Hi guys, using a throwaway account so I don’t get found out…
My twin sister and I (23F) just finished college and are moving out of home. My grandma and her sister have offered to help us buy a house together (I had some savings as I was planning to rent an apartment after college anyway). We were both very grateful and excited, but internally I was wary.
For context, we grew up with a very abusive mother and a negligent father, to the point we lived with my grandma and her sister from 13 years old. We both consider them our maternal figures. Our teen years were pretty rough as we were dealing with a lot of mental health issues due to our childhood. So, when I finished HS I was determined to get my mental health under control and have been in therapy since I was 20.
Therapy has helped me so much with my emotions, dissipating my brain fog and helping me have normal relations with people. I finally enjoy life again.
On the other hand, my sister has not gone to therapy. I’ve told her many times how it’s helped me, along with the challenges, but the benefits far outweigh it. But, she refuses, saying she’s handling it just fine on her own. I understand therapy is not for everyone, so I even suggested other methods for her – group therapy, self help books, arts/creative media, exercise/bodily movements, mediations, etc. She shut this down too.
We’re very close to each other, but her inability to cope with her emotions in a health manner has slowly eroded my patience with her.
I find it increasingly hard to live with her, as she’s messy, lazy, judgemental, prejudiced, temperamental, expectant (she’s not snobby enough to be called ‘entitled’), controlling, unforgiving, insensitive, inconsiderate, hypercritical – I could go on but will stop there for now. I will give examples if you ask.
She also has contamination and ordering OCD (not diagnosed, cause she doesn’t want to go to therapy, but that is what my therapist suggested) that she refuses to explain to any of us and explodes in anger if we don’t ‘comply’ or mess with her ‘order’. As a side effect of her OCD, she hoards so much stuff, and it’s everywhere in the house.
Any time I try to bring up my issues with her she deflects, and brings up petty issues she has with me. Then she will storm off, give me the silent treatment, then try to be my friend again like nothing happened. She has never once apologised to me in our 23 years of life together, even if she was clearly in the wrong. I always try to be understanding when we disagree, and am willing to admit when I’m at fault.
When she acts like this in front of our younger siblings and they call her out, she’ll apologise right away. But with me? Never.
But the thought of cutting her off, feels like I’m cutting off a limb.
I don’t know, I love her, but reddit AITA?
NTA, and honestly, it sounds like living with her would be a total nightmare you gotta put your own mental health first, even if it hurts.
NTA, for your own peace of mind.
NTA. but this situation is clearly deeper and more complex than just the house issue anyway. you believe that she will cut you out of her life if you won’t live with her? is that something she has actually said?
you say she deflects from ever having a serious conversation about these things. have you tried saying to her that you can’t live with her until you can talk these things through? do not promise that you will live together if you talk about it!! but maybe imply that you want to live together, you just need this first, for your mental health.
you will have much better luck by keeping the focus on your own needs, instead of what you perceive her needs to be.
for example, she won’t start therapy, but would she start couple’s therapy with you if it was for your own sake, rather than hers? maybe even flatter her a little, “i know you can express yourself fine without it but i need the help,” to get her in the office.
you definitely shouldn’t move in with her as things stand. but hopefully if you can regain a little communication, things may get better. it would also suck to lose the help in getting on the property ladder just because you can’t get along with your sister!
NTA, you don’t have to live together with anybody that you do not want to, even if they are your sibling. Cutting her completely off sounds too extreme. Just live separately and hang out whenever you want to.
NTA. Also, why are you saying that “the thought of cutting her off” feels so terrible? Not wanting to buy a home or otherwise live together does NOT equate to cutting someone off. You can still maintain a close relationship with your twin without living in the same building. In fact, you may be enabling her behavior. If you choose yourself, it might force her to recognize how much work she needs to do on herself so that she can grow and heal too.
We’ve been each other’s anchor for so long (for better or for worse), and over that time our lives become tangled together. We share so many things that it’s hard to unravel sometimes (but I’m slowly…secretly… getting there). She can be petty over really trivial matters that I feel like if she found out that I want to do something significant by myself that she’ll completely cut herself out of my life.
I have be calling her out on her bs more and more, but she shuts down, gives the silent treatment, then wants to be friends again. Then the cycle repeats.
If she cuts you off that’s *her* choice. All you’re doing is choosing not to live with her. Don’t let her (or anyone) twist it around. Take your savings, rent an apartment, and live your life!
NTA thank your benefactors. “I do not want to live with twin. If that means giving up the $ I understand.”
Edit: you know they want to dump her on you so they don’t have to worry about twin.
NTA, unless you forgot to mentioned that you’re conjoined twins. Seriously, setting aside your sister’s inability to handle her feelings, you’re your own person. You have your own life to live. You love your sister and want to help her, but that doesn’t mean you have to buy a house with her and live together.
NTA. “I don’t want to live with my twin “ is not the same as “I want to cut my twin out of my life”. You can get your own place and remain in contact with her. Just tell everyone that you are ready to be independent, don’t go into all the very valid reasons that you don’t want to live with your sister.
Sounds like you shouldn’t live together. Doesn’t mean you have to cut her off.
NTA. You’re so young, is buying a house even a good idea at this stage of your life? It can be quite an anchor.
Your grandma and aunt just want her out of their house and this is a convenient way to do so.
Just say Thank You, but No. Get your apartment, and be ready to say No to sister coming with you. If grandma has thr money to buy a house, she can use that instead to help fund an apartment for sister, if she needs it.
NTA
Not buying a house together isn’t cutting her off. It’s just not living together.
While it’s an extremely generous offer, you should talk to your grandmother and her sister and voice your concerns. There’s a chance they are hoping you’ll be able to help your sister when they aren’t in the picture.
Politely decline, and ask if there is an alternative they might be willing to offer. If not, is not worth putting yourself in a bad position for the sake of housing assistance. At some point you’ll want a significant other, and it probably won’t work long term with your sister under the same roof. The same goes for her.
You are 23, and buying a house is a decades long commitment. You’ll basically be committing to a bad marriage with split assets, without the marriage.
I would point out to your aunt and grandmother that you hope in due course to get married and have children, and you are sure that your sister hopes for the same. if you buy a house with your sister, then at some future date one of you would want to sell the house so that you can then buy your own home with your future husband, and that the one twin might not be able to buy out the other meaning the property would have to be sold and that this could cause the remaining twin difficulties.
Two single people buying a JOINT home is never a good idea.
NTA