Newish to Reddit so forgive me if my format is off.
My sister in law (who is married to my husband’s brother) sent my husband and I a text asking what day we were planning on heading to my husband’s dad’s house to celebrate Christmas so that they could meet us there.
For context, they went no contact with us for a little over a year and decided to reconnect this year. We tried reaching out multiple times to find out why and never got an answer. Fast forward, my husband’s brother finally reached out because he missed him and explained (I shit you not) that he was offended because I was surprised he had a Pinterest account and he didn’t like my tone when I showed my surprise. His wife also was offended by me for answering the multiple questions I was getting about when I was going to start having babies (the day after my wedding) with the following, “I do want to wait until my mom can apply for her visa so that she can come and be with me during postpartum”. This one I understand because her mom had passed away a year before that. However, I wish they had told me that was the issue when I kept reaching out instead of ghosting us. They also said my personality was too much for them and the constant invitations to do things was overwhelming for them and seemed fake. My personality isn’t for everyone, cool. But the invites were group invites I was sending out to our friends and I was just trying to include them.
Now this year, they reached out and said they realized they may have over exaggerated and want a relationship after all. However, I simply don’t care to have one anymore. I tried to have a good relationship with them before they cut us off and would babysit and loved spoiling their baby girl. It hurt when they cut me off without any explanation. And at the time my own family was falling apart so I was excited to join theirs. They also convinced my mother in law to cut me off and she spoke so much shit about me to all of my husband’s family.
Now that they have two more babies, I recognize their effort in trying to have some sort of connection and we’ve had play dates and met up. I simply don’t want to spend my holidays with them. And it annoyed me that her text wasn’t her asking if we are open to celebrating Christmas together, but just asking for a date that would work with us.
I ended up replying to them that “we weren’t really planning on going to their dad’s for Christmas when they were” and that we’re “trying to keep these holidays super casual and not overwhelming for us”. I also said that “the assumption that we were down for that kind of threw me off and I just want to be transparent”.
Am I the one overreacting now and being the asshole?
No they may just do the same thing again over something minor
This was my thought. Plus have they done anything to repair the damage they caused with MIL and the family or do they just expect to rug sweep?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
NTA in my opinion. I think it’s better to ease back into a relationship with them than immediately rushing to spend Christmas together. Holidays are filled with drama, something would come up and it’d ruin Christmas so i don’t blame you for wanting a casual holiday without them. I would be honest with them though and explain that at this point in time you’re enjoying your peace and don’t really care to have a relationship with them. Definitely talk to your husband about how you feel because it’s his family ofc but i wouldn’t want to be around people who cut me off and convinced others to do the same while talking shit
NTA
I think they’re just looking for a free babysitter and gifts for their kids. I wouldn’t want to spend time with them either, especially after ruining your relationship with mil.
My first thought when OP mentioned the additional children was that BIL and SIL are looking for free babysitting.
NTA – there has got to be an ulterior motive with your SIL wanting you back into the fold. I’ll bet it’s babysitting.
Glad I didn’t have to go too far down the comments to read this.
Suddenly they’ve realised that extra hands would be handy, especially at Xmas. OP, no is a complete answer. No one is obligated to your time.
INFO how does your husband feel about reconnecting with his brother?
Your reply had too many words for this kind of sensitive folks to cherry pick their next trauma from.
“No” will just suffice. Or get your husband to handle his family.
What does your husband want? This is his brother. If he wants to have a relationship, I really think you should support it. I can understand how hurt and confused you were by their actions, but for me at least, it isn’t unforgivable.
If your husband is ambivalent or doesn’t want to move forward, then you should just ghost them right back.
NTA- They’re likely looking for free childcare, help with drop-off and pickups for their three kids, they need money, or big favor like reference or for you to co-sign a loan.
Tell them that your family now does mellow, peaceful Christmases. Spending time with your in-laws was not even a consideration. Since you still not sure what happened to start the disagreement; it might be best that if you don’t gather for high stress times. If they are trying to reconcile, you are willing to do a zoom meeting in the new year.
Then see what happens. If there is nothing ulterior, they should be willing. If they want something from you, they will try and force the issue.