I’m processing a lot of emotions right now, and I want to know if AITA for how I handled a situation.
I (F28) live with my parents (M63 & F70). Today, our dog (F9) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She is a Plott mix we rescued and she is the first dog I’ve ever owned. I love her so dearly and I truly don’t think I can ever own another dog after her because I can’t imagine anything filling the void she will leave in my heart. She has had vague symptoms since October and we have had her to the vet multiple times looking for answers. Well, today we got our answer. My parents took her to the vet again this afternoon while I was at work and found out the news – she has an aggressive form of cancer that has metastisized to her lungs and abdomen. There is no treatment and the vet recommended euthanasia within the next few days to prevent further suffering as she won’t eat. I hope to have the weekend with her for plenty of cuddles before saying goodbye.
Earlier today, I got home from work and sat down with my parents so we could discuss our day and the results of our dog’s appointment. My parents told me the news that they had found out a few hours ago, that our dog has days left. While I was processing the news and the diagnosis, my mom began to recount the deaths of other pets that we have lost to cancer (4 cats over the past 10 years or so, all beloved members of the family we still mourn). Trying to process the news that my sweet girl was going to be gone by next weekend was a lot. Thinking about my cats that had passed before her and the horrid things cancer did to them was too much for me. The exact words I said to my mom were, "I’m sorry, but I don’t want to talk about the deaths of our other animals right now." She got upset but didn’t say anything else. later, I stepped away to use the restroom and overheard her telling my dad "I guess my feelings don’t matter." When I came back, I told her that her feelings do matter, but that thinking about the cats’ deaths while trying to process the news for our dog was painful for me. She told me I was being insensitive, because she did want to talk about them as part of her grieving process, and that if I didn’t want to hear it that I should have left the room. I told her that conversations involved 2 people, and that if one person doesn’t want to talk about something, they shouldn’t be forced to. She said that I don’t get to decide what she talks about and how she feels.
I thought that I was setting boundries for a conversation. I didn’t want to discuss the deaths of our cats, so I tried to respectfully communicate that. But I know that people feel grief differently. Should I have just left the room so she could talk freely? Did I invalidate her grief? I feel awful but I really didn’t want to have that conversation.
AITA?
NAH, you’re both grieving in your own ways, and they conflict with each other. There’s no right way to do this, just try to give each other some grace as you say goodbye to your beloved companion. I’m so sorry.
NTA!
You were respectful when setting your boundaries with her. Obviously you are both entitled to grieving how you want, but she seems to think her feelings are more important than yours. If she wants to talk about their deaths, she can wait until she’s alone with your dad or get a therapist. If she really needs to discuss it with specifically you, she should be sensitive to how it hurts you and give you time to heal before trying to have that conversation again.
Maybe try to encourage talking about all your favorite moments and personality traits of your dog with her. Share pictures and videos, keep it positive, it might make her feel like you are together in the grieving process.
I’m very sorry for your loss OP, I hope you have a good weekend with your pup before she crosses the rainbow bridge. I know it seems impossible right now, but she’ll send you another pet when you’re ready for it.
NAH: everyone processes grief differently. you were not bad to ask to focus on the living pet and they were not bad to want to process their grief in terms of other loss. This stuff is hard, try to be gentle with each other.
Thank you, truly. I believe that I could have expressed my feelings better. I loved the other pets so much and remembering them while trying to process the news was too much for me. Instead of saying that I didn’t want to talk about them, I could have said that I was overwhelmed and that remembering the other pets was painful right then.
NTA what did she want you to do? Just get up and walk out without saying anything? Also as the child you are not responsible for her feelings. She could’ve asked you to go into the other room or her and your dad couldve gone into another room if she felt it was necessary to discuss. I think those would’ve been reasonable asks but her accusing you of not caring about her feelings is incredibly childish in itself. She’s also invalidating the fact that you probably wanted to still talk about your dog or grieve with your family, so instead of taking care of you (like a parent) she made it about herself.
She is 28. Hardly a child. Time to grow up and be an adult.
Still doesn’t mean she’s responsible for regulating her mom’s feelings especially when she is also grieving.
But she can regulate her own and walk away to allow her parents to continue talking.
Based on the other comments I’m in the minority here but soft YTA. You’re right that conversations involve two people but your dad was also there and your mum can talk to him about other beloved pets if she wants. If it’s a conversation you don’t want to participate in it’s your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation.
Thank you for this perspective. My dad was there too. Even though he wasnt speaking during the interaction, I shouldn’t discount his presence.
I think I could have phrased my feelings differently in a way that was less of a “I don’t want to talk about what you are talking about” and more of a “this is difficult to talk about right now”
Agreed. It might’ve been easier for her to understand where you were coming from if you’d said something like that. I hope you’ve apologized and let her know you weren’t trying to be dismissive, that it was just too much for you right then.
NAH everyone grieves differently. If you didn’t want to hear about the other pets, you could have left the room. Clearly your parents wanted to discuss them.
For some people, thinking about similar situations helps put the current crisis into perspective.
We adopt old, medically fragile dogs. Death is not unknown to us. We often take that little trip down memory lane when it is time to euthanize another one.
When your mom said “I guess my feelings don’t count,” she wasn’t wrong. Her feelings were that discussing previous pets helped her deal with this loss. For you, it didn’t. Neither of you are wrong. You handle it differently, so best to not discuss it together. If she wanted to continue to discuss it, you could have left the room.
Thank you for your response. While my dad wasnt actively speaking during the conversation, I realize now that he was still there and I truly don’t know how he felt about discussing the other animals. I see that I could have better explained my feelings to my mom. I wasn’t ready to think about the others while the news was so raw and new to me, but that doesn’t mean she wasnt or that my dad wasn’t.
Death is sadly all too familiar to us these days, given that we have a number of aging animals who we have loved and cared for so many years. The joy of being able to love our animals their whole lives and having them leave us due to an illness that nobody can ever truly be prepared for has hit all of us deeply.