So years ago my parents got divorced in large part because of my mother having an affair with her current husband Tim. After they divorced I went over 6 years without contacting or communicating with my mother until we reconciled through my sister during the holiday season a little over 3 years ago. Our relationship ended up recovering to the point where my wife and I ended up inviting my mom to our wedding last year. The main issue that has persisted though is my relationship or lack thereof with her new husband Tim.
When my mother and I reconciled, one of the boundaries I gave her was that I wanted nothing to do with that man and would never interact or meet with him. She fought this at first however eventually she agreed to the terms although she has tried to encourage my wife and I to meet him a few times since then.
When talking with my mom the other day she seemed frustrated that my wife and I have not gone up to visit her at her and Tim’s home since we reconciled despite her having gone to visit my wife and I several times at our home (My wife and I live in a different part of the state) . I stated that we would be willing to go visit her so long as Tim was not there when we visited. After hearing that she said it was time for me to accept that Tim is apart of the family now and that accepting him would make everything easier for everyone. I told her that I would not make the trip if Tim was there and would be maintaining the same position I’ve had on Tim. In addition, if she kept trying to push him on me I would cut contact with her again.
So AITA for maintaining the same position and refusing to visit my mother and her new husband?
NTA because she can’t force you to visit her affair boyfriend. You established this boundary a while ago, so she shouldn’t be surprised by your choice to maintain it.
NTA.
You set a boundary and she continues to try and push it.
She’s not in the position to be demanding.
Damn straight.
NTA. It would make it easier on her and Tim, I don’t think you not meeting him will make it easier on you and your wife. Stick to your boundaries unless you change your mind and decide to meet him, but if you do, set boundaries and stick to those too.
If your mom cheated with Tim, my eyes are on both of them, her for cheating and Tim for allowing and accepting that.
I can understand your boundary and the feelings that would lead to creating it. I don’t neccisarily disagree with it either.
However, it is your mother who betrayed your father. She was the one that was dishonest and chose to have an affair. Yet by refusing to acknowledge Tim it is like you are shifting the blame onto him and taking it from her.
I’m not sure what the purpose is of keeping Tim away. Is it that you have shifted the blame onto him, or is it a sort of punishment towards your mother?
NTA you can choose who you want to see, and you made this boundary clear in the past.
His mother’s betrayal was more than Tim’s, but also, she is his mother, so he’s choosing to maintain a limited relationship with her. He has no reason to have any relationship with Tim apart from his mother’s desire, and I don’t blame him for not indulging that wish.
I came here to say something similar. He doesn’t need to form a relationship with someone because his mother thinks he should. It sounds like it is a deal breaker for him. His mom needs to decide if she wants her son in her life on his terms. He said he is willing to go “no contact” again if she keeps insisting. It’s up to her if she wants to be in her son’s life.
NTA because you were deeply affected by your mother’s actions and that is a difficult pill to swallow. It is understandable that you don’t want to see the person you feel is responsible for breaking up your family. Your mom is the one most at fault for that because she took vows and should have separated from your father before moving on. No one really knows everything that goes on in someone’s marriage, even those closest to the situation, but there still is no excuse to cheat. You are entitled to your feelings and your boundaries, and hopefully you can find peace.
That said, life is short and your mom won’t be around forever. As long as you are okay with shutting that door completely and not seeing har again if something happens then keep the hard line. But if there is any chance this would make things even harder, perhaps work on getting past what she did to your dad. I do hope he was able to move on and be happy.
NTA. End of story.
NTA
NTA
NTA.
Tim never gave a rat’s ass about you, probably still doesn’t.
For the duration of the affair, Mom didn’t give a rat’s ass about how it would ultimately affect you.
Mom gets to see you now sometimes, after six years of NC. She takes this as exoneration for how her affair affected you. She has let you know that the exoneration will be complete when you accept Tim as though he became your step-dad through some more blameless path.
You now get to decide if you are ready to complete that exoneration. No matter how you see it, that will be how she takes it. The alternative is to cut her off again.
Ask yourself how being back in touch with her has benefited you and/or your family. Ask yourself what further benefit, if any, there could be by totally exonerating her and welcoming Tim once and for all. You have made your preference known. Unless there’s a benefit to be had, stick to it.
If she puts her foot down and says it’s her way or the highway, the road beckons. It’s not as though she’s shown that family togetherness is at something sacred to her.
Hmm needs more context
Info:
How old are you currently?
How old were you when they divorce ?
How old were you when you found out it was adultery ?
How did you found out about it?
What is your relationship with your father like?
Whats your relationship with your mother like prior to divorce and finding it was adultery?
What was the relationship between your father and mother like?
Has your father moved on too?
Did you father influence your decision to go NC?
Have both parents talk badly about each other to you, or is it one sided?
Im not trying to play devils advocate and adultery is never the answer regardless the scenario.
The only scenario that i could understand why adultery could happen is if your mom is a victim of DV and Tim was her saviour. Anything short of that is hard to vindicate.
Cheaters broke their family apart and is a no brainer why some children would want nothing to do with them, expecially if they married their affair partner.
But if you have more context on Tim that would be a deciding factor.
Is Tim a family friend?
The moms coworker?
Does the family know Tim?
Does Tim have kids of his own?
Has Tim ever try to reach out to you?
Cutting contact sounds easier, but if you care for you mom, then being cordial is just enough. You can still put some boundaries up.
You and Tim dont even have to be besties. Just acknowledge he is now with your mother and thats about it.