I (19 F) don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend (19 M).
We both requested Valentine’s Day off months ago, however his job recently switched scheduling apps and blocked the day off even after he had it requested off. He can’t find a replacement and can’t get the day off now. His boss is also being very weird about having it off saying “if I can’t have it off no one can get it off”. He’s switched shifts with a friend and works an 11-3 instead of an 11-5.
During this time he’ll be working with a coworker that has had and I believe still has a massive crush on him. He’s stopped talking to her but she’ll still randomly bring him things and snap/talk to him in this demanding girlfriend type of way. I’m upset about this and don’t want to take it out on him after he gets off work that day.
I’m grateful for the time I have with him but seeing as Valentines is also our 6 month anniversary (this is my first long term relationship due to trauma and grooming from the past) and it was my turn to plan the date, so I had stuff for the whole day planned. Now we only get to do the things he wants.
I also know he’s usually super upset or irritated/agitated after work so I told him we just shouldn’t do anything that day and treat it like any other normal day.
He’s been upset and yelled at me about it saying I’m acting like I don’t care about it at all and that he still wants to have fun that day. I told him we could still have fun but I don’t want to get my hopes up for plans that’ll fall through.
I.e. he wants to get breakfast but I close the night before (11:30pm) and know I won’t wake up to get breakfast at 8 am…
Am I the asshole?
EDIT!!! I TOTALLY MEANT TO PUT THIS SORRY YALL!!!
I told him I’m okay doing everything he wants (breakfast, bowling, dinner) and he stated how he wants to do those things (that he had planned and not me). He then said that if I didn’t want to do that he’d go hang out with friends to ‘still have fun’.
You both need to want to put in the effort. I’m not seeing it from either side. He’s working till three so that’s plenty of time, and you can get up early for breakfast too. It’s one day.
ESH.
ESH. He shouldn’t be yelling and he shouldn’t bring his work related agitation home as often as he does. That’s not good.
But he’s only working 4 hours that day. Just plan around that. Go and have a nice breakfast. Got for some activity and a meal after he gets off work.
YTA
You are punishing him for things that are out of his control. Not his fault the scheduling got mucked up. Not his fault his boss won’t give him a day off. Not his fault this coworker has a crush on him.
I can understand being disappointed that your plans are going to be disrupted. That sucks. It’s also life. And it sounds like he’s got a good portion of the afternoon and evening off. Plenty of time to spend together and do something fun. Cancelling everything because you don’t get the whole day is just a major dummy spit.
Soft ESH, less soft YTA.
If you were really that concerned about spending your 6 month anniversary with him, you’d have no issues waking up for breakfast, especially when you can go and take a nap while he’s working his shift / before doing more things with him that afternoon.
If you can’t do the activities you planned on that specific day, why not do them another day? You’ll still get to see your plans through, and you won’t have to worry about Valentine’s Day crowds.
And the coworker thing is all you. He’s done what he needs to do to discourage her and show you he’s not interested, and you being petty about it is really childish. What’s he supposed to do, request not to work with her and inconvenience everyone else to appease you? Quit his job? Publicly shame her?
If he actually yelled at you then ESH. If he just got exasperated and annoyed and said something with an attitude, which seems to be what most people (men and women) actually mean when they say “yelled” then YTA because you’re punishing him for things out of his control and you’re being weirdly jealous over something out of his control
I got four very long very loud very mean voice messages…I promise it was actual yelling (he doesn’t usually yell at me)
I actually really appreciate this and the feedback!
I’m totally down to do my plans another day it’s just we usually do what he wants when he wants to? So he’d agreed to let me take total planning over this one. I was just super excited abt it and got really upset and didn’t want to take it out on him when the day actually came. That’s why the distance during the actual day. However yall’re right that is petty and punishing him when it’s not his fault.
I didn’t even think of the crowds though and how people are gonna try and go all out! So thank you! I needed the reminder :DD /gen
Also thank you for the coworker thing! I don’t want him to publicly shame her, request anything, etc. and he has done everything. I think I’ve just been in an awful insecure mindset all day after finding out he’d spend a good part of the day with her of all people :,///
BUT THANK YOU AGAIN EVERYONE!!! More feedback would be appreciated!
Esh for the reasons the others have said, but you’re fine for not wanting to do breakfast. Just do the other plans or change the plans.
YTA He can’t take the time off, so you have to work around that and compromise. He’s agitated because instead of doing that, you’re trying to cancel the whole thing when it really would take minimum effort on your part to reorganize your plans. You’re coming off as childish.
Come up with a new activity that you can do in the time he’s available instead of storming off. Try the stuff you originally wanted to do on a day you’re both free. You don’t have to limit yourself to a specific, state-organized day.
The whole coworker thing was irrelevant as well. You can’t hate him because a girl has a crush on him.
He’s an adult and has a job to go to. Be grateful for that. At least he can take you out that evening. Some people have to work much longer shifts on many holidays.
You’re both 19 and it shows.
1- you work until 1130, getting up for 8 shouldn’t be a problem if this is important to you.
2- he switched shifts and will be working with a coworker that has a crush on him, so you’re saying if he worked 2 hours longer he wouldn’t be working with her? If you’re not impressed that he tried to get off earlier to spend time with you? Or that the reason he switched shifts is negated because he’s now working with her.
3- you’re 19, you don’t need to excuse this being the first long term relationship. Sure you had a bad relationship before. But again, you’re young. I’m not trying to brush off what you went through but it has little to do with what you’re doing right now.
4- Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday to get people to spend money on overpriced flowers, candy, and other things. Restaurants suck as no one wants to cook, so they are busy and the food isn’t as good or is a longer wait.
5- he’s super agitated/irritated after work. I’m sorry why are you dating a guy that you don’t want to be around after he’s done work? Unless this is a super temporary job, and it’s only this job that makes him cranky, WHY??? The average person works 5 days a week. So 5 out of 7 days you don’t want to see him. And at 19, he’s got a lot of work ahead of him. Sure most people don’t love work, not all the time. We all have hard days. But we suck it up and come home and enjoy that we are no longer there. But if he’s settled there, making no moves to improve his situation, you’ve got big problems coming.
If you both want to do those things, go do them. If you don’t, don’t. But if you don’t, you have to ask yourself why. And if you’re asking why, you need to look at the long term picture. Not that this is your longest relationship, you’re longest will hopefully be a long time, it’s better to end something toxic or that doesn’t make you happy sooner than have it drag out because…
YTA. And I mean that nicely, but I wonder why you’re in this relationship when you don’t seem happy.