Hi Reddit, please settle this for me,
I do all the laundry for the household.
One thing I will not do, is categorically check pockets before putting stuff in the wash. Ofc if I feel something in a pocket while I’m putting stuff on the washer, I’ll take it out! But I don’t stop, go through the pile, check pockets, and THEN put stuff in the wash.
Honestly, I forget (dxed ADHD), and also, I refuse. Take your stuff out of your pockets. Someone’s already doing your whole ass laundry for you, including folding and putting away, you can do that one thing to make the task go smoothly, right?
We have had this argument before, where he says that I should check pockets and do laundry in alk these specific ways, and I say, "I’m fine with how I do my clothes, if you’d like your laundry done a specific way, you do it, and if you want your pockets checked, you check them."
Anyway, our septic has been broken for a month so there’s been no laundry except taking essentials to the laundromat since around Christmas. Quite a lot of clothes built up. Today I finally got to do laundry! I told him I’d just be starting from the top of the Laundry Mountain to make space, and once there was some room he could help by going through and making sure his pockets were checked, because I wasn’t going to. I also said he could help by doing some of the folding and putting away since I was doing the washing and drying.
He didn’t do any of that. So when I was folding and putting away the last load, I had to un tape a bunch of clothes because there was a roll of tape in one of his pockets! And he said I should have checked, and I said "no, you check." And he said "okay, if you’re too lazy to check before putting stuff in the washer," and I said, "or if you want your laundry done for you, you could check before putting stuff in the hamper?"
And then he brought up some other criticisms about how I do laundry, so I said "I know how we can solve this. We can get a separate hamper for your clothes, and I can do my laundry my way, and you can do your laundry your way," which honestly seems like a good solution that I’ve proposed before and didn’t work because he never actually did his laundry. Anyway he said "yeah that’s fine as long as you know it’s because you’re too lazy to check pockets,"
Fwiw we are both in our 30s, both work although I am currently the main breadwinner he’s been the main breadwinner in the past. We are supposed to be working on sharing the domestic responsibilities equally, at least that’s really important to me and he’s trying to work on it.
Anyway, AITA for refusing to check pockets and is it fair to just get a second hamper and stop doing his laundry?
I believe that if someone doesn’t like how you ‘cook, do laundry, mow the yard, clean the house, etc…’ They can do it themselves, NTA.
Stop doing his laundry.
>didn’t work because he never actually did his laundry
Yes, that did work! NTA. Stop doing his laundry completely. If you find his laundry combined with yours, put it on the floor and don’t do it. Simple.
Stop cooking his meals, stop cleaning up after him. He never does his housework? Don’t do it for him.
One time my spouse complained that I had thrown some clothes he still wanted into the hamper (wearing jeans for a couple days etc) and I shouldn’t pick up his clothes. I asked him how he thought ANY of his clothes got into the hamper because I pick them up ALL THE TIME b and he didn’t believe me. So I did what he asked and I stopped.
A week or two later, “honey I can’t find any socks, are there any in the clean laundry?” I dunno, you can check. No, there’s not. Well, maybe they’re… all over the floor! Exactly like I said, because I’ve been the one picking your socks up and throwing them in the hamper!
Lessons were learned and he stopped complaining about me ticking his clothes but also started putting things in the hamper. Running out of socks & undies is the only way to learn sometimes
NTA
> Anyway he said “yeah that’s fine as long as you know it’s because you’re too lazy to check pockets,”
Is where I would seriously considered to move out. The mindset behind that statement there has the potential to seep in everywhere in life, and that is not going to be pleasant.
This got me too. He just had to have the last word.
Let him think whatever he wants, but he’s doing his own laundry from now on. Also, dorm rules apply – he leaves his laundry in the washer and/or dryer for over an hour, hoping you’ll just move it along for him? It’s being taken out and plopped in a basket because other people need to do their laundry too.
Blaming everything on her. Manipulative bastard.
I mean, isn’t he also too lazy to check his pockets?? Honestly he sounds insufferable. I would have stopped doing his laundry ages ago. NTA.
He called you lazy?! I would never do his laundry again.
>He called you lazy?! I would never do ~~his laundry~~ anything for him ever again.
FTFY.
I’m too lazy to cook you dinner. Single portion for me. I’m too lazy to get your mail, it’s still in the mailbox, but I have my stuff. I’m too lazy to… wait, it would just be easier to start talking to a lawyer.
NTA, but I have news for you: he’s not trying to work on it. He’s quite happy letting you do his share of the household chores.
So yeah. Time to enforce consequences.
Get a second laundry hamper, and make sure only your clothes go in your hamper. Do not wash anything of his. If something of his turns up in your hamper, quietly put it back in his and leave it unwashed. If he runs out of clean clothes, do not cave and do his laundry. Just go to work as normal/go out for a coffee and take a break.
While you’re at it, it’s time to assess whether laundry is the only thing he’s doing this with. And if you haven’t read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, then it might be worth a glance, just in case it rings any bells.
Seems like two people are “too lazy to check pockets” but only one of them is responsible for checking pockets and it’s the owner of the pockets.
This is weaponized incompetence on his part. Then he gets to criticize and belittle you? F*ck no. This is so passive aggressive and I am wondering if it’s related to his feelings about you being the main breadwinner, although it seems like it’s a long standing problem. It’s like you are his mom figure. Trying to figure out what you’re getting from this? Being alone is so much better than dealing with this crap.