I (45M) went to a Thanksgiving gathering with my wife Alice (42F) and my daughter Kay (14F). Most of my family was there but the relevant people are:
-my cousin by marriage Danny (43M)
-my nephew Michael (25M)
-Michael’s boyfriend Jake (27?M)
I was in the kitchen setting up my casserole when my daughter came in and started whispering "Danny’s getting kind of weird and I think it’s making Jake mad."
So I went to the foyer to see what was going on and Danny was in there with Jake and Michael and was becoming increasingly homophobic. Nothing violent, just loudly sharing opinions nobody asked for. Jake seemed to be getting really heated and kept escalating, so I took Danny outside and asked him to leave. He put up a fight but I was firm and wouldn’t let him back in the house.
Where I might be the asshole is that it wasn’t my party. My aunt Viv asked where he was later and I told her what had happened. She got mad at me and told me I ruined Thanksgiving and that I, my wife, my daughter, Jake, and Michael needed to go and we would all be invited back next year "once we learned to behave."
We all decided to go to some chinese place and had a lovely time. But since then I’ve had texts from family members saying what Danny had done was "not that bad" and I "had no authority to kick him out."
TLDR I kicked out a family member who was being homophobic from a party I wasn’t hosting. AITA?
NTA. You didn’t need to be the host to do the right thing. Letting homophobic remarks continue unchecked would have been worse. You acted morally.
NTA
Good for you.
Viv and those people who said what homophobic Danny was doing “wasn’t that bad” can do without you and your family and Michael and Jake for the rest of time.
Sounds like You, your wife, your daughter, Micheal, and Jake have a new Thanksgiving tradition- Chinese food and no bigots!
NTA. People like Danny need to be called out every single time on their ignorant and hateful BS. Good for you!
You may not have technically had the authority, but you were the only one that has the balls to stand up and do what was right. NTA
NTA. Okay, it wasn’t your party, but you and your daughter stood up for a family member who was being harassed. Given the ensuing response, you all dodged abullet by leaving that function. It was only going to get worse if you stayed since no one else seemed fussed enough to shut that nonsense down. Next year, I’d have nephew and BF over for the day and binge watch holiday movies.
I’m going with NTA.
It was somewhat assholeish to evict a guest from a party you’re not hosting, but it was *justified* assholery, and on AITA, justified assholery = NTA.
Was Aunt Viv the host?
Not that it makes a difference to my judgment, but it would make a difference to what the best course of action would have been. There were better ways of handling this situation, which would have made it hard for anyone to call you an asshole (with the possible exception of bigots and their enablers).
You had no authority to kick him out… that’s correct, but you and every other person in the place had an ethical responsibility, a duty of care, to Jake and Michael.
Whoever the host is/was deserves a good verbal thrashing for not minding their guests’ behaviour.
NTA, mostly, and enjoy the break from this toxicity.
NTA, and in the future I’d make holiday plans that didn’t include Danny or Aunt Viv.