Background: I (39/M) have a 17 year old stepson. His father passed when he was 6, and Ive been in his life since he was 8.
A few months ago, he came to family dinner and started talking in this funny nasal voice. we laughed, thinking he was joking around, but he got upset, saying we werent accepting him.
This was the firat he claimed he had multiple personality disorder. Short story: My wife and I absolutely dont believe him.
We talked to his therapist (he had been seeing one since his father death), and the therapist knew nothing about this, but doubted the claim. my stepson then asked to go to 2 different psychologists, who also said they disagreed with the claim. My stepson then started refusing to go to therapy unless we find him a therapist who agrees with the claim.
Looking into it, we found that he had started following all these multiple personality/DID "influencers" a few weeks before he started claiming he had it.
My sister in law supports this, and we decided to ignore it, hoping it was some weird phase.
Over the past months, he has really started weaponizing his self diagnosis. He skips chores saying it was a different personality, has started vaping and gets mad when we punished him, as he claims it was a different personality. he has been suffering in school and skipped some classes, all of which he blamed on the other personalities. My wife and I pushed back, and he completely denies responsibilty.
He and some friends are planning a road trip this summer. When he mentioned it, I said he wasnt allowed to go. If he is truly as unaware of his actions as he claims, theres no way its safe. He responded saying he would be an adult. But I pointed out that if he is dealing with this mental illness we could and should put him under legal protections.
He is really unhappy about this, but it seems logical to me. I told him to regain trust Id want him to delete social media, have his online access monitored, go to some intensive therapy, drug testing and start taking responsibility at home and school, with guidelines. My wife thinks I am going far. My in laws believe his self diagnosis and say I am harming him.
So AITA for restricting the things my stepson is allowed to do because of his claimed mental illness?
NTA. He can’t have it both ways, being powerless to his “disorder” when it suits him and being in total control when he wants to go on a trip with friends. It’s more than fair to call this out.
This. He is absolutely using his “multiple personalities” as a get out of jail free card. OP, don’t play into these games, with the kid or your in-laws. It will just make things worse. Take the kid to another therapist to see if he gets a diagnosis; if not, then its because he doesn’t have multiple personalities, and he needs to cut the crap and deal with his real issues. Doctor shopping should not be an option.
NTA. He’s been f**king around, now he’s finding out.
He’s not done yet.
It sounds like he’s faking a real mental illness for attention. Which is fucked up.
Adulthood will give him a huge rude awakening.
NTA, but I recommend doing some research into how you should help a child with multiple personality disorders and start treating him like that, I bet he would find out quite fast that he would not like be treated like that. It would probably severely limit his independence, but you can claim you are doing so in order to truly “help” him, after all you want to be a kind and supportive parent that would raise as functional of an adult as possible.
The ‘ol “smoke the whole pack” approach.
NTA. if he does have multiple personalities, then it would not be safe for him to go on a trip without adult supervision. he has already shown that he cannot follow basic rules and complete basic tasks at home, it would absolutely not be safe for him on the road. if he has been evaluated, and no professional has seen evidence of this type of disorder, then it is up to him to figure out how to move forward, but he can’t have a specific illness when it’s convenient for him to not has to be responsible for something but then expect to be considered to be responsible for something he wants to do
NTA, but you should have been limiting his online activity the moment you noticed he was being influenced into a mental illness diagnosis. He’s being indoctrined to a harmful way of thinking, and you need to cut the source.
He thinks you need to shop around for a therapist who agrees with his self diagnosis? I don’t think he understands how evaluation works. But sending him to multiple therapists may give him further ideas of how to act better at having MPD.
He sounds like he needs in patient psychiatric care did or not this is a red flag. You’ll have a much harder time getting him care after 18.
Dealt with the same thing with my young teen, although thankfully, we have a very positive relationship and I was able to nip it in the bud with him before it led to any problem behavior.
You have definitely hit on something here, though. Either he has it, and needs to be in intensive treatment to address all these severe symptoms causing him not to be in control of his actions; or he does not have it and is exhibiting major behavioral problems that need addressing as such. Either way, no road trip as long as this situation continues.
I would give him a path to everything he wants — road trip, attention, independence, whatever else he values based on your knowledge of him — that depends on getting his act together, while highlighting all the ways his current course is preventing him from getting what he wants. DON’T layer on arbitrary punishments, but lean heavily into any natural consequence — like how a teenager with severe, untreated DID that is causing them to act irresponsibly absolutely isn’t safe to go on a road trip and thus won’t be able to go for completely reasonable safety-related reasons.
NTA. The kid needs correction. Just factor into any plan the fact that he’s 17 and you won’t have physical control of him and authority over his life much longer — barring a custody situation based on a diagnosis. Hey, that’s another point to raise — that severe mental illness can lead to you having legal guardianship over him into adulthood for his own health and benefit, and if that’s the case, his life will be restricted in X ways. Make sure NOT to present it in a way that will sound like a free ride to him.
NTA. I am not a parent, so I don’t know how much weight my opinion carries, but I honestly would push it further.
I would research what the treatment and legal issues are for someone with this diagnosis, and begin treating my stepson as such. I would start the paperwork to buy him under a guardianship/conservatorship. Let him see what his life would actually be like with this diagnosis.
My bet is that his “personalities” disappear real quick.
I’d tell him that you are going to take his muli seriously and that you have arranged for him to have in hospital treatment at the time of the trip so no, he can’t go. If he keeps up the charade, get him some in hospital treatment, maybe he needs it.
NTA you aren’t harming him, you’re calling his bluff. If he truly believes he has this, then he needs intensive therapy, medication, and close monitoring – not a road trip with friends. A friend of mine is going through this for real with their kid roughly the same age, and it’s very difficult.