When people heard about the proposal everything was good, everyone was happy. Congratulations rolled in. Everything was looking great. That was eighteen months ago. Planning the wedding has mostly been okay, stressful but nothing we can’t handle.
When it came to invites the topic of my (call her L) fiance’s dad came up. L’s dad wasn’t in the picture when she was growing up. When he was (very early on) apparently he was pretty awful to L and her mom. It’s one of those family secrets that everyone knows but doesn’t talk about.
I’m 35 she’s 32, she hasn’t seen him since she turned 18.
So the question was, does he get invited? L didn’t have much to say. Her mom on the other hand said we should. A couple of cousins that were helping with everything were split. I didn’t feel like I had a say really, I don’t know the guy. I’d never met him so why did I care if he came? It was up to L.
After a month she still couldn’t choose. She was understandably torn. I made a decision. We had enough other stuff to sort that one person shouldn’t be taking up all this energy. I said no. I didn’t need his blessing to propose, we didn’t need his attendance at the wedding. L agreed.
Somehow my attitude got back to him. Great. I start getting calls, texts, facebook messages. Turns out there’s a lot of people in the family that think he’s a good guy and deserves to be there. Apparently I’m in the minority, most of the extended family hold him good regard and I’m the bad guy for not letting him be at his girl’s wedding.
I stuck to my guns. Saying that if he wanted an invite he could’ve been a part of her life at any point in the last 14 years but he wasn’t so he didn’t get an invite.
Am I the asshole? Should I let him come? Am I, like some people have told me, keeping them from reconnecting?
It’s your wedding, not a reunion for someone who ghosted your partner for 14 years. Letting him crash now doesn’t fix the past and will probably just make things awkward.
NTA.
The fact that L hesitated that long, and agreed with the “no” without complaint, very strongly suggests that she wanted to say no, but didn’t have the fortitude to say so herself.
Personally, I feel like it would be stronger coming from her, but if she’s happy with the decision, that’s a “whatever” kind of distinction.
I agree with the sentiment that the time for L’a dad to be a stand up guy was a couple decades ago, and frankly, abusers don’t get to go to family events in my opinion anyway.
Congrats on the upcoming/new wedding!
Her hesitation spoke volumes, and abusers don’t earn invitations by being charming to extended family who weren’t there.
NTA. In the words of Elle Woods – “Why now? Why this sperm?”
NTA – You’re not marrying him, you’re marrying his daughter. As for the extended family, it’s not their wedding, nor is it their father. If he wants to be invited, he should reach out to his daughter and have a conversation about it.
NTA
A wedding is not a place to reconnect with your daughter. But your wife to be needs to step up and own the decision and show you two are a united front and you didn’t make this decision against her wishes.
NTA. He missed his chance when he stepped away from her life. He can miss the wedding as well.
NTA. Your fiancée made a choice by not making a choice.
Nta. He had years to be a part of her life. He doesn’t get a pity invite just because he donated his dna 32yrs ago.
Personally I would get a clear yes or no from L. It is ultimately her decision, not yours. That she made the decision doesn’t need to be shared. If she was worried about flack from her family I would take the heat as they’re already blaming you.
NTA
He’s had a lifetime of chances to be a good dad, and he chose not to every single day.
It sounds like your fiance wanted to say no but felt bad.
I would just say that only people who we are close to us get an invitation. Someone who has shown no movement towards a relationship is not welcome.
NTA. If he wants to “reconnect” with his daughter, he’ll just have to pick another occasion – after the wedding. He had 14 years to reconnect with her, so he can wait a bit longer.
NTA
A wedding is not the place to reconnect (if that’s what he’s trying to do.)
> Turns out there’s a lot of people in the family that think he’s a good guy and deserves to be there.
That’s nice…it’s none of their business however.