Throw away account as i can’t rant about this from my main account.
I live with my husband’s parents and it’s very common in Indian marriages and they expect me to follow a daily list of DIL duties. One of it is touching their feet every morning although it’s common in india to touch elders feet and taking blessings from them, isn’t it weird to do that every other day and I already do it and it’s not even the issue but they treat it like some attendance ritual I must perform on time and will get looks from them if I didn’t do that.
I am a software engineer and I have chosen work from home to take care of my toddler but what I am doing everyday is household chores rather than parenting my kid.
We do have a househelp, but only for basic things like sweeping, mopping, and washing clothes. Cooking, dishes, groceries, managing the kitchen, and taking care of the baby? All of that is dumped completely on me, as if having partial help means I’m automatically responsible for everything else.
and i have to take care of my job and my toddler and do the household chores and I feel like I am working double shift although my FIL helps me sometimes in household chores sometimes it still overburdens me
if i tell them that I am not feeling well today and I want to take rest they will see it as if I am doing some crime and once they called my parents and ranting about my problems…who does this? As if I am in some boarding school and complaining to my parents
And I won’t get rest even on weekends I need to do something or the other for them and I get very less time for my toddler who needs the most at this age and I finally confronted them today and everything went silent after that..in laws didn’t talk to me after that and my husband out of station currently. My husband supports me privately, but the moment his parents start sulking, he goes quiet because he “doesn’t want more drama.”
Even in India, this level of entitlement is not normal. Most families share chores or at least understand when someone is overworked.
AITA for finally asking for help and refusing to be everyone’s unpaid maid?
Sorry, I couldn’t get past the I have to touch their feet statement. Like, what?
You are definitely not AITAH. Its very demanding to take of your job + 2-year-old toddler. I am super happy you finally stood up for yourself because nobody seems to do that sadly.
Your husband has to openly support your decision of not being un-paid maid anymore. Its a coward behaviour to stay silent when you need his support.
NTA
Times are changing for everyone and your son is your priority. You need to set your boundaries no matter how pissy they get.
I’d personally move, but don’t know if you’re “allowed” to.
NTA. The problem here is your husband. Your in-laws treat you this way because your husband allows them to. I, too, come from a culture that elevates in-laws to god-like status so I understand what you are going through. Your husband needs to grow a pair.
Can you move out and not live with your in-laws?
NTA, but honey…it doesn’t sound like any of this is going to change unless you move out or hire more help. I know it’s not the usual choice in Indian families, but your in-laws are overly demanding and your husband won’t back you up, so it’s either keep fighting this same fight over and over or make a real change. Maybe that change is hiring a housekeeper who does more; maybe someone who takes on everything in the kitchen (cooking, food shopping, dishes, cleaning the kitchen, etc, maybe even meal planning if you want), in addition to light cleaning. Maybe that change is moving out. You should demand what you need and make it happen, because you know you deserve better than wearing yourself to a thread and nobody else in your family is going to choose what is good for you (or for your child, from the sound of things).
You have a good job. Take your money and your child and move out.
NTA. Your position seems reasonable, morally speaking. But as long as you live in their house, they’re going to have the power. If you and your husband won’t leave (I know living with the husband’s parents is common in India), then your options are limited. They’ll continue to apply pressure, to your family, to your husband, to get you to comply.
Options:
1. Just accept it. Obviously this isn’t what you want, but it is technically a choice you can make
2. Leave. This is expensive, and may be socially penalized, but you and your husband can afford your own home, and the workers you’d need to help run it.
3. Offer money instead of time. “I’m not going to do those household chores. But here’s what I’m willing to pay to help hire someone to do them for all of us” is a pretty reasonable position.
You’re financially independent. Try a tougher method. This is not going to change easily and going to suck your mental and physical health into an irreversible spiral. It’s going to kill your love for your husband. Breed resentment and contempt in your heart. It’s going to pass on generational trauma to your child.
Sit down and think through how you want your life and your day. Draw up a routine which includes your husband contributing too and might involve adding more paid help. Tell your husband this needs to be followed else you will walk out. Use a marriage counsellor to mediate if needed. What’s the point of touching feet if you don’t feel like daily? Rituals should be voluntary else they are meaningless. Your in laws just use this as a power play, it’s not about respect.
Indian working woman here who earned more than her husband, did all household chores and faced all abuse for 14 years till it caused major auto immune health issues and mental health issues leading to a breakdown.
Advocate for yourself because he will not. No one else will. Do it for your child. He deserves a happier mother and not this martyr who will extract her pound of flesh from him unknowingly.
Hugs and all the best
This is who you should be talking to about this. Someone who understands because she’s experienced it.
OK, US white guy here, but have Indian friends and coworkers, take it for what it’s worth.
Where is your husband in all this? You don’t mention him once. Is he OK with this? Does he even know what is going on, or care? Did you ever discuss what roles you would play before you married?
It sounds as if your husband’s family (and maybe your husband) expects you to fulfill a very traditional role. But you are working. Are they OK with you quitting your job to spend your day cooking, bowing to touch their feet, etc?
On the feet touching—I HAVE heard of and even seen this, but NEVER as an ongoing daily obligation, especially \*within\* a family, espec not for adults. Things may be different in India, but even vast and mighty India changes.
Maybe this is impossible, but working outside the home might be a better option, even given the cost and hassle.
NTA – you have an in-law problem AND a husband problem. Either he steps up or you need to move out before it kills you. You can’t work from home in this environment. You HAVE to find some balance before it starts to impact your health.
Indian woman here:
You have a husband problem. He needs to grow a spine.
The inlaws will keep pushing you down if you let them.
Let dinner be late, let the in-laws wait for their tea!
Or tell them you can leave your job to be a full time cook, nanny and servant. I am sure they want the financial contribution you bring too.
Let them moan and complain. Your parents are not your bosses either.
You are a grown woman and not a child bride to be tethered to a cooker and kiss the feet of undeserving people. They have done nothing to earn your respect and neither it seems has your husband.
Indian American here
💯
All of this op