidays can be rough!
NTA it was sweet of her to buy you something but if you didn’t ask for it, you shouldn’t be expected to consume it.
NTA.
Is it rude for you to not finish the drink she bought you? I dunno, I guess in a world where any tiny choice or any little “micro-aggression” can be seized on and interpreted as rudeness even if it’s barely anything, I suppose it’s vaguely rude to not finish a food item someone paid for (overpaid for, more likely).
Then again, I think it’s much more rude when people get weirdly vigilant about monitoring & policing women’s food/beverage choices. So it’s rude of her to, unprompted, make your dietary choices a topic of conversation.
Family members like this are impossible sometimes. Nice intentions, but: She got your drink wrong by including sugar. If you said that, she’d have made a thing out of it. To be polite, you sipped the drink and moved on, and she still finds a reason to make a thing out of it.
Like, what were you supposed to do? Sneak off and discreetly dump most of the coffee out to pretend you finished it? Like you’re a 6-year old pretending to have finished all their vegetables?
Yeah my younger brother (18m for context) was like u shoulda just dumped when she wasn’t around. But I find that weird in a way bc again I was working and don’t live in this fear of what she thinks anymore based on bs from the past and just natural growing up
NTA. I have my doubts about mom’s “sweetness”. She’s your mom; surely she has had plenty of opportunity to observe that you like your coffee black. Why would she load it up with sugar? I wouldn’t do that for anyone, let alone my child whom I ought to know. Why didn’t she just bring sugar packets on the side like any thinking person would?
An unwanted gift is not a gift! I think she just wanted to be seen as generous.
Unless you want to cause a major rift, I would just calmly thank her for the coffee but “remind” her for the future that you like it black.
Good luck.
You’re trying hard to figure out what you did that would explain your mother’s response. But it doesn’t sound like her response was rational, so likely nothing you did/didn’t do is going to explain it.
“I don’t mean this to come across as unappreciative but I hadn’t really wanted a coffee today but it was so sweet I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“I am worried (based on out past ups & downs) that if I make a bigger deal out of it than what i described above it will turn into or escalate into something unnecessary.”
It sounds like you know your mother can react overly strongly to things and you’ve learned to walk on eggshells. I think the reason you provided a lot of context for the incident is you’re trying so hard to understand what happened when, again, it wasn’t rational. If you can, try to stop trying to make this make sense. My guess is you’ve been through this before, feeling bad and confused about what you did to upset your mother. This about her, not you.