My brother passed away a long time ago. My sister-in-law and her kids live hours away from us. Always I’m the one calling her, visiting them, organizing programs, bringing gifts. Last year we met only a couple of times. The teenagers playing in their rooms mostly, I don’t feel a strong connection like I did before. This Christmas we sent money for all of them as they were away and we couldn’t visit.
A thank you would have been nice, but it never came. A message for the new year, or greetings for a special day I celebrate every year – they all have been ignored.
Am I expected to make all the efforts to stay connected, as they have their own problems and busy life?
My nephew’s birthday is coming up and I don’t know what to do. Going there to feel unwelcomed or sending money seem futile.
AITA?
NTA – you don’t have to go even if invited and you have no obligation to send anything.
It is the adults that are expected to try to maintain the connection. In this case, the adult would be you because the mother of the children has no relationship to you other than once being married to your brother.
Once your nephews become adults then the expectations begin to change.
Never give a gift expecting something in return
NTA, it’s a two way street. They can’t ignore messages and expect there to be a relationship. It’s one thing of they’re busy and they can’t see you, but messages are easy to respond to.
Teenagers are almost universally TA, but they will grow out of it. The family that still called on their birthdays even if it wasn’t reciprocated, that has kept the connection alive into their adulthood. Keep going.
Stop sending monetary gifts. Still text birthday wishes and Happy Holidays to them. They don’t appreciate the gifts you’re sending and you’re unhappy with the silence. Take back control
NTA. It’s up to you to figure out whether or not maintaining a relationship with them is important to you or not. Kids are kids, don’t ever gift a child expecting a big thank you. I think teenagers especially can be a little self centered and are going through their own big changes in life. It’s not cool that the mom can’t hit you with a thanks for a greeting, but thats on her.
To share a personal anecdote: my mom has a 1/2 sister. Sister gets pregnant with quadruplets- yes, 4 kids at once. We live across the country. Each year my mom would send all of the kids thoughtfully curated gifts- Halloween baskets, Christmas gifts, Easter baskets, a box of things for their birthday. 4 of everything so nobody is left out. When my mom would fly to visit, sometimes her sister wouldn’t even carve out an hour for a visit. She would promise and then flake at the last second. Too busy, too self centered.
The kids are 22-23 now and have not sent a thank you note to my mother once. No phone calls, nothing. After 22 years of gifting, she finally stopped and she’s so heartbroken. She was doing it not for a gift back, but because it was important to her to show love to her nephews.
My mom found value in reaching out, so she did it because ultimately thats what made her feel better even though it was not reciprocated. She’s really sad to stop but finally had to do it because she was so hurt by the lack of reciprocation.
If it makes you feel good to reach out and keep a relationship, keep doing it. If you don’t find it to be worth it, you’re not an asshole for stepping away.
Send a card with a thoughtful note. Maybe include a memory of his dad at his age.
Teens are distant and weird, but it’s super important they know you love them and they matter.
Don’t send money in you feel it’s not appreciated but always send love.
Just send a card wishing them happy birthday
NTA.
I used to give my nephews gifts every year no matter what. But once they turned 18, I stopped. The older one wrote me a few thank-yous, but the younger one never did, even when I gave him $100 for graduation. He was 18 and old enough to know better. I’m not mad at them, but I’m done.
You can send cards but i would keep it at that. If they cared, they would’ve showed you one way or another.. SIL still has her own family, they probably have their own friends where they live. It fizzled out, and that’s ok.. Stop flogging the dead horse.
NTA. Stop sending them stuff. They don’t appreciate it & their parent sucks for not teaching them manners. I did the same thing.
I wouldn’t take it personal that the teenagers were just in their rooms or don’t want to talk to you as much. They’re teenagers. That’s normal.
NTA
Quit sending money and see how quick they respond. Then you remind them that there is never a word from them, no thank you, no checking in with you, etc. If they can’t be bothered to maintain a relationship, then you can’t be bothered to send gifts. I honestly don’t blame you for being upset. I had to do this with my brother. I would always buy his kids gifts, and my kids never got one. I stopped. He mentioned how his kids didn’t have gifts to open on Christmas one year because my sisters and I didn’t send anything. I paused then said, “Hey, guess what, neither did my kids, where are YOUR gifts to them?” He shut up and nothing else was ever said.