I (20F) am now married to my husband (22M). We met two years ago, got engaged last year in March 2024 and married in August of 2024. To keep within the limit of this post, I will summarize this to the best of my ability trying to not leave anything out. Once we got engaged, my husband asked me not to tell his parents immediately as he wanted to tell them and was waiting for the right time. I was working for them at this time due to their generosity, at this time our relationship was amazing, but after a friend of ours told them about the engagement they were angry, fired me, cut me out from their lives and my husbands brothers (teens). They would curse me out to my husband, say he didn’t need to marry into a family like mine (poorer, they’re more on the richer side in careers), etc. Husband moves out about two weeks before wedding, we have wedding in August that we saved up for (was already discerning and planning as we were dating about the marriage) and we marry and his parents and brothers dont show up. I don’t see his family until 1 month after the wedding and try to make amends. Husbands father makes small talk and is two faced with me with my MIL only spoke to my husband and ignored me for another month before actually talking to me. When I apologize (from 2024 to Dec 2025) about those events and how we should have communicated with them (despite feeling terrified of doing so knowing they’d react how they did) she acknowledges it but never lets me forget how selfish, naive and stupid we were for marrying so young and also getting pregnant and having our baby. Never calls the baby a mistake, and we did name our baby after her in an attempt to heal the relationship, but now I regret that and having a relationship again seems impossible. I acknowledge we were very wrong for what we did but after trying so hard to repair our relationship (since 2024 to now I’ve done a lot to try and recover our relationship) I just dislike them and don’t want to try anymore. AITA for not telling my in-laws about our engagement immediately and marrying young?
ESH because your ILs are shitty and you are pretty bad at telling this story. Just casually mentioned the baby in at the end when your pregnancy was prob a big part of this sage.
I’m honestly really sorry. There’s a 3000 character limit and a lot of rules, and I was trying to follow everything to the best of my ability. I honestly figured I could answer any questions here in the comments to try to give more context. I got pregnant a month after the wedding. At this time I was just coming back into their lives again, and even though my MIL originally ignored me for that first month she then began to slowly talk to me again and things seemed to be improving. When we told them about the pregnancy in December of 2024, they went back to saying that we were naive and irresponsible, beginning to become very two faced with us where they’d make small talk and be polite but that was about it.
When we first got engaged my husband wanted to tell his parents on his own accord as they’ve had negative reactions to life changing decisions he’s made before (EX: choosing not to follow his mothers career path which made her kind of shut him out for not having a career to pursue in general, she ignored him, had arguments, and it kind of lasted for months.) During our engagement/a bit before and after he did have a job and with money he was left with from a car accident and such worked to buy a new car for himself, paid for classes for a career he wanted to pursue that was different, and more to where he wouldn’t have to depend on them for anything. Well during the engagement his parents essentially just hated me and didn’t think the marriage was a great idea, so when the date arrived they decided ultimately they wouldn’t attend. Because they were so upset it influenced my two BIL’s not to come, my husbands grandma, and the only ones to attend from his side were my husbands uncle and his wife.
If you have more questions where I can provide more context please feel free to ask, I’d be happy to answer.
“Once we got engaged, my husband asked me not to tell his parents immediately as he wanted to tell them and was waiting for the right time.”
YOU GOT MARRIED TO, AND HAD A CHILD WITH, SOMEONE WHO WAS/IS ASHAMED OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Your husband is the asshole. So are his parents, for taking out their feelings on you and not him.
It’s too bad you went along with the plan at the outset but it’s past now.
NTA, it’s your (and your husband’s) life to live. I don’t really understand why you didn’t tell them but they have to just get over it. If they don’t, live your lives without them.
Where is your husband in all this? He is the one who asked you not to tell his parents immediately. When his parents found out, what actions did HE take to mend the relationship?
Seems to me he put you in a bad position by asking you not to tell, now he’s leaving you to take the fall for it.
To be fair, he has apologized to them as well and has defended me in all of this. I promise he hasn’t left me in the dirt. He had planned to tell them but a friend of ours unfortunately just got to them first. It’s not a half-assed thing where he was never going to tell them and leave me to be the fall person for it all, he had a date with them scheduled to talk to them to try and smooth the news over. He had brought me over to their house a month after the wedding so we can try to make amends. When we broke the news to them about the pregnancy he was also very quick to defend me that we were very happy to bring new life into the world and we could provide for our child, and was the one to escort me out of their house when things got too heated during that and upsetting. He has been a great support, things just didn’t unfold as they should have.
NTA- That was your husband’s responsibility, because your husband specifically asked you to say nothing. Your husband should be standing up on your behalf and making it clear that the choice was his.
Your in-laws aren’t owed an apology, because you and your husband are both adults who made an adult decision (and quite frankly their reaction is ridiculous). But IF an apology was necessary it should be coming from your husband, one to his parents for not breaking the news himself like an adult, and one to you for letting them punish you for his choices.
YNTA, your husband is!!
It’s his damn immediate family, it’s on him to tell them, not you.
Not sure where the baby comes into the picture, which could explain a great deal.
NTA, but this is not about you not telling them about the engagement. Hopefully your husband has learned there is no perfect time for anything. The right time for him to tell them was before sharing the info with other friends. Wishing you and your family the best.
NTA. And, respectfully, grow a backbone. You were specifically asked to not tell your in-laws, yet you keep willingly taking the blame for not telling them. Your husband shouldn’t have asked you to keep a secret and the fact that he did is a whole other issue.
You shouldn’t have named your child after your MIL to “repair the relationship.” That relationship may or may not be broken forever but a namesake isn’t going to change the outcome.
Wow! Your husband knew his family would react badly – and they did.
There’s really not much you and hubby cam do but stay strong as a unit and raise your child. Don’t even bother kissing their butts – husband already knew the deal.
NTA, in fact I’d question the hubby hiding it. Can’t live with liars in my life.