I (32F) was the result of my mom having a brief relationship with Adam. I don’t know a ton of details about the relationship itself, but Adam and my mom were broken up by the time I was born. Adam was only briefly working in my hometown and had to move away, but was told my mom was pregnant. It was decided I’d stay with my mom full time, but visit Adam for like a month every summer, so I could have some sort of contact.
Adam already had two kids from a previous relationship, Will (35M) and Chris (39M), so I’ve got half brothers that I spent the summers with as well. And I really like Will and Chris, they always treated me well for the most part (there was typical sibling bullying but they didn’t treat me like an outsider or anything.) We stayed in contact even when I wasn’t visiting and when people ask if I have siblings, I mention them, cause I love them just as much as I would if we were full siblings.
The thing was, when I was 2, my mom met her now-husband, and they married when I was 4 or 5. That’s my dad. He did all the things a dad is supposed to, treated me like I was his, I don’t think he’s ever even said he was my stepfather unless it was something like a doctor asking family history. Even when I was a kid, Dad was Dad, Adam was Adam. I never felt super comfortable calling Adam dad even if he is my biological father, cause I saw him for about a month every year.
Adam died recently, and I called Will and Chris to check on them. It was pretty sudden so I couldn’t make the trip out there to say goodbye, but I asked if there was anything I could do. Chris said it would be great if all three of us could each do a eulogy for him. I didn’t really feel comfortable doing that. Like I’d do a prepared reading or something but I don’t think I could do a personal eulogy.
Will understood completely, we weren’t close, I didn’t really consider him my dad. Chris BLEW UP. He’s always been a little miffed I call his dad Adam and my dad Dad, and he accused me of not seeing them as siblings cause I wasn’t close with Adam. He said I shouldn’t bother coming to the funeral cause I clearly wasn’t a part of the family. I told him that I was his sister, and I want to be there for him and Will, but I just wasn’t close to Adam. That made things worse. He’s now refusing to speak to me. Will says he’s just grieving and didn’t mean what he said.
Like, I want to be there for them, but also I don’t have much to say about a father I barely knew. Should I just agree to write the eulogy and pretend he was my dad, or wait for it to blow over?
NTA Chris is taking his grief for his father out on you and is making you feel outed because you had another parental figure in your life and he does not. He’ll get over it and if he doesn’t you’ll realize how he really feels about you.
If I was being hyper-critical, you could probably have said you’d help and then just not contributed much and Chris wouldn’t have had any reason to kick off.
However, what you said was both honest and tactful, in & of itself there was no justification for the meltdown that it precipitated.
Will is almost certainly right and this is just a manifestation of Chris’s grief, but if it isn’t, you did nothing to cause it.
NTA / NAH (given likely grief).
Sorry for your loss.
EDIT: To add missing word that skewed the meaning, d’oh!
NTA, hear Will he got the right idea, Chris is suffering, give him space and time. You could go or not, being close to someone grieving aint just to be there phisically. Also, funerals aint meant for the dead, they are already gone. Funerals are for the living ones, to remind us that our friends and familty are still with us,
> Like I’d do a prepared reading
Frankly this is what usually happens. An eulogy is just a hard thing to do for some, close or not. Its rather common for a loved one to just do a reading if only to not have to add public speaking to the emotions.
NAH.
Chris is just grieving.
NAH. Will has it. Chris was wrong, and probably owes you an apology, but it doesn’t seem to rise to him being the ahole here. Funerals suck.
NTA – but neither are they. He’s upset he lost his Dad.
And your Dad can be your Dad and Adam can be Adam, and you can still give a eulogy. You spent enough time to know your siblings
I get it’s complicated, but it seems like a lot of focus on labels and wording where there doesn’t need to be
Awwwwwww Will is a real one. NTA. Give Chris time, and maybe an email to both of them that says “you’re my brothers and you will never stop being my brothers and I’m glad our dad hosted me for a month every summer so I could have you in my life.”
Go, if you want to go. You have every right to decline a eulogy. He is hurting and probably feeling guilt of some kind which why he is being a jerk.
You shouldn’t fake closeness just because someone died.
Will is right. I think you will regret it, if you don’t go.
Support them however you feel comfortable, but don’t become Chris’s punching bag. you can grieve without being a super jerk to others.
NTA
I don’t even need to read this whole thing to tell you that no one can or should be forced to write a eulogy.
I’d also follow with NAH. Chris is grieving and Will is right. Go and be there for your brothers. Give him some space but make sure he knows you’re there and that there’s a path back to normal. It’s probably just tough for him to hear the Dad he just lost wasn’t the best father to you.
I’m sorry for your loss first of all.
Second – it doesn’t have to be super personal I don’t think. You could probably quote a poem and add in that he will be remembered. He’s your bio dad so you will remember him but it doesn’t have to have all of these personal anecdotes.
Third – Chris is grieving. Hopefully he can realize and apologize for his actions but I would t take that so serious. He’s not willing to understand your POV right now because his dad, the one HE knew, just died. Give him time and then reapproach it.
Edit: add in that you are NTA.
NTA. I agree with will that Chris is just letting his grief talk. Losing a parent can be incredibly hard and it’s likely just hitting him in weird ways. I do think he owes you an apology for this outburst, but hope he comes to that realization on his own.
Both of my parents are dead and I didn’t write or read any eulogy for either of them. I’m not good at writing and have no way with words, but I did read a poem I found at my mom’s funeral because I felt it conveyed the love and memory of her that I wanted. I don’t think you should write a eulogy pretending he was some kind of father figure that he wasn’t, but maybe work with Will for the time being to find a reading or passage or whatever and approach Chris together with it (and I only say this since you said you would be fine with a prepared reading).
NAH.
Without more information on your actual relationship with Adam (Good, neutral, hostile?), it is hard to say whether it would be reasonable to eulogize him. I didn’t eulogize my biological dad because he wasn’t there for the vast majority of my life; I did eulogize my stepfather that my Mom married when I was a full grown adult. I called him by name, not Dad.
IMO, ultimately funerals aren’t there to comfort the dead. They are to comfort the survivors. If you didn’t have a hostile relationship with Adam and you have a good relationship with your brothers; it might be good to do it for them. Understandable of you don’t (still NTA), but might bring comfort to you brothers.
Just because you consider your stepdad your dad doesn’t mean that there isn’t a place for Adam even if that role isn’t “dad”. A eulogy can be done for anyone and you dint have to pretend like he was this great father figure . You can speak abo him in the exact same manner you wrote about him here.
Talk about while he wasn’t in your like day to day you enjoyed the time you were able to visit and you love the relationship you were all to Heber with your brothers.
Also funerals are for the living and your brothers are asking for you to do something with them. Slight YTA.