I 23 f moved in with my fiancé (25m) and his family after moving across the US to be with him during his internship at a hotel a couple hours from them, 10 hours from where I moved.
After this, I was invited to live with them after the internship. They did not discuss rent and I offered to sleep on the couch of their house since they didn’t have enough bedrooms for each person. They gave my fiance and I the master bedroom for the most part except four of us share a closet and they have a huge dresser in there. I figure I don’t pay rent so why do I care.
His mother (53f) randomly complains about her sleeping situation and says we should be paying the majority of the rent for having the master bedroom. I have no problem paying rent but the majority for a master bathroom, dresser and closet we have to share?
Anyways I tell her constantly I have no problem paying rent but she never comes up with numbers or furthers the conversation except to complain.
She is a SAHM and I work full time at a grocery store, I clean the house every morning before I leave excluding vacuuming because everyone is sleeping by the time I go. I scoop cat litter and buy pet flea medicine and cat food/treats.
She claims we don’t buy groceries or laundry soap either but whenever she asks for groceries I bring them home not to mention I make and pay for everything my fiance eat for the most part so I’m not sure why she’s saying that? I buy her stuff when she asks I buy our stuff and she uses our stuff too. I don’t complain because I don’t pay rent.
Anyways I want to move closer to my family 10 hours away with my fiance and I mentioned that to her and that’s when she started ranting about all of this. She was like well there’s cheaper places to live a couple hours away, or if we paid rent we could get a bigger place etc.
I’d rather pay rent to my mom because I’d have my own space (room and bathroom), it would be cheaper and we would inherit the house when she passes, but even if that’s a long ways away and I change my mind houses are dirt cheap in the south.
TLDR: AITA for not paying rent even though numbers have never been discussed, I clean and buy my own products (food and bath), pay for pet food and flea prevention, when I don’t have any privacy or a room to myself even?
Edit: thank you everyone for your opinions. To clear some things up I have tried to have a conversation about rent. I don’t know how much they pay they never give me a direct answer when asked because it has been discussed or attempted anyways.
I moved from the south up north to be here with them so obviously prices are very different. I have tslked about taking the smaller bedroom and again nothing has come of it. I figure living with my mom it would be cheaper rent wise if I was to pay rent here if I ever got a straight answer for how much they pay and expect, so I could have a savings for my own home like stated in my post.
If I moved back with my mom I wouldn’t be mooching as I feel I am not doing here. But also she would give me a direct answer for rent and would be communicating with what she expects from us better. I don’t contribute towards rent but I do buy groceries for my fiance and I (And others when asked to), I buy flea medicine for 3 cats and 1 dog (I have one cat), I buy their food and take care of their litter and needs, I clean the house daily as well. I buy bath products that everyone else uses as well
My fiance talked to her and she said she felt bad because of what she said to me, but she felt like I was unhappy living here and it’s why I’m moving. I tried to find a house and stuff bigger than our apartment and mentioned paying rent because I did want to live here but it’s constantly shot down, so I’ve given up living with her. It seems like she just wants to stay here and complain.
ESH – all this should have been discussed before/when you moved in.
As it stands at the moment, she doesn’t sound the best to live with, but you’re in her house, so….
I understand what you’re saying about cleaning, etc, but again, it’s her house, and I would consider what you’re doing as the polite thing to do anyway.
Either move out asap or sit her down for a sensible conversation.
I plan on moving out asap. I’ve tried to have a conversation with her and she just likes to complain about the situation it seems. It’s happened multiple times getting no where.
How can you pay rent when an amount for rent has never even been set? Your basically became a roommate without working out in advance who does what, who pays for what, and what the rent (if any) would be. Trying to negotiate this arrangement once you are in the thick of it is merely a recipe for constant conflict. So in a way you brought this mess on yourself. Your mother in law would rather complain about the situation than attempt to resolve it. ESH.
ESH Just move out and in with your mom then.
Or, God forbid, get a place of your own.
Where is the fiancé in all of this and his opinion? If I had to guess based on this, they want you both closer but the current arrangement is wearing thin and guilt has set in for feeling a certain way and they don’t know how to deal with it. Offer up the bigger bedroom back to them and switch the arrangements and don’t take no for an answer. She is probably feeling like a guest in her own home.
ESH. This should have been sorted before you even moved. Why would you move 10 hours away without understanding your obligations in your new home? You acknowledge you would pay rent to your mother if you lived there, why are you not paying rent to live with your fiancé’s family? Yes it does not sound ideal but then don’t pay top market price. Why isn’t your fiancé dealing with his parents directly or why don’t you ask directly how much rent is expected? Saying you will pay but then dropping it until next time isn’t working. Maybe accept that her complaining is the rent you are paying top market price live there.
ESH
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have your “own” privacy or room. You share a room with your partner and you two have the only room. They aren’t sleeping in that room so yeah you should pay more. This absolutely should have been discussed but you are acting like they are impeding on you when space wise, it’s probably better to have the dresser out of the way. Your fiancé also sucks bc they probably discussed payment with him and he just didn’t tell you. Give her rent- pay half since it’s you and him (he should give you some of the money too).
If you want privacy, you and your fiancé are grown adults who ought to get your own living quarters. YTA for living off of your parents, but expecting to have the privileges of living autonomously.
ESH. A cramped space still has expenses – rent/mortgage, utilities. Your fiancé should have cleared things with his passive aggressive mother about what you are expected to pay. How much is he contributing to the household?
It might make the most sense to go back home. I hope your mom is a better communicator.
ESH. Why weren’t the financial details worked out before you moved in? Yes, you do need a pay some sort of rent. You are one of the tenants in the home. And if you don’t want to pay rent, no one is forcing you to stay there.
Ultimately, you and your fiancé should move out into your own place.
What does your fiancé think about all of this? Was he living 10 hours away from his family as well before he moved for the internship, or had this been a long distance relationship? Either way, you two need to get on the same page. How does he feel about the idea of living with your mother?
Y’all need to get your own place. No more living with parents. If youre old enough to live with a boyfriend you need to move out. You are imposing. You have overstayed your welcome. And you should not be planning to mooch off your mom after this, that would be continuing to be a burden. YTA. At any point you could have decided what an amount to contribute and done so. Its clear you were happy to keep mooching and not participate in helping decide what a fair rent would be.
YTA. You and your fiance are adults. You don’t get to live free off one of your mommies. You seem full of excuses for why you don’t pay rent – but you also made it pretty clear you don’t think you should have to. That’s not very mature. Perhaps you would be better off living on your own.
ESH….
Your future MIL sucks for being passive-aggressive and refusing to discuss actual numbers despite your offers to pay rent. You and your fiance suck for living rent-free as working adults in the master bedroom without proactively offering a specific amount from the start ,,,,, cleaning and buying some groceries doesn’t replace actual rent. Moving to your mom’s place sounds like the right call for everyone involved.