I (19F) am a junior in college, home from winter break for the holidays. Long story (extremely long) short, my uncle (39M) failed to get his lease renewed for the kitchen he rents for his restaurant. He wasn’t given a ton of time to leave, basically 3 weeks. From what I understand, he was a really bad tenant and the new management was not willing to let it slide.
He was able to get everything moved out and realized that he would have been able to get everything out by Christmas. Instead, he elected not to. He argued that he had employees to pay and that now that they wouldn’t have a job coming into the New Year, that it was the right thing to do to keep them employed. This meant keeping the restaurant operational for longer and pushing everything back until Jan 8.
When he proposed this idea to my grandmother (76F), she was ecstatic that Christmas was even happening and pressured me and my mom (45F) a lot to give in. We agreed. I had never really considered myself the sentimental type. Boy I was wrong.
The problem that I am now having is that this is the last normal Christmas that I am going to have. I have had a really rough past six months (my mom got diagnosed with cancer, we went to court against my dad, and one of my best friends from high school died in a motorcycle accident all from the months of August to October).
Beyond that, with timing and graduating early from college and then traveling to go to law school, I am really not ever going to get another Christmas like I’ve had in the past. Instead of coming home for a week and simply driving to my grandparents house on Christmas morning, I will likely have to fly in for like 3 days since all the schools I’m considering are really far from home.
This has made me become slowly more and more angry with my uncle. If he had simply functioned as a business owner and tenant, none of this would be happening. I think that a lot of my anger also has to do with timing. I have felt like I have had to grow up extremely quick this past semester and I just want one last ounce of normal and I’m never going to get that again for something completely out of my control. I am sick of life happening to me so fast. I know I sound like a baby but I want a second to breathe.
So all of this to say, I am considering asking to not go. I move back into school on Jan. 10 and my boyfriend’s birthday is earlier in the week (he lives by my college) so there is a part of me that just wants to stay with him and skip this ordeal all together, have them ship my gifts or something.
If I’m being honest, I will probably still go, for the sake of everyone else in my family. But I still have this anger that I don’t know what to do with and I feel like I can’t take anymore things going wrong.
WIBTA for asking not to go?
I’m sorry you had to go through all that this year.
Unfortunately, this grieving of your childhood is part of growing up. Realizing you’ll never have the same experience again because of life’s changes.
You mention your mother’s diagnosis and your grandmother’s age. Instead of focusing on your uncle, think of the regret you might have missing out on this Christmas with your mom and grandmother. If you do choose to cerebrate it, do it for them and yourself.
You expressed this so well. Not much else to add. NTA, but you should go and enjoy the time you’ll get to spend with your loved ones. Maybe ask if you can bring your boyfriend along?
NTA, growing up is full of ‘lasts’, the last time that something happens. Lean into it and enjoy it for every moment that it lasts.
Sorry, I’m really not understanding what you are upset at your uncle about. He’s hosting a belated Xmas at his restaurant? Does that mean you did not celebrate Christmas on the 25th with you mum? Or is your uncle’s thing just extra?
I won’t call you an asshole, because you’re objectively dealing with a lot right now. (And I’m technically not sure what the problem is.)
I’ll just offer advice to step back and reflect.
You mention this will be your “last” normal Christmas, and that’s a really hard feeling. It’s something you’ll feel a lot in life, but it’s always hard.
Especially when you know ahead of time that it’s the “last” time. It’s hard to know how to meet the occasion appropriately.
So just step back and reflect before the moment passes.
What specific things do you cherish about the “normal” Christmas celebrations that you are used to? Did those things still happen this year? Will those things happen at your uncle’s celebration?
It sounds like your grandma is excited about this situation! I know it might not be the “last normal” Christmas you were expecting, but don’t let that prevent you from participating at all.
I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been carrying this year — that is an overwhelming amount of loss, stress, and forced “growing up” in such a short time. Wanting one last moment of normal doesn’t make you selfish or immature; it makes you human.
It’s okay to recognize that you’re emotionally tapped out and may not have the capacity for a postponed holiday that already feels loaded with resentment and grief. Asking not to go isn’t the same as punishing your family — it’s acknowledging your limits and trying to protect your mental health.
You’ve been putting everyone else first through some incredibly hard circumstances. Giving yourself permission to rest, breathe, or choose what feels safest for you right now would not make you the ahole
I get that you are disappointed. Things change. As long as you have your family that’s all that matters. If it’s too much to fly home then don’t go. But do t let it be about resenting your Uncle. It’s not like you all couldn’t be together. The stress of life changes and a diagnosis of cancer in your mother is devastating. Just put one foot in front of the other. If it will make your mom happy and you can handle it emotionally then go. Your uncle should not factor into the decision. It’s about you and your mom.
NTA but….
1. Christmas isn’t only a day. If it happens 12/25 yay. If it happens 1/23 yay. It won’t change the sentiment.
2. This was never going to be a “normal” Christmas. There has been too much drama and trauma in your life recently for it to be just like it was before.
3. Your uncle really isn’t to blame, but he seems like the only one in the whole situation who could have just done better and made things better. His irresponsibility created extra stress that didn’t need to be there.
4. Do what you need to do for your own sanity, but hug your mom and take a moment wherever you can to eat a cookie, drink some cocoa, and stare at the Christmas lights. Maybe start some new traditions?
INFO: Sweetheart, at this point you can’t have that last normal Christmas. It’s been and gone. Either you and your mom celebrated it and the meal in January is a family extra, or you decided to wait and have it in January with your uncle.
So which is it?
But if the January meal is the only Christmas you’re getting, it’s worth considering that it’s not just you who’s had a terrible year. Your mom’s had to deal with cancer and the court case, too.
Is your anger at your uncle sufficient that you’re okay with the fallout impacting your mom?
Sorry, but this makes no sense. Are you saying that all the rest of you did nothing but sit on your hands at Christmas — because your uncle was busy? Why does your uncle control family events? Surely, if he’s in the restaurant business you never do see him on holidays anyway? What prevented you all from gathering that day without him? Or from you just enjoying Christmas with your mother?
Why would you fly back for a “Christmas” that isn’t Christmas? It wouldn’t be the normal Christmas that you crave anyway.
So many questions. ESH for no sensible answers.