Hey everyone,
my mother(60) just called me crying and calling me an inconsiderate a-hole for not inviting her to have lunch with me.
I (18M) just finished writing an exam when she texted me asking if I wanted to have lunch at her house. I told her that I wanted some time alone to decompress, and that we could have lunch this coming weekend.
I currently live on the same property (different building) as my g-ma, and when I got home she said she was ordering food and asked if I wanted any. I told her I would, but that I wanted some time to myself to relax after my exam. She understood and ordered the food. My mother forgot her keys at my house, so my Dad is driving down after work to pick them up for her. Unknown to me, my g-ma invited my dad to eat with her, to which my dad accepted.
I guess my dad let my mom know that he is eating dinner with me, my g-ma (his mother), and me (I never told him I plan on eating either them, because I don’t). Now she just called, pretty much having a mental breakdown.
She just recently retired, and me and my sister have both moved out of the house. I understand she is going through a transitional stage in her life, but so am I, and I cannot deal with this situation while I am trying to study and pass exams.
How do I respond to her, and am I in the wrong?
Grey rock your mom. She is being unreasonable. You are not supposed to be your mother’s friend or emotional support animal. Continue setting small boundaries now and look up how to grey rock. Sounds like your mom has some emotional issues that she’s trying to take out on you. I’m sorry this is happening to you at your age.
Late Menopause? sounds like something I would have done in the middle of it.
That’s what I took “transitional stage” to mean.
You tell your dad to deal with this, because you cannot?
NTA. Your GMa invited him over, not you. Reiterate to her that and that you wouldn’t be hanging out with everyone anyway because you needed to rest. Her empty nest syndrome isn’t your problem tbh. Let her know you aren’t snubbing her and this was GMa’s invite NOT yours. If she still has an issue you can yellow or grey rock her until exams are over. She needs to get out and do her own thing, which I understand is hard, but that’s not your responsibility it’s hers.
Good luck on the exams OP. You’ve got this, you’re gonna get through this, and you are gonna be so relieved and proud of yourself when it’s over. Don’t let family drama distract you (easier said than done).
Again, NTA, mom needs to chill and maybe get some counselling or a group hobby.
Thank you, i really appreciate it. Someone else also mentioned “grey rock”, it might be my only choice. She has been through a lot in life, but has refused therapy or help navigating her struggles. While I feel bad and try to support her, It doesn’t feel fair that I have to deal with this shit now when I need the support. I think I am going to sleep on it and take some time to process (and study my ass off lol)
Even if you had planned to eat with your dad and grandma, there is a difference between eating with someone at your home, and travelling somewhere else to eat with someone. I understand your grandma is in a different building, but you would have the opportunity to eat, then get your decompression time. If you’d gone to your mother’s, you would have been expected to spend at least a couple of hours there. Probably more, considering how needy and clingy your mum seems to be.
NTA. It’s not your job to emotionally regulate your mother. She is a grown ass adult. If a calm and logical explanation isn’t accepted, it is perhaps time to create some healthy distance from her.
I am going to school in the same city she lives in, but i am 50 km away from her. I specifically moved further away to give her space, but it isnt really working.
As a warning, if you do not shut this type of behaviour down now, she’ll be screaming at your bride on your wedding day for ‘stealing you from her’.
Your NTA and you don’t need to give her any response. I would suggest that next time you don’t try to explain yourself, just tell her that your not interested in having this conversation and put the phone down.
She’s crying at you because you had lunch at the house you live in, after an exam. You don’t need this stress during your exams. Make sure she knows that you will not tolerate irrational emotionally manipulative behaviour. It’s not your responsibility to entertain her nor stop her being bored. I suggest you don’t contact her until she apologises and if she contacts you, ask her if she’s ready to apologise for stressing you out on an exam day.
Your mother’s a grown woman and while she has the right to ask you to lunch she doesn’t have a right to throw a damn temper tantrum when you don’t want to. Your father coming over your grandmother’s has nothing to do with it. Your mother is way out of line and sounds relatively abusive.
Its funny, because she has claimed I am “verbally abusive” to her when I call her out on this behaviour. For the past couple months I haven’t really been holding back my tongue. Probably not the best way to respond, but I really don’t have the time or patience to deal with her. Its part of the reason I didnt go to lunch with her in the first place!!!
You’re NTA, and she’s seriously over-reacting. She shouldn’t make that your problem.
Message her back and tell her you’re not having dinner with your dad because you’re taking some time off for yourself.
She’s going to need to deal with her own feelings. You can be kind to her yet this is her life to fill.