Yesterday afternoon I (41F) got home from work after picking up my 6-year-old son from school and started to do some cleaning. I had to get something from under the kitchen sink and I found that everything under there was wet. I figured there must be a leak somewhere but I am not a plumber and have no idea how that stuff works. I ended up just taking everything out from under there and tried to dry/clean everything as best I could.
Then I started getting some laundry together and got my son situated with something to do so I could start dinner. (Yes, before anyone asks, I have ADHD and tend to start multiple things at once. It’s something I’m working on.) My husband got home while I was cooking and as soon as he walked into the kitchen I told him I need him to look at the sink because there’s a leak somewhere.
He kind of sighed/groaned, which he knows is a big trigger for me because it makes me feel like I’m nagging him. I kind of snapped at him that I have already been dealing with a bunch of stuff since getting home and I just need his help with this one thing.
He got under the sink and was tinkering with stuff and I was explaining to him how I found the leak and he interrupted me. He said "I just got home, immediately got told to fix something, and now I’m on my hands and knees under the sink, how about we start this over. Hi honey, love you. How was your day? That’s nice, I had a really hard day today. Is it ok if we all relax together tonight? Maybe watch a movie or play a game?"
I told him that I am already flustered by trying to get things done and ready for dinner and he told me to maybe focus on one thing instead of trying to do everything at once. He also said that it would be nice if I could at least act like I’m glad he’s home and I’m happy to see him instead of immediately telling him to get under the sink and fix it.
I tried to say something else, but he interrupted me again and said "Ok, got it fixed." Then he got up and started walking away. I tried to say something again and he interrupted me AGAIN and said "Can I at least go say hello to our son before you start badgering me about something else?" He ended up talking and playing with our son until dinner was ready.
After dinner I told him how unsupported I felt the entire time I was just asking for his help. He tried turning it around on me by saying that I didn’t even acknowledge his presence before "demanding" that he immediately fix the sink. I told him that it only ended up taking him a few minutes and he said that’s not the point.
He told me that when I try to do too many things at once I get flustered and stressed and then take it out on him. He said it makes him feel like I don’t actually care about his feelings, his day, or him in general. He said I make it a point to tell him how I need him to be aware of my needs and feelings but I don’t do the same for him.
“He told me that when I try to do too many things at once I get flustered and stressed and then take it out on him”
I mean….is he wrong? It sounds like that’s exactly what is happening, although you might not even realize it. I too need a moment to decompress from work before jumping into tasks. If my husband immediately hits me with a task the moment I walk in the door it feels like I’m being urgently rushed which makes attending to the task more difficult and stressful. I totally understand where you are coming from, but I would have to say YTA. Your husband did a good job of expressing his feelings, so you might want to try being open to them. Good luck, OP.
Agreed, gentle YTA OP. I also have ADHD and I know the head space you were in EXACTLY. But I do think your husband is right that he needed to be seen as a person, and not just an item to help you in the moment.
My question would be to you OP, in the moment, if you’re husband had said “hey wife, I need a sec before jumping into anything. Can we both take a breath because it seems like you’ve had a hectic day and could use some breathing?” Would that have been helpful for you in the moment or would that be the worst thing in the world?
OP, did the laundry have to be started right then? Doing a quick triage might a way to lessen your mental load when these things happen in the future. What needs to be done immediately? What can be postponed?
Things are going to crop up all the time, particularly with kids involved. Very gently, YTA, but you can fix this in the future.
YTA. your husband has a valid point and instead of listening to him you kept defending yourself. all he wanted was a greeting instead of getting ordered to do something the moment he walked in. that’s not asking for much you should have apologized and moved on. you say you feel unsupported but even though he was disappointed he still got right to fixing the sink. your not only an asshole but you’re completely over reacting.
YTA-he isn’t wrong. A simple “hey babe (or whatever pet name you use) happy your home. Would you mind taking a look at the sink” isn’t hard.
And then you snapped because he made a groaning sound. That is a bit much. It could have nothing to do with you nagging and him just being sad that he immediately has to jump to repairs.
He is trying to tell you how he feels, that can be hard for some people, you should try to listen.
YTA – I don’t care how many things I have going on or how stressed I am, I’m not going to impose that on the people around me. It’s not a big ask to just say hello and have a moment to reconnect at the end of the day before moving into repairs and to-do lists. I’m guessing this isn’t the only time this has happened.
YTA, it wasn’t a fire/blood emergency and could have waited until you’d said hi.
YTA.
You have displayed how you do not handle your emotional load, and expect others to manage it for you. That’s exhausting, and not on them to help you manage.
Your husband indicated to you that he was good with “just starting over” and gave both of you the opportunity to re-engage the convo by saying how was your day, love you. An opportunity that you disregarded.
You told your husband how “unsupported you felt the entire time”. After working all day, he entered the home, and was on his knees jumping to correct something which was an immediate need of yours.
Your last sentence. Your husband effectively communicated his feelings, and how your actions have made him feel. It’s on you to own that. Then speak about how that can be corrected.
YTA. He can’t even “kind of” sigh without you snapping on him?
You are expressing this as your partner wants your 1st move to be greetings and rainbows, but really maybe he just doesn’t want to be snapped out for kind of a normal human reaction.
YTA. Sorry but you were rude. I get you had stuff going on but that’s life. Millions of people do what you do everyday and still manage to say hello to their spouse when they walk in the door.
First, I do this too. And when I do, I am an asshole.
A big thing our marriage had to overcome was the pissing contest of “whose day was worse?” And who deserves to be in a worse mood. You listed everything *you* did and were doing, but he is a human, with things to do too.
You could have called him or texted so he knew what he was coming home to. You could have apologized when he said “this isn’t a great way to come home” basically.
As a working mom who also does to much, and gets flustered and takes it out on other people, I’ve really tried to slow down, manage my emotions and take notice of those around me. When you feel like youre drowning with work and being a mom and the house and kid and pets and being a wife, it’s hard. Ask for help, not angry in the moment, but calmly. Make a plan for you to put in effort, but for your husband and son to also.
Soft YTA, but I get it
YTA
I know people here will downvote this because of all the things you list that you were doing, and they’ll slide right by all the parts that make you look bad.
1: He isn’t allowed to sigh, because that bothers you. You snapped at him for this.
2: He tells you that all he wanted was a hello, how was your day? You kept the focus on yourself by mentioning everything you were doing instead of acknowledging that you messed up. You could have resolved this right then with a simple. Oops, sorry, I was doing too many things. How was your day? When you get a chance I think there is a leak under the sink, would you look at it please?
3: He tells you that you’re making him feel like you don’t care that he’s home, you’re not happy to see him. You only saw your plumber.
How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If you came home and the moment you were in the door he demanded something from you? Would you feel like you were a valued partner? Or a servant?
ADHD or any other neurodivergence does not give anyone the right to take frustration out on the people around you.
Him sighing/groaning triggers you and makes you feel like you’re nagging? Does it trigger you because there’s a big grain of truth to that?
A greeting when coming through the door before being told to do something is not asking that much.
YTA and you owe him an apology.
And she got mad at him for speaking up that he wanted a hello first- mad enough to post on here. Poor dude.