Okay, I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but whenever I bring this up my fiancé makes me feel like I’m the asshole.
My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and we have a 10 month old daughter. We’ve both lived in several different countries, so this might sound a bit messy.
When we first met, my fiancé owned an apartment in another country. We still spend time there and we’re currently visiting now. He has friends there, and there’s one specific friend I’ve been having issues with even though we’ve barely interacted.
The first time I met her we ran into her on the street. When my fiancé introduced me, she didn’t shake my hand or really acknowledge me. But she immediately reached out to shake hands with another friend of my fiancé who was with us. It felt awkward.
Every other time we’ve run into her she basically ignores me like I don’t exist. For context, she’s married with four kids, so I don’t think there’s anything romantic going on. My fiancé is friends with her husband too and he seems perfectly nice.
From what I’ve heard she comes from a wealthy background and can be pretty condescending. I’m very introverted and lately I’ve been extremely insecure because of postpartum changes, so the idea of spending time with someone who already makes me uncomfortable really doesn’t appeal to me.
Whenever I try to talk about this with my fiancé he gets annoyed and says I’m trying to isolate him from his friends. Since we had our baby he’s also said I’m sabotaging our daughter’s chance to make friends because this woman’s youngest child is the same age as ours.
About a month ago I received an Instagram message from a random account saying I’m a horrible mother and don’t deserve my baby. After looking into it, I’m almost certain it came from my fiancé’s ex. The account follows her and there were other clues.
The complicated part is that this friend of my fiancé is still somewhat in contact with his ex. As far as I know, nobody else could have told her we had a baby because she doesn’t live here anymore and has no other connections to him. My fiancé just told me to block the account and forget about it.
Now today this same friend texted him suggesting we all meet next week so the babies can meet. I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to spend time with someone who treats me like I don’t exist and who might also still be in contact with his ex.
On top of that I’m dealing with a bad PCOS flare up and feel awful about my appearance right now, which makes the idea even worse. Intense hair loss, acne, bloating etc.
My fiancé says I’m making things up in my head and just being insecure.
So am I the asshole for not wanting to meet this person? I even said he could take our daughter if he wants, but I’m hesitant about that too.
NTA, but get some counseling to deal with your insecurities. You risk sabotaging potential workable relationships with your sensitivity. Developing confidence will help you, your child, and your relationships. Try to enjoy the adventure of life. Good luck!
I just ended a one year relationship because his girl best friend stopped replying to me while chatting with him everyday. He took her side n that was enough for me to end things. I know ur situation is a lot more complicated and include more lives but it’s definitely not a good sign. And I know personally the pain of feeling second choice in your ow relationship n being in secret competition with another women whose hostile towards u. I feel ur pain. All I can say is trust ur gut. Even if nothing is going on, not putting u first is a bad sign n will cause u a lot of pain as that is very unlikely to change.
NTA
> Whenever I try to talk about this with my fiancé he gets annoyed and says I’m trying to isolate him from his friends. Since we had our baby he’s also said I’m sabotaging our daughter’s chance to make friends because this woman’s youngest child is the same age as ours.
Say what? Sabotaging? Isolating?
A certain someone is giving you the cold shoulder and your fiancé says that? That’s so unsupportive and dismissive.
You don’t say that to your partner. I’m not one to speculate and engage in hearsay, but I have a feeling there’s something that doesn’t seem right. There might be some history between your fiancé and that woman giving you the cold shoulder.
This isn’t to say you should assume the worst.
> So am I the asshole for not wanting to meet this person? I even said he could take our daughter if he wants, but I’m hesitant about that too.
No, you’re not. Your fiancé is being dismissive.
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No. I think your fiancé should have your back no matter what. You seem so nice and sweet
Your fiancé should have your back no matter what. NTA
Same Mama, I’m in the same boat as you with the PCOS and postpartum. Our babies are the same age it seems! I think your valid for not wanting to be near her. But why does your husband immediately go to ‘your isolating me’? It seems a little much if it’s this one friend that bugs you. Do you have a problem with most of his friends?
I get the introverted thing. I am too and honestly I would say stay home but I also see the dilemma of him and your daughter just going….I wouldn’t be comfortable with that simply because I wouldn’t want my kid around someone that makes me uncomfortable and your husband should not necessarily bend to you but check in. Ask and listen to your feelings. That’s what I think. A good conversation should happen but it seems he’s kind of shut that door already.
YNTA But you have a giant hubby problem.
You need to write down everything that she did that made you feel bad. Everything. Lay down to him and ask ‘why do you care more about her feelings than mine?’ –
If he tries the isolation angle – ‘I’m not asking you to be isolated or to lose your friends, I’m asking you to support your wife, can you do that?’ ‘I’m asking you to choose your wife.’
And finaly: ‘My daughter will not interact with someone that treats her mother badly, I do not care if you hate me enough to make me go through that so many times, I’ll not do that to our daughter.’
However you need to talk to him. Ignore her. She’s not important. How he treats you is the real point here. How he invalidates your feeling is the point here. It sounds like he cares more about her feelings than yours. More about her, than about you.
You don’t have to hang out with someone who makes you uncomfortable, especially when you’re already not feeling well. However, when your husband says you’re isolating him from his friends, are you telling him you don’t want him to hang out with her either? Are you fine spending time with his other friends?
Why does he want you to spend time with someone who treats you poorly?
NTA Show him this with responses.