My father seems to be aporoaching the end of his life and emergency room visits are getting more frequent. The doctors arent saying anything in particular will kill him so he could keep living indefinitely but I have seen the same neurological and cardiovascular disease in my grandparents and I am pretty sure the end is coming this year.
Regardless Im thinking about the future
AITA for not wanting to attend his funeral? we had our differences and fought a lot but made up in the end so its not like theres too much bad blood and frankly Im just over being angry at him for his abusive past and want to move on from that… and I learned to love him at the end too.
The thing is I hate funerals they never help me feel better. I always feel worse after them and never healed. they are always traumatic and I hate seeing other people emotional and having to put on a show for the other guests while upset myself. If I had it my way Id book a plane ticket to a tropical island for a week to atleast enjoy the sunshine and be sad somewhere pretty but even I know thats beyond tone def for other family members.
more context:
The problem is Im his oldest son and hes muslim (im not/bad experience with organized religion growing up) so idk if im needed to carry the body or stuff like that (Ive never been to an islamic funeral). Half the extended family is non muslim and arent fans of him so idk if they will attend, or care if i do, and the other half are muslim but probably wont attend for visa related reasons. so it really will most likely just be my mother and siblings going and hopefully not me. We all live very very close to eachother so its not like they wont see me that day or anything like that…just not at the funeral ideally
IDK if I had kids Id just tell them throw me in the ground and take yourself on vacation
NAH. You are trying to decide between your personal need and social/cultural obligations. At this time, you might want to take the time to learn exactly what those obligations are, maybe learn more about why the exist. Its no shocker you feel that funerals are a show for guests while also not being fully sure of what your role would be.
I agree. Do a little homework before making a final decision.
IMHO if your family are the only people in attendance I would go. Your family should know and understand the situation so they shouldn’t be all emotional and demanding of you. If nothing else you could show up for the burial. There is a lot less talking there and if you want to leave you just get in your car and go. If someone says something about it tell them you were to overcome with emotion to be there longer.
NTA If it’s going to be just you, mother and siblings maybe talk with them about doing a non-traditional celebration life.
If nothing else, you should try to be there for your mom and siblings. I get the impulse, I mean no one actually likes funerals, but not going might be seen more as you abandoning them in a time of need. I’m not saying you’re an asshole, but it would damage your relationship with your family pretty badly.
funerals are for the living. If it helps you to go, go. If not, don’t.
Do consider if not going will cause tension in relationships with living people you care about. That may change the equation for you.
NTA. You are not obligated to ever attend a funeral no matter who the person is. If you choose to stay away, you do not owe an explanation to anyone.
NTA. Funerals are for the living, not obligations. If attending would just reopen old wounds from the abuse and make you feel worse instead of bringing closure, it’s completely valid to skip it and grieve (or not grieve) in your own way. Your feelings about him and about hating funerals sound genuine no need to perform for family optics, especially when the relationship was complicated and toxic. Do what actually helps your healing, even if it’s booking that tropical escape instead. Take care of yourself first.
NAH
You are not an asshole for having a preferred way to mourn. I will say that if you are only expecting your mother and siblings to be there, not going to be with them during the funeral might blow up your relationship with them. In times of grief, people lash out and the grudges collected during a funeral are so hard to get over.
If I were you, I’d go to support my mother and then go on vacation right after for my own personal mourning. No on loves funerals but they’ll remember you either showing up for them or letting them down.
NTA for not wanting to go to your dad funeral. Nobody *likes* funerals. However… I wouldn’t suggest blowing off said funeral for closure and family support reasons.
I can’t judge really but had a similar relationship with my dad. Eventuellt it comes down to how you want to honor his memory, if you want to be the better person or not.
You can do that in the sanctuary of your home. You can do it today, tomorrow or whenever.
The memory does not end with a funeral. My trauma is a lot better now that my dad is dead. He is at peace. I am too. I want to believe he tried.
YTA, do you know anyone who attended the funeral of a loved one and came away uplifted? Do you know anyone who had fun or was unemotional at a parents passing?
You don’t have to put on a show for anyone, it’s a very emotional time for all involved. If you don’t attend you will be giving rise to speculation. People will rightly call you out on your disrespectful behaviour.
You say you love him, but do you love him enough give him a proper formal goodbye.
My mother died nearly 3 years ago. One of my brothers did not come to the hospital during her 6 week stay. Did not come to her wake. Did not come to her funeral.
No bad blood between them. He was 65 at the time. She bought him a car, gave him money if he needed it. No logic behind it.
His reason for not going ” I don’t like funerals”. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for it.
NTA for not wanting to go, but funerals are really for the living not the dead. Consider the effect on the rest of your family if you don’t go- would your support by being there make it easier for them?
If they are *really* fine with you not attending then don’t go if you don’t want to, pay your respects how you want.