I (41F) have a toxic relationship with my dad. Growing up he was abusive, and as an adult, interactions with him still cause severe anxiety.
For a few months, he wasn’t feeling well (later told me he had pneumonia). I tried to reach him multiple times via text and phone to see if he wanted to spend time together, but he didn’t respond. I limit conversation to texting because calls almost always escalate into arguments, and he has told me not to just show up unannounced.
I was very sick with a high fever during his recent hospitalization (12/29–1/1), so visiting in person would have been unsafe. I arranged for my younger brother to drop off gifts instead. Later I found out he has lung cancer. He decided he wasn’t going to tell me as a punishment, because if I cared, I would have showed up. When I called to check in, he yelled at me, saying that if I cared, I would have visited why he was in the hospital.
I love my dad, but I’ve tried to communicate and help safely without triggering conflict. I didn’t visit in person because I was sick with a very high fever i’m just now feeling better today.
AITA for protecting my health and mental well-being while trying to maintain a relationship?
NTA
You aren’t allowed to visit hospitals by hospital staff where I live let alone a patient with cancer who has a reduced immune system. He is emotionally manipulative.
He can’t tell you whether you cared or not. Only you know whether you cared. Do what you have capacity to show your care.
Thank you, that means a lot. You’re right only I can know my intentions, and it’s been important for me to find safe ways to show care without putting myself or anyone else at risk
NTA, I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
NTA
As a hospital worker, thank you for not coming to the hospital as a visitor while sick. We are dealing with *rampant* Influenza-A, COVID, and other respiratory viruses at the moment to the point we have just had to change visitor policies to stop as much spread as we can.
You didn’t just protect *your* health, but also your father’s as another illness on top of his other ailments would could have been serious, as well as all the hospital staff and other visitors you could have come into contact with – even had you followed precautions.
Yes! That’s exactly why I stayed home. I was really worried about exposing him, hospital staff, and other patients to my illness. Your comment really helps me feel like I did the right thing
I just had influenza A, with a fever of 104 and a waterfall of snot for days. It’s been a week and a half, and I still can’t breathe properly. Taking that to a hospital would kill people. Your dad is just a grump. Mad you didn’t go, but if you’d gotten him sick, he’d be mad about that. You’re NTA, you’re considerate.
I hope you feel better quickly!
nta – even if you and your dad were 100%, if you are sick stay home!!!!!!! especial icu, surgery, and cancer wards. they wouldnt have let you in if you told them you were sick or tested for a fever. but some hospitals offer videl calls. but i would stick to texting. cancer is awful, but he isnt nice tl you either.
I appreciate your perspective. I’ve learned over the years how important it is to protect myself and set healthy boundaries, and sticking to texting has been part of that so then i’m going to stick to it. I only called him tonight because of the diagnosis i found out about for a separate party. Which was a bad idea and I should have known better
You have no obligation to visit someone who has been abusive to you. Period. Even if they are closely related to you. Even if they are sick or dying. Whatever familial obligation *might* have existed was wiped away when the person engaged in abuse or chronic mistreatment.
This is especially true in cases like this where the abuse isn’t only in the past and the person is engaging in ongoing abuse and manipulations.
NTA. It doesn’t matter that you were sick… You wouldn’t have been the AH anyway. It’s just ludicrous to me that he can’t take even a minute to pause from his desire to manipulate to recognize that you did him a favor by not visiting when you were sick enough to put him in real danger.
I would be so tempted to say something like, “It’s really a shame that you fail to recognize the tremendous effort I have been putting in to maintain a relationship with you despite your history of truly egregious behavior towards me. It’s particularly sad that you are choosing not to take the opportunity to repair our relationship or at least make amends while you are still here. But ultimately, that is your choice. I am no longer going to try to convince you that I care…and if you keep acting like this, perhaps I will stop caring, and then we both can move on.”
NTA you would have been if you had visited as the flu would have been incredibly dangerous to anyone with compromised immune systems. Also it would have been incredibly dangerous for him.
If a cancer diagnosis won’t change how he acts towards you I don’t think anything will
that’s a good point. I appreciate that perspective. I think sometimes what hurts the most is knowing that he’ll continue that generational trauma because no known that he went through a lot as a child as well it just carried on to us although I do hope with this new diagnosis, it might help us communicate.I think that’s just me being naive, though
NTA. Your dad sounds controlling and manipulative. He’s unable to deal with his own deep insecurities about feeling unloved so he lashes out and piles them on you. He needs to be the parent, not the child.
I’m sorry.
Thank you, your comment really resonates. It’s taken me a long time to realize I don’t have to absorb his insecurities. I’ve been working hard to set boundaries and communicate healthily, I really appreciate your perspective
NTA
As a healthcare worker, I am sick to death of people who think that rules regarding health of visitors are for everyone except them. Your relationship with your dad notwithstanding, if a patient’s family who showed up to visit with a high fever, I would kick them out while spraying them with hand sanitizer and throwing gloves and masks at them. Your dad would have nothing on how loud I would yell at you both. You show up to visit and you expose everybody in the hospital to whatever you have. Visiting a relative while you are sick is selfish. Your dad giving you hell about you staying away shows who he is. To me, it doesn’t matter that he is a toxic person in your life or that your relationship is tenuous. He could be the sweetest, kindest person alive, you don’t visit someone in the hospital when you are sick.