I, 29F, am the result of a teen pregnancy, so my dad was young when raising me. My memories of visiting him are of him watching movies on his laptop, while my stepmom took me on daytrips. I looked up to him a lot as a kid. But really that fun time was my stepmom organising stuff for me. He was cheap, and my mom said if I need anything to ask her, not him, because he would always say ‘we’ll see’, whether it was deodorant or a movie I wanted to watch. I remember him taking me to a show for my 13th birthday, and it felt like a fun bonding experience between us. But a singular memory.
Issues didn’t really appear until my dad and stepmom had a baby. At 14, I felt that I no longer had a place in my weekend home as my role of the previous relationship’s daughter became evident. I started arguing with my dad more, he would be daytime drunk almost every time I saw him, ranting about immigration. This made me annoyed to visit him, and I started fighting back. Added to that was that every time I did visit, I was made to feel guilty for not visiting *enough,* comments like ‘you should visit more and spend time with your siblings’, although I was balancing a primary home on weekdays, weekend visits to a secondary parent, teenage friendships and time to myself. I went from weekend visits as a kid, to bi-weekly weekend visits for extra time with friends, later monthly visits around age 16, and then as my dad and I’s relationship became more strained over arguments, down to birthdays. I lived about 1hr away by train.
In my early 20s, I remember 2 times I lashed out at him. A time he scolded me for being bad with remembering my half siblings birthdays, and another time he mentioned that I don’t visit enough and that I’m being immature by not being active in my half brother and sisters lives. I told him I could count the times he’d visited me on one hand while I’d visited hundreds, and that all the responsibility was laid on me.
He called me often as a child, and as a child who didn’t like calls, I was unresponsive. I rejected him more as I got older, in retaliation for being the one visiting constantly yet being told I wasn’t doing enough. Admittedly, it hurt me as a teenager to watch him be a full time dad to my siblings, doing things we never did, while I didn’t have a room at his house. I was told to be part of the family but felt like an add on.
Now he never texts me. I text him a few times a year, not for fathers day. He talks to me like a business colleague and says ‘keep in touch’ but doesn’t ask about my life. I make an effort to text him for birthdays now, after ‘forgetting’ as an angry young adult, but it seems too late. He doesn’t ask me questions about my life. I’m married overseas now, and he’s never asked to see pictures. I’m sure he doesn’t know my spouse’s name.
I think I hurt his feelings and was selfish. Reaching 30, I am feeling more sympathetic towards him, but it feels irreversible.
Nta
He was dad in name only
This is not about you, so stop accepting any blame. He has made his own choices, and one is to exclude you. That has nothing to do with you, everything to do with him.
NTA. You were a child, it wasn’t your responsibility to reach out. He is the adult. He didn’t much of a job to parent you, only to blame you.
NTA
Sounds like you spent years pushing him away, and he’s finally taken that hint. What’s the problem?
This is fair. I spent years clashing with him when in closer contact and dealing with emotional issues of feeling like he was a different dad to my siblings than to me, and wishing for what they had in my life which created a one-sided conflict instead of maintaining a civil relationship. My spouse’s father has incurable cancer and it has made me reflect on my harshness with my dad in recent years.
The conflict was only one-sided because you were the only one who cared enough to feel deeply about the inequality. He was happy to point out your perceived inadequacies, but when you did the same, he took no action to remedy the issues. You can only run into a brick wall so many times. He’s just as responsible for this rift as you are – arguably more so because he was the adult and parent while you were a child.
NTA he made someone else take care of you for your entire childhood when it was his turn to have custody, made it difficult to connect with him, and he made it seem like it was your responsibility to keep the relationship when he was the parent
NTA – sorry you think this is on you. He’s been a bad parent, a drunkard and more. You reacted normally in pushing him away. I think you should get some therapy, it’s ok to have empathy for imperfect parents but you seem to be painting him as a victim of you, and taking way more responsibility for the state of the relationship than you should be.
> *he would be daytime drunk almost every time I saw him, ranting about immigration. This made me annoyed to visit him*
…and it also made him the asshole. Doesn’t sound like he’s owned up to his failures as a parent, so no, you are NTA.