I (23F) was invited to my friend’s (23F) wedding about 10 months ago. We’ve been friends for over 10 years so obviously I was excited for her and let her know I’d definitely try to be there! The wedding was in my hometown during my winter break from college so I thought it would work out, so I RSVPd with a yes and said I’d go.
However, recently, I’ve really started to invest in my career (I’m an actress). I’ve been working really hard for the last several months and been in conversations to get in with a big company and really make something out of my career, and I was offered a workshop with casting directors that same weekend as her wedding (her wedding was Friday afternoon).
I decided this was really a make or break moment for my career, so I let my friend know that I wouldn’t be able to make it anymore, and I was so sorry. This was about a week before the wedding. I let her know I’d try to stop by that morning before the ceremony. She seemed fine with it at the time, sad I couldn’t make it but understood, and I thought everything was fine. I stopped by morning of the wedding and greeted her, let her know how happy I was for her. The maid of honor and one of the bridesmen (also close friends of \~10 years) greeted me too, and they asked me what I was missing for. Technically I can’t really talk about specifics of the opportunity, so I let them know I had a business trip/workshop a few cities away and had to miss.
I left that morning, went to the workshop, and it went very well for me! I shot my friend a text the morning after her wedding congratulating her and letting her know how happy I am for her.
Anyways, I thought everything was good, but yesterday her maid of honor reached out to me. She basically said that she was pissed that I missed, the bride was super hurt I wasn’t there, that I should’ve made it, all of that. I felt really bad because I had no idea my absence hurt her so much, I figured everything was okay because it seemed fine before.
I sent her an apology text. I felt really bad because I don’t think I stressed the importance of my workshop that weekend enough, so it probably made it seem like I missed her wedding for nothing. So I texted her and let her know how important it was that I attended, and how I really wanted to try to make both work. She hasn’t replied and now the bridesman and MOH have both unfollowed me on a few platforms.
I feel like under normal circumstances I obviously would’ve been there, but with something as important as a make or break opportunity like this, I just have to take it. I’ve gotten some conflicting opinions though (obviously) so AITA?
A week before the wedding? And you sent an apology text? Grow a spine and pick up the phone. YTA
Of course YTA. Your being the arsehole is pre-determined because you accepted then backed out for a job.
You just think that it was worth it to miss the event – which you already have decided. It was a big role for you, so you prioritized it over your friend’s wedding. And that, to her and me, makes you the problem for your relationship.
YTA.
1. Originally replied yes, flaked for a potential opportunity
2. Backed out very last minute, they already paid for your plate
3. You’re young & don’t necessarily understand the gravity of missing a once in a lifetime event, but the friendship will never be same & don’t be surprised if you’re cut out altogether.
Sorry, but YTA.
Now, was your decision understandable? Yes, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a very hurtful one. You chose a possibly good thing for your career over your friend’s wedding, and while it may indeed prove to be the right decision for your career in the long one, it was a bad one for your friendship. As far as your friend’s once-in-a-lifetime day goes, it literally does not matter how important you feel this workshop was or how important it may end up being for your career. You made it abundantly clear where your priorities are– your priorities do not include her. While, again, a lot of career-driven people would have done the same, it still doesn’t mean you’re not the AH here. This is why a lot of professionally successful people don’t actually have a lot of close friends or family– you made your choice and made it clear, so don’t expect your friend to want to show up for your own important things in the future.
It’s also worth noting that, unless someone dies, is dying, or you wind up sick at the last minute, it’s considered extremely impolite and thoughtless to back out of going to someone’s wedding so close to the actual wedding. Every guest at a wedding costs money for the bride and groom. Venues are also limited in space, and couples typically have to curate their guest lists very carefully. In other words, you RSVP’d “yes,” so your friend had already paid for you to be there. It’s now way too late for her to invite someone else in your place who would have liked to be there and actually shown up for her. Even if you just show up for a little bit (which, sorry, is still in bad taste. It’s a wedding, not a casual birthday party at a bar), you’re still wasting your friend’s time, money, and valuable venue space.
Good luck with your career. If you’re planning to back out of things like this every time you get a career opportunity you feel is special, then maybe you shouldn’t RSVP “yes” to friends’ events at all. Don’t waste their time any further.
This one is hard it’s kinda of YTA or NAH. One week is really not that far out from a wedding to cancel. She paid for your plate already. But if it really was an important thing ok i guess.
What really throws me off is that you actually visited her on her wedding day. If someone cancelled on my wedding and had a reasonable excuse I would get it, but I have to say if you showed up to say hi on the day of I would get upset. Something about that rubs me the wrong way.
YTA. That’s so disrespectful. I bet your 10 year friendship is over now.
Info: how close did you think you were to this friend? You were obviously close enough for her to be very hurt by your absence, but not close enough for you to decide a week before her wedding that you had something better to do. I’m leaning YTA because it was so last minute and you seem to brush off your friend’s hurt.
You bailed on a major life event of a 10 year friendship for an “opportunity”…I hesitate to say you are a full-blown AH but you are definitely naive or self-absorbed to not think that it wouldn’t have an impact on your friendship.
YTA
YTA. A week before is *really* short notice considering your plate was most definitely already paid for and you had already RSVPed. Bowing out of a wedding that late should be for absolute emergencies only because your friend likely still had to pay for your no show. I can understand this was a big opportunity but there is a good chance you ruined some friendships with this and I don’t think anyone in the wedding party is wrong for being hurt, because this does send a pretty clear message to your friend.
YTA you chose an acting class over someone you were friend with for over 10 years and then a week before their wedding didn’t even have the decency to call them!
YTA. You RSVP’d yes to a wedding, then bailed a week before for something that might help your career. That’s not an emergency — that’s a choice. You’re allowed to choose your career, but you don’t get to be shocked that people are hurt by it.
YTA- Did you leave the workshop with a job? No? You blew off your ‘friend’ of 10 years to chase a pipe dream.
YTA – there isn’t a single acting workshop in the world that would ever be a “make or break” moment for your career. They try to make you feel as though that’s true so you will spend time and money on this shit. But hey. Maybe I am wrong – let’s revisit this in 6 months and my bet is that you are in the same boat and you still missed your friend’s wedding.