I’ll start with this, I love my Dad, always have, always will.
When I was around 10 my father remarried a woman (Jen). She was 45 and he was 50 when they married.
Jen has always had issues since I’ve known her. Very controlling and verbally abusive to myself, my father, and my siblings. Over the years I’ve watched time and time again, my Dad being a massive pushover/punching bag.
Jen is an alcoholic. She drinks everyday and would pass out on the living room floor in the middle of the night quite regularly. There were nights I couldn’t sleep because she’d be sobbing till 4AM 15ft outside my bedroom door.
There was a few instances in which a drunk Jen was "weird" with me as a child. Such as coming in my room in the middle of the night, being VERY touchy, asking to do a "wrap-around", walking around me in her underwear, casually bringing up vaginas as a topic more than once and much much more. I’ve never wanted to talk about it with my Dad, but I suspected he was aware of it.
Fast forward to a year ago (I’d been living on my own for years and was estranged from my family). I visited them, upon their request, hoping to see a change after all the time that had passed.
Jen was still drinking everyday and wouldn’t giving me the look. She ended up walking up to me and basically asked if I wanted to make out (I refused). Jen then started to cry, therefore I felt forced to comfort her. To do this, I tried to give her a side-hug which she managed to somehow transform into a 1min full body embrace.
My Dad was sitting 10ft away during all this and didn’t say shit. At that point I knew my Dad was aware and he couldn’t deny it. So I took him to lunch and finally talked honestly about.
His opinion was essentially "I know my wife has issues, but I love you". I responded with "Ok, but don’t understand why I have to put up with it" to which he just sighed and suggested we meet every other week at a restaurant to visit.
That’s not the relationship I want with my Dad. I’d like to be a part of my family, but that’s simply not possible with Jen doing what Jen does. I told my father that until Jen AND himself both work on these things, I cannot and will not be around.
I then forgave my father but expressed how disappointed I was in him (not just as a father, but as a man).
Since then he sends me Bible verses and a "love you hope you are doing good" text every couple of weeks.
NTA, Jen’s a creep and your father’s a weenie that enables her. You have to decide if you want to stay in contact or cut them loose for your own mental health.
Haven’t spoken to either of them for around a year. I am concerned for my Dad, but he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.
NTA
This is no better than a mother allowing her new husband to sexually harass her daughter. Your father is spineless, weak and doesn’t deserve a relationship with you, quite honestly. You’re nothing like him. Stay strong, keep those boundaries.
Thank you.
What about my sisters (Jen’s daughters)? I was raised with them and do care for them.
I’ve always made it a point to never tell them. Should I?
She was probably doing weird stuff to them too, wasn’t she?
If they have any boyfriends, chances are they’ll be prime target for her behaviour just like you were.
NTA. You seem to be handling it quite well actually.
>Since then he sends me Bible verses
On top of all the other stuff, your dad is a hypocrite.
He leads marriage counseling groups at his church, and I’m not even joking
That tracks.
Also, NTA. Jennifer is Super Creepy and should probably be in rehab. 😬
NTA. You set boundaries around some seriously messed up behavior, and your dad choosing his wife over protecting you doesn’t make you the bad guy. Disappointed is fair. he failed to parent when it counted. Your feelings are valid.
Appreciate the advice. My dad has actually openly admitted to failing me as a father. That was definitely a gut punch hearing it out loud…
NTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
NTA of course. You shouldn’t have to deal with this, and on top of that, you never should have as a child. Your Dad is also enabling someone killing herself with alcohol. That’s not good for her or your Dad or anyone in his or her life. As someone struggling a bit with alcohol (no where near where Jen is) I’ve learned a lot about how alcohol has been really screwing up my life, even if I don’t get drunk or act inappropriately ever. It’s still a HUGE deal, and is putting my life on hold. I am planning a full on detox, with doctor assistance, this Tuesday, and I’m so excited. I’ve learned how drinking even not enough to get drunk or act inappropriately is making my mood and health horrible, and I’ll never be healthy or me until I’m sober. It’s so much bigger than people realize. I am so excited for the detox, and so embarrassed that my habit got to be so much that life is harder when I’m not drinking at all. Even though I never get drunk or embarrass myself, that isn’t the point. Alcohol use on a habitual basis… it is not good.
Her situation is so much worse, clearly. She is getting so drunk she is acting inappropriately, and alienating everyone in her life. Why is your Dad enabling her? It’s so cruel to her and everyone in both of their lives. If I were you, I would point that out. She is throwing her life and relationships away, and by just ignoring it and supporting her, he is helping it happen. I’m not making excuses for Jen, just pointing out he is helping NO ONE… except maybe himself if he thinks she wouldn’t stay with him if she didn’t have this severe issue which WILL one day kill her. No question.
If she was addicted to heroin and a shell of a person, passing out everywhere, and barely able to function, would he continue to buy her heroin and give her a place to stay and excuse it? Why is he doing so because it’s alcohol?
It might be time to confront him with that.
If he is so afraid of being alone, that he wants to let the woman he “loves” kill herself, destroy her life, waste it, and alienate all the people in his life, there is something very, very wrong. And you are right to not want to be in his life while he has this devastating issue. It’s not his fault Jen is killing herself and doing these horrible things, but there is something very wrong that he is enabling it.