I (28F) and my partner (30M) just bought our first home. Given the economy, we intentionally bought something affordable that needed a lot of work, planning to renovate it ourselves over the course of a few years rather than buying a move-in-ready home we couldn’t afford.
Since this was our first home, I wanted my family involved. My dad used to be a handyman and is somewhat retired, currently living in Mexico. We thought it would be nice to have him visit, help where he could, and be part of the experience. I was very clear that most projects we could handle ourselves, but it would be nice to have his help and spend time together.
My dad agreed but was worried about flight costs and a dog sitter. We paid for his round-trip flight ($800+), and he covered the dog sitter ($200). He stayed with us for three weeks. We provided groceries and housing, and when we occasionally went out to eat, he waited for my partner to pick up the bill. Which he usually did.
Here’s the kicker- the help was … bad. He constantly referred to our house as “lipstick on a pig,” cut corners, and tried to hide things from me. For example, during the bathroom renovation, we found mouse droppings in the insulation in walls. I specifically asked him to wait so I could clean and seal everything properly. He told me he handled it, but instead, he laid new insulation over contaminated insulation and lied about fixing it.
The entire visit was tense and ultimately put strain on our relationship. We’re not really talking right now as things got weird.
I later learned he told my sister he felt unwelcome, unappreciated and “not taken care of,” and that we should’ve been more generous with meals and outings since he was “saving us thousands” in labor.
I never viewed this as transactional. I genuinely thought he wanted to help, especially knowing money was tight after buying a house and he was with us as we spent thousands on materials during every Home Depot & hardware store run. If we had known we were expected to financially support him beyond flights, housing, and groceries, we wouldn’t have asked for help at all.
Am I the asshole??
ESH-A weekend or two of help is one thing. Three weeks of daily labor in another country is a LOT of work to expect from a family member who does this type of thing for their living. Sounds like he did save you many thousands of dollars in labor. Expectations should have been discussed beforehand on both sides, and as for the quality of the work, hire someone with higher standards next time.
I agree ESH…my family is full of handymen and contractors and when the fence needed fixing it was a ‘hey could you help us with this one task’ and everyone was happy with it. However if it turned into ‘hey can you come help for three whole weeks for no pay’ that seems a bit much.
You got what you paid for.
ESH. This was honestly too much to have asked for, especially the way you frame it. He still could have just said “no”, though, instead of doing a crap job.
\~\~INFO: Did any of your family actually ask to be involved and/or tell you they wanted to help and ask how they could do that, or did you just assume everyone would love to travel to you and work on your house for free?\~\~
Edit: Y’know what, I have to go with ESH, but you moreso than your dad. He’s a grown man, so if he felt hesitant about traveling to a different country to work for free on your house for three weeks then he should’ve just said no instead of doing a half-assed job. However, if you’re not paying somebody for their work and their time, you are not in a position to be complaining about the quality. If you doubt that your dad saved you thousands of dollars, check the going rate for his type of labor where you live, then call a couple contractors and tell them you’d like them to travel to another country for 3 weeks of work and ask them how much *that* would cost. You don’t view it as transactional when your dad points out that he went quite far out of his way to save you a bunch of money, but you *do* suddenly view it as transactional when you add up the cost of the meals you bought him? Sorry, babe, no such thing as free house labor.
ESH, leaning toward you in AH prime mode. Your dad sounds like he was cutting a lot of corners and he’s a big boy, he could have told you these things directly or been more up front. However, “I never viewed this as transactional” is self-serving. He’s paying time and money to come help you save a lot of money, and you’re worried about a couple meals and complaining about the quality of his work. If you really wanted him there just to have that experience with him, don’t nitpick. If you’re really concerned about the quality, hire and pay for a professional. It’s not up to him to ensure you can make your poorly budgeted house decision a success. You give yourself away at the end saying if you had known being generous with someone who’s being incredibly generous with you was a thing, you wouldn’t have asked him. It was never about the “experience”.
YTA. You wanted free labor and you got what you paid for.
Sometimes “free” help from family isn’t worth the price. NTA
YTA
“Since this was our first home, I wanted my family involved”. What does that even mean? You wanted a bunch of free labor?
“My dad used to be a handyman and is somewhat retired, currently living in Mexico. We thought it would be nice to have him visit, help where he could, and be part of the experience.” The Experience? The Experience of being your slave for a few weeks you mean?
Why TF do you think a retirement-aged person he would \*want\* an unpaid few weeks worth of work?
Parents help. They want to help. This is not that.
Parents are not your wage slaves. This is the same thing as expecting grandparents to do free daycare. ***You tried to take advantage of him, and it went sideways.***
***”***and when we occasionally went out to eat, he waited for my partner to pick up the bill. Which he usually did.”
No effing kidding he shouldn’t be buying his own food. 1) he’s a guest you invited, and 2) he just worked a day for free for you.
How did you get so entitled?
Pay a contractor for 3 weeks of work. Tell us how much it cost and then compare.
You can get a cheap contractor or the best money can buy, I guarantee it’s more than what your meals would have been.
YTA. You put your Pops in a position to be an AH too