Context : Cram schools are a big business in our country, with many parents sending their children to one to prepare for both end of term exams and much higher stakes entrance exams. My(20m) friend ‘John’(20m)’s parents are tutors at a cram school. His dad tutored me in English and his mom tutored me in Maths and Physics.
His dad was injured from falling down the stairs and is in hospital right now. Some of his current students and former students like me visited him. Before I left, he asked me not to tell John. He said he wants John to focus on university and getting his grades up, and that telling him would only add more to his plate. John’s mom said the same thing.
I haven’t told him yet but one of our friends said I should since he has the right to know what’s going on with his family.
Don’t do it. The father asked you not to. Respect that. Let the dad handle it
NTA. this is between your friend and his dad, i would avoid getting in the middle of it
John’s parents are concerned John will lose focus and asked you not to tell. Telling John isn’t your decision to make. Respect his parents’ wishes.
NTA
You’re right. I’ll respect their wishes.
NTA.
Y W B T A if you do tell him. John’s dad asked you not to tell him. It would be a different story if John’s dad was like life threatening injured but it seems like it isn’t serious enough (or his dad thinks it isn’t serious enough) for John to be worried about
I agree. If he were dying, that would be another story. But both of his parents made their wishes clear. He doesn’t ever have to know you knew. If he finds out, you were sworn to secrecy, respect his parents, and value your word.
Well, they asked you not to tell, but who is your allegiance to, them or him? Don’t be surprised if you no longer have this friend when he finds out that you knew. I know that if one of my friends knew that my parent had something this serious going on and didn’t tell me, they would be out of my life forever and my relationship with my parents would never be the same either,
NTA, unless he is in critical condition and could die. If he is just injured, then it’s best to respect his wishes and not worry your friend unnecessarily.
NTA.
This is a common dilemma. Two or more people (let’s call them A and B), who have a close relationship with each other, also have some kind of relationship with you. Person A tells you something in confidence, and says “Please don’t tell B”.
My rule is this: If I keep Person A’s secret, will Person B (or anyone else) **be harmed?**
**If the answer is no, then I keep the secret.**
Person B may be offended, or disappointed, or angry, or have their feelings hurt. That’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t amount to harm.
Person B (if they find out) may insist they had an absolute right to know because they are closer to Person A than you are so you should have told them. They are wrong. They don’t have any such right. People are allowed to keep secrets from family members, especially about their own medical issues. Your friend who said you should tell John is wrong.
Keep his father’s confidence. You will be demonstrating to his parents that you can be trusted.
Ironically, you’re doing John a favor too, because if John ever needs to tell you anything that HE wants to keep from his parents, he will know that you can be trusted.
If someone, anyone, withheld from me information that either of my parents (possibly even siblings) had been hospitalized for whatever reason, I would be furious with them to the point where I would seriously consider ending the friendship – regardless of what my parents may have said. Your friend, John, is an adult. He can decide for himself how to respond to this family crisis and whether to visit his father or not. What his parents are asking you to do is to strip away from him that decision. If you go along with their wishes, YTA.
On the other hand, his father is also an adult, and has the right to decide who has what information about him, and when.
If I were your friend, I would be furious with you when I found out that you hadn’t told me.
ESH