I (31F) am the oldest of 4. There is a 10 year age gap between my youngest sibling and I. I am also soon to be a mother of 5 ranging from 0-8.
My mother (54F) is frustrated my family and I don’t visit often. She lives an 11 hour drive away (without factoring in any stops or delays) from where we live currently. In our experience it’s closer to a 15 hour trip with my kids. We originally moved here because both my parents and my in-laws lived here, but my parents moved away 6 months later.
Since they moved 6 years ago, we have visited 3 times. It was easier when my husband was still in school and we had less kids. We don’t typically travel far when I am pregnant (we couldn’t for a while as our insurance wouldn’t cover anything outside of our home town) and try not to travel with newborns. We last visited in the spring for a week and were meant to come for Christmas for a week but didn’t get the days off.
My mother thinks we should come more often for weekend visits. She visits 1-2 a year for a TH-Sun weekend and believes we could do the same. She has pointed out that when I was little (up to age 9) we travelled twice a year to visit whichever grandparent was far away (8 hours away, 9 with minimal stops). I don’t think it’s the same.
Since we live in the same town as my in-laws we often see them multiple times a week and we are all very close to them. My husband and I were also volunteered to plan the reunion for his family since it was originally going to be held where we live. It will now be 5 hours away. When I tried to talk with my mother about this change, she became upset claiming that “I would move heaven and earth” to help my in-laws but couldn’t deign to visit them. She was also still angry with me about Christmas.
This all feels very unfair to me but I’m wondering if I’m not properly considering my mother’s point of view. Am I the asshole?
Did you guys promise Christmas before figuring out your work or did something happen? Are you spending next Christmas with them?
I’m gonna go with NAH, but I can kinda see where she is coming from with the reunion for your in-laws being far away now and you guys putting what seems like a lot of time into that. It seems like she does make an effort to see you. She probably wants to feel like you care. And when she visits I hope your inlaws step back so she can get quality time with you.
NTA. You just have to stop trying to debate your point of view with each other. You have different opinions, that’s okay. But it’s getting tied up in deeper emotions and you’re going to have hurt feelings if you don’t stop engaging with this debate. Tell your mom, “look, our family has the capacity to travel to your location visit X times per year (or every other year) for X amount of days at a time. We have the capacity to host you X amount of visits and/or days per year.” Don’t debate what is “fair” or “feasible” or what have you. It’s a difference of opinion and neither of you are going to get the other to one day agree. Just focus on what your family can commit to and plan that with her.
Thank you. I try very hard not to debate with my mother as it’s often a frustrating endeavor. She has been bringing it up weekly since we found out we for sure couldn’t come for Christmas. I’m planning to bring this up to my therapist to draft a response to her bringing it up and setting the boundary that I won’t fight about it with her.
Yes, set boundaries, use the broken record technique for that, and don’t JADE.
JADE is a shorthand reminder for Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
It’s used in boundary-setting and conflict situations to warn against over-explaining yourself to someone who isn’t actually seeking understanding. When you JADE, you give the other person material to debate, twist, or use to keep the conflict going. Calmly stating your position once, without trying to convince or prove it, protects your energy and keeps the focus on your boundary rather than their reaction.
NTA- the thing to say is “yes mum, I would go out of my way for *husbands* parents, it would behoove you to be curious why”
I suspect there are more reasons than the distance why it’s draining to visit mother.
Old mum needs to face the consequences of her own actions and behaviors
NTA. It’s much easier for her to travel to you instead of you dragging 5 kids along to travel to her. Maybe she can stay for longer visits when she comes to visit you?
We’d love to have her (usually – this issue is souring that) but she tries to only travel when she doesn’t have to miss work and she works M-W every week. She will likely come for a week’s span when our last baby is born.
Your title is very confusing. I thought the in laws were complaining.
Beyond that… are you saying you go to your parents less than twice a year? I mean, my in laws were a thousand miles away and we managed that much a couple times a year.
Did you have 5 children to take with you? It sounds like this family also has work restrictions and we don’t even know what financial restraints they could have.
Yes. We traveled right after they moved, and then again the next year after we had our second, but due to my husband’s school schedule and my work schedule and having two more babies in a much shorter span than anticipated, we haven’t been able to travel again until this last year. We do need to come more often for sure but will use all my husband’s PTO this year as paternity leave for our 5th. We would be able to figure out one visit in 2027 probably, but since my husband only gets two weeks PTO a year, we’d have to plan very carefully.
NTA things are not how they were when yiu were a child and you are not her. Say no without guilt. She moved, this is how it is.
NTA. I think your mom needs to visit you more. She can’t expect frequent visits from you when you live far away and have so many small kids. But I do have to ask…why are you planning your in-laws’ reunion that’s 5 hours away when you have all these kids?
So you moved to the town your parents and in-laws live in. 6 months later she moved 11 hours away and you need to take your 5 young children on that road trip to see her more often. He’ll no! She moved away from you so she doesn’t get to play the victim because you see your in-laws often and are close to them. She moved from that convenience.