I (23F) haven’t talked to my sister (30F) in years. The last time we spoke she got mad at me because I asked her if she was doing okay. She didn’t seem like herself to me so I just wanted to make sure that she was okay. She hung up the phone and blocked me after that we haven’t talked since. Our relationship has been very on and off since I started college. She suddenly reached out to me today asking if I wanted to repair our relationship and I said that it’s not the right time to do that for me. I have a lot of goals that I’m working towards. She literally stresses me out because she’s always blocking and unblocking me when it’s convenient for her. I’m just not wanting to have my feelings hurt again and again and I’m tired of walking on egg shells with her.
There’s so much that happened leading up to this and I can’t fit it all into this post so I’ll summarize as best as I can:
My sister and my mom have a very bad relationship with each other, it’s been like that for a while, since my sister was in high school I believe. They weren’t speaking to each other and made me be the messenger for both of them. My mom would tell me to tell my sister something and then my sister would give me her response and tell me to tell my mother. They went back and forth like that for months until I both of them that they needed to be adults and talk to each other directly rather than using me(I was a minor at the time they were doing that).
Since then, they haven’t spoken to each other in years. My sister blames me and makes it all my fault, she also claims that I always take mom’s side for everything. That’s how we keep falling out with each other. I’m really tired of playing this game with her because I know it’ll only be a matter of time before she finds something to be mad at me for and blocks me again. I don’t like walking on eggshells with people, it makes me anxious and on edge all the time.
Am I the asshole for not trying to repair our relationship?
NTA, you don’t owe her a relationship and you’re not obligated to be willing to have a relationship with her whenever she dictates.
If you want to keep the door open tell her that you appreciate her reaching out but that right now isn’t a good time and you might be willing in the future. But if you’re feeling to keep that door firmly shut then just say you’re not willing to have a relationship with her at this time and then block her wherever you can. She doesn’t get to block and unblock you whenever she wants and expect you to be available whenever she unblocks you.
I responded to her by saying that it was the right time for me and her response was “lol”
I would love to have a good relationship with her but it’s not worth the drama and stress.
If that’s how she responded to you saying it’s not a good time for you, then she wasn’t reaching out in good faith.
NTA and with that age gap your sister really needs to grow up
NTA, you shouldn’t be in the middle of a problem that your mom and sister are in.
Sounds like your sister hasn’t grown up and may never grow up. You are not obligated to participate in her on again, off again relationship. Focus on your own life and protect your peace. nta
>I’m really tired of playing this game with her
>I said that it’s not the right time to do that for me. I have a lot of goals that I’m working towards
>Am I the asshole for not trying to repair our relationship?
She needs to repair her, and she and your mom need to repair themselves without involving you as the go-between. Until that happens, it will be more of the same. From what I’ve read, you’re done with that.
Good for you for walking away, and prioritizing your mental health over her emotional abuse.
NTA
Some people are perpetual victims and your sister sounds like one of them. I think you’re smart to avoid “reconnecting” with her while you’re focusing on yourself. She either needs or wants something or she wouldn’t be contacting you and I’m afraid it’s not about being close as sisters. You have to do what’s best for you and opening yourself up to heartache isn’t in your best interests. NTA.
NTA
She should have started with an apology and an explanation of why she hung up on your and blocked you.
Dude, BLOCK HER
NTA but come on girl, take some control
Sometimes “family” is just DNA. NTA
NTA, look up “enmeshed family dynamic” it sounds like they are both trying to make their emotional state YOUR responsibility which is not okay.
I would draw very clear boundaries “I am not a messenger. If you ask me to pass a message on, I will remove myself from the conversation and go no contact for 3 months”. Or “I don’t want to hear whatever negative things you have to say about ___, that’s what your therapist is for. If you say negative shit about ___ to me, I will immediately end the conversation and take some distance.”
Enforce it every single time. Also feel free to block her while you are no contact so she can see how it is to be on the receiving end.
NTA.
There’s a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Your post reminds me of this title.
Good for you for stepping out of the thankless position they put you in as messenger when you were younger.
Good for you for sticking with your current desire to accomplish your goals.
You can’t “fix” anyone else, but you can work toward your own achievements, including stability within you and around you.
You sound wise.
Keep up the good work.
NTA. Life is too short to keep toxic people around. Seriously. If she stresses you that much, and tbh, I can see why, it’s just not worth it. I would maybe feel different if she had grown up, changed, was taking responsible for her crap behaviors. But she’s clearly not. It’s ok to say no.