Large friend group, all in early 30s. 2 friends in group getting married. 3 other friends (planners) organize Bachelor’s party. Groom only needs to pick itinerary and guest list, while planners handle all logistics like venue reservation, party bus, invitations, etc.
Event page made \~3 months ahead, invites sent out with RSVP deadlines. Multiple itinerary updates and RSVP reminders are sent out as weeks go by. Deadline passes, reservations are made based on 10+ headcount. At first I hesitated to accept b/c it was scheduled same day as my partner’s bday. After some encouraging from both my partner and the groom (we’re all friends; wholesome stuff), I rsvp’d a little past the deadline and planners accomodated no issue. At this point, nothing was said about costs but I assumed $150-$175/person. **Night before bach party,** I hear from another attendee it actually will be higher than what I expected; this is the first time I’m hearing anything about it. I immediately message one of the planners I’m closest with (10+ yrs friendship), we’ll call him Sam, to confirm the costs. Sam gives me an estimate of $200-$300. I tell him I can’t afford that and it would’ve been nice to know that ahead of time b/c it’s hard for me to commit to attending knowing that cost. I already planned my budget with other things in mind under the assumption that I’d spend no more than $150-$175 on the Bach party. His response was more or less focused getting me to show up, so he offered to put me on a payment plan. I felt insulted by his callous response, so I confirmed that I’m not attending.
**Flash-forward \~2 months later,** I receive a venmo charge \~$400 specifically for the bach party trip. I’m seeing this in the middle of the work-day so I’m enraged and immediately declined. Then, Sam sends a long message that I was charged for flaking without a good reason, and that my nonpayment would unfairly shift costs onto others b/c everything was prepaid and nonrefundable. He also goes on to say that if the specific amount was such an issue, then it’s my responsibility to seek out that information before rsvp’ing; says he hopes that I can accept responsibility for that inconveneince by paying. Then he charged me again, to which I declined again. I fired back saying that this isn’t about the money but about their poor planning etiquette. I think it’s ultimately the planners’ responsbility to bear the costs as a way of accepting accountability for their failure to give people a timely notice. Tbh it feels like he doesn’t want to accept the consequences of coming up short on his responsibilities as a planne, and wants to push it onto me. At this point, I feel like if I were to pay him now then it’d be like admitting that I was wrong to believe that this is the planners’ responsibility to take, not mine. It’s been a week now since we last spoke to each other.
AITA?
Edit1: Apologies for leaving out some details (charac. limit)–but I hope to give more clarity in mentioning that **I was charged the same amount as everyone who did attend**. To me it looks like Sam is asserting cancellation fee = attendance fee. I don’t think making ***me*** pay full price seems fair; paying a percentage of it sounds fair to me. With that being said, I’m taking everyone’s criticisms seriously and doing some reflection on myself. Thank you everyone.
edit2: We’re all in our early 30s. The itinerary for that day was to meet up in the morning at the party-bus pickup location to go to some craft brewery tours and then the party bus takes us back into hometown by sunset (3 hour round-trip). Afterwards, we grab dinner together and continue more drinking at local brewery (in essence, all-day drinking). This is only 1-day out of the 3-day celebration they had planned. The charge I received only pertains to that 1-day of brewery tours. Did not attend/rsvp to any of the other days.
ESH. They didn’t confirm the price to everyone, but neither did you ask until after they had carried out a group booking.
ESH. He’s right; you shouldn’t have assumed the cost. Responsibility is on you to confirm the price before confirming the reservation. You canceling last minute makes everyone else have to pay more. That said, it’s pretty ballsy for him to assume you’re going to pay for a trip you didn’t even go to.
YTA, you confirmed you were attending, this helped them calculate EVERBODY’S cost. When you backed out and refused to pay you are leaving the organizers to pay your portion of the cost.
You are indeed the hole of the A , in this instance.
You should have paid 100 per month and been with your friends instead of damaging long term relationships forever. Your ego got you.
YTA – If costs were a concern for you then you should have confirmed ahead of time.
Yeah, it would be nice to know the cost before Rsvp’ing but if it was to make it break for you, then I think ultimately falls on you to check. And you have accountability here.
You assumed 150-175. And it was more like 200-300… If $25-$125 is really that much of an issue for you then you probably shouldn’t have RSVP’d.
I think it’s a bit selfish to expect everyone to bare the costs for you flaking. You had control over whether or not you RSVP’d… Not them.
ESH
You’re both right/wrong.
You should have made more inquiries as to the cost if you had a specific budget and were unable to afford more. Particularly before RSVPing.
They should have been more forthcoming about costs, particularly given that the cost jumped from an estimated $2 to 300, up to $400.
But when you say,
>this isn’t about the money, it’s about their poor planning etiquette
You’re being disingenuous. It’s about the money. It’s why you bailed last minute, and it’s at the core of the issue.
>At this point, nothing was said about costs
And why didn’t you ask about it? Assuming isn’t knowing, as you have discovered.
So basically, what I’m hearing is you weren’t provided full cost details but you didn’t ask for them either. Then, you committed to going before understanding the actual cost. When you found out, you backed out, catching the rest of the group off guard. They spent money based on your attendance.
Yes, they should have provided you the full details…however, you would have saved yourself and everyone else a huge headache if you’d taken initiative to find out ALL the details before committing.
ESH.
YTA
You’re in your 30s – this cost is both reasonable and knowable. Your financial situation is not only stressing you out – it’s putting stress on everyone else and jeopardizing your friendships.
YTA mate the costs were calculated based on EVERYBODY’S RSVP. You should have checked what the costs might be before RSVPing. Now its up to you whether you want to nuke these friendships for 400 bucks.
Why would you agree to attend without knowing the cost??
You are SO the AH.
Not only were you indecisive & late, you made assumptions that the planners didn’t know about.
Worse, you are apparently willing to walk away from friendship over your ego & $400
YTA. First, you didn’t give the bachelor party much thought of you confirmed late that you would attending. One should never assume. If you weren’t told the approximate cost, you should have asked before confirming. Didn’t you have any kind of conversation regarding where/time/how you all would traveling to the place? I get being in a tight budget which would make me ask detailed questions. You need to take responsibility.
YTA.
If cost was such an issue, why did you just assume what the price was going to be rather than, idk, *ask*?
You RSVP’d yes. They booked non-refundable things based on your “yes” RSVP. That is a commitment to pay.
I really don’t see how you don’t think you’re an asshole here.
INFO: Why did you make an initial assumption of $150 – $175? If money was a concern from 3 months back did you state to the organizer that you had a budget? Also this post says nothing about where you were going & for how long etc. Those details would let us know if your estimate was even remotely realistic.