I’d like to start by saying that my son hasn’t had a tantrum like this in a very long time, this was unprecedented behavior from him. I’m using a throwaway because this is a bit embarassing for me as a father and I haven’t told anyone outside my family.
My son loves history, and recently he had been talking a lot about the Visigoths. My son has been getting into reading history books since last year and so far he has 2, so I thought it would be a good idea to gift him for his 14th birthday a book about a Visigothic king. However, I thought just 1 book probably wasn’t a lot, so I also bought him a book that is about math and in what instances does math control our life and things around it.
At the same time, my son hates math, a lot, and I had been helping him in math since 5th grade (I’m not a math guy or anything but it’s very basic what he’s learning). His hate for math to me just comes from the fact he’s had god awful teachers, I don’t think math itself is the problem. But ultimately that hate for his math teachers unfortunately translated to math itself. The reason I bought him the book was for him to somewhat try to look at math differently, or at least see how math isn’t just the boring stuff they teach you at school.
When his birthday came up and we had to give him his presents. When my tuen came, I first gave him the math book. And he had a huge tantrum. I had not seen this since he was like 10/11. He threw the book away and he said that I knew how much he hated math and I gifted him a math book. I told him to at least give it a try later, and just when I was about to give him the actual book he wanted, he said "fuck you" and began crying. And I found that completely unacceptable. He had rejected my gift and insulted me over it. At that point I got really mad and told him to go to his room and that he was grounded. The rest of the party was pretty silent, since my parents, sister and wife were clearly very shocked at what just took place.
After they left I took away his computer and Nintendo Switch. I did return it to him this monday after a week and things between the two of us are okay again. However, I still haven’t given him his actual birthday present. My wife is insisting I should give it to him, but the truth is I found what he did extremely disrespectful and I really don’t feel like he deserves it for now. At the same time, as his father and adult, I do know he’s 14 and he may regret what he did on his birthday, but I think that was still an extremely childish outburst. I will eventually give it to him, but he has to somewhat prove that he deserves it, otherwise it feels like I’m just enabling this type of behavior.
AITA?
YTA. I CAN’T SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH. YTA
YTA
Waiting for the inevitable post, “why doesn’t my son call me anymore?”
YTA.
14. He’s got hormones all over the place and you have him a book as a gift which basically told him “as your father, I know you suck at math so much, that I’m giving you a math book to show you how stupid you are”
YTA buddy
So you got him a gift you thought he should like, on a subject you know he hates, didn’t explain to him the thought behind it, and are now mad he got upset. YTA.
Why was his *birthday present* the occasion you chose in order to “try and get him to look at math differently”? You intentionally got him something he has a bad, stressful association with and a strong dislike for *for his birthday,* and you’re surprised that a young teenager did not have a calm and level-headed reaction to this?
Yes, YTA. You could’ve chosen *any* other time to try and cajole him into enjoying math, or – novel concept here – you could accept that some people don’t like math, and leave him alone as long as he does as much as he’s required to do to graduate from high school. Like, why do you even need him to like math?
I hated math when I was your son’s age, I’m now 31 and it’s still never been an interest of mine. I had a *wonderful* math teacher in high school, which made me like that specific teacher…not math itself. Some people do not like math, it takes all kinds to populate a world.
Since this is out of character for him, it sounds like you need to have a long conversation with him about how he felt in that moment, how he feels about math, and what insecurities are at play here. Just punishing him for the outburst doesn’t get to the root of why he had the outburst in the first place. It seems like he has a lot of buried emotions on this topic that all came out at once.
YOU YOURSELF said that this is “unprecedented behavior” from him. So why are you assuming he’s just being a bad, disrespectful kid? Why not get to the root of the issue?
YTA.
YTA.
1. For giving him a gift you knew he wouldn’t like.
2. For feeling like he needs to *earn* a gift he’d actually like.
I suspect you are an asshole in other ways, and that contributed to the tantrum. Be prepared for more.
YTA, dude your son is **14**. He’s a kid, if my parent’s got me a book on math, I would be pissed too. To him it seems like you don’t know him or care for him all that much. If you had explained it, sure that would have worked, but TELL HIM. And why give the gifts separately? For my mom, I seperated gifts by wrapping them individually whilst still keeping them part of the same larger packet so if she didn’t like something then she had other things to look for to like. And to punish him on his birthday after he was upset by your gift? Of course he’s going to be upset, you really need to apologise to him because this is just teaching him that being upset is a punishable offence when people treat him in a way that can be percieved as not caring.
YTA — Sorry. You seem out of touch with your son (or any teen for that matter). You gave him a present that YOU needed. That book should have been given at a different time. And sure, he had a tantrum… but to be a teenager and being put on display when opening gifts and being forced to be gracious no matter what the gift is… that is hard. And then to have your father give you a math book when you have a math ‘phobia’ and in front of everyone… and then you went on to punish him further. Dude.. he knows he was out of line already. You are getting into the realm of that kind of punitive punishment is not going to work. Take a class on adolescent behavior and cognition.
YTA, seriously?!?! You thought it would be wise to get him a math book for his birthday when you know his hatred for it. Math is probably already a stressor for him, and you made it worse by making him associate math with his birthday. Geez. Talk to the kid.
YTA. The proper order of the gifts would be the Visigoth one first. To show him you know him, and you love him. The second one you are trying to get him to trust you and your judgement, that the book will change his mindset. By giving him the math one first, the message is more, “I don’t care what you like or who you are. Improve your sorry self!”. Bad. Of course he was upset. You really didn’t think it through, OP. You should apologize for your poor judgement.
YTA. A birthday is not the time (and a party is not the place) to try to make a point or “look at math differently.” It’s his day, and hates the subject. If you wanted him to have the book or work on math, there are 364 other days in the year to do that. He was wrong for the tantrum, but you set him up for it. He has already been punished. Give him his real present.
YTA.
What were you THINKING?
This math book may be a very useful purchase. Who knows, it may indeed be the thing that ends up changing his mind about math.
But even if it is, **it’s not a suitable BIRTHDAY gift. You don’t give a person a book on a subject they hate as a birthday gift.** Not as the first gift they get on that day, not as the last gift they get on that day, not even if it’s one of a hundred gifts.
If you give them such a book at all, you give it to them on some other day, unconnected to their birthday, in the spirit of “I know you’re struggling with this subject, and I’ve found something that just might help”, and not “here’s your birthday gift; accept it graciously”.
*I found what he did extremely disrespectful*
Yes, it was disrespectful. Because you deserved disrespect. You were thoughtless and self-centered.
**If your son gives you a book on YOUR birthday called “How Not To Be An Asshole”, you’ll know why.**
You owe him a massive apology, plus the history book that was his second present.
YTA.
“I don’t think math is the problem”.
That sentence would be more accurate for you if you cut it off at “I don’t think.”
Your son told you he hates math. That’s something you know about him. It doesn’t matter what you think, the kid hates math! And you, his parent who is meant to know him better than anyone, gave him a MATH BOOK for his BIRTHDAY. That’s not a gift! It’s *homework*!
You cannot be this out of touch with your own child. Get a grip, apologise and do better.