For context, my grandmother is 91 and my uncle (her younger brother) is 85.
In 2022 my grandparents decided to move to an assisted living, the most expensive one in their county in Florida. Fast forward to 2024, the facility severely neglected my grandfather leading to 18 months of him going to the hospital, rehab and ultimately hospice before he died in Dec 2025. No one from the facility wished condolences. This facility used to be the gold standard of care but over these last 3 years they’ve changed a lot including removing the CEO.
With Grandpa’s passing it significantly impacted the monthly income for grandma and with me having negative feelings about the facility I wanted to move her somewhere closer to me. So I toured facilities, my father who is estranged from his parents did too upon my request and we picked one, I narrowed it down to 2 he was the tie breaker. I notified my uncle who responded, "Wow that’s a shocker. Why wouldn’t you discuss this with me before you made the decision. What’s happening with all the stuff in the apt? What’s happening with her aides? I am a little upset that you made the decision without talking to me first." He’s been on a month long cruise so this communication happened via email.
Mind you he knew I wanted to move her and he was actively sending me emails of facilities contacting him for placement. And because space is limited you have to act fast so I did. It was not an easy decision to make for me but I am power of attorney and my grandparents trusted me to make these decisions.
AITA for not including him in this decision?
Update: I forgot to mention Grandma has dementia and could not make this decision on her own. Because of her dementia she has to go into memory care rather than assisted living.
Nta. You do what you have to in order to take care of your grandmother.
NTA you have power of attorney and as you say your grandparents gave you this trust. Your uncle is away so there’s nothing he could have done. Your uncle could have left your Fanny waiting and missed a good place. You don’t need to explain to him but it’s nice you let him know.
NTA You acted in the best interest of your grandmother and also included your great uncle as you could.
NTA but I don’t see shere you could be an ass. You could legally do it, you kept him in the loop as much as you could, you acted in your granma best interest, if he wanted to be more included he should have let you know it, you didn’t move in the shadow and he’s 85 yo, what does it concern to him what will happen with your granm’s forniture, he wants to help move them?
You did good to her and that’s the bottom line, he should be thankfull.
I’m just guessing but I think he wants some of her stuff from the apartment and he’s upset that it’s a memory care unit but with her dementia she’s not eligible for assisted living anymore.
NTA because it seems like you did include him in the decisions
Historically yes. This go around was time sensitive to secure a new place and he’s away on a cruise. Also in my gut I had a feeling he would talk me out of it or talk me into something that she didn’t need, so I manned up and did the research and tours solo to make my own educated decision.
NTA sounds like you are POA and they are more concerned about money. Went through it myself and got nothing but shit. You did the right thing.
I would never think to get approval from my grandmother’s siblings about something like this. That’s weird. Her descendants get the final say. And you did keep him in the loop. Maybe he is just shook from the changes happening to his sister and he wants to have some semblance of control. But NTA.
“I included you in the process as much as was practical, but a decision had to be made quickly when a spot opened up, and you were not available. If it was important to you to be present for this, you had the option to choose it over your vacation. I don’t begrudge you your choice, but you need to acknowledge the reality that it was your decision to remove yourself.” NTA.
Yes – it’s always the ones who do nothing that have an opinion and love to play “armchair quarterback”. You did the right thing. Involving more people delays things and you needed to get her the care she needs. NTA
NTA move her now. That’s your responsibility as her POA. Stop by as often as possible it does make a difference. Even if for a few minutes. Random times and days. It’s better that she’s closer to you so it’s easier for you to make decisions.
NTA.
You’re doing the best by your grandmother and in this situation, she is the only one that matters. You have POA so you’re not doing this off the top of your head. You have put more than a passing thought into this.
Move your grandmother.
Based on the information where you say your father is estranged from his parents – I mean why does he even have a vote?? You need to respect that he’s estranged from them and crack on with what you have been given the power to do. Treat the move as a done deal and tell the family when it is done, and that would include telling your uncle or anyone else in the family. If your grandmother has more belongings than the new place can take, put it into storage and whatever the fees are for the storage, take it out of her estate when she passes (if you can do that). Otherwise, bring them to a location that all family has access to and tell them anything left at the end of the day will be brought to a recycling facility/goodwill.
Once again, NTA but trust your instincts here.
NTA – I have a similar experience in my own family about a gold standard assisted living place neglecting a relative. And I also have experience with quality care… you can’t sit around and wait until someone is back from a cruise before making group decisions. You have to POA so it was your choice.
If your uncle feels that strongly about it, he can tour facilities and come up with some alternatives when he comes home. But you had to get her out before her care killed her. Especially with dementia. A good memory care facility can have waitlists years long. Most people end up bouncing around subpar facilities while waiting for a spot and family members end up spending more time as care givers than loving visitors.
You did good.
PA: sorry for your loss