TLDR. I’m leaving a higher paying overseas job to move in with my boyfriend. He bought a house in his name and expects me to contribute to the mortgage. I said no since I’ll have no ownership stake. AITA?
I (33) have worked abroad for eight years. Last year in Japan, I met my boyfriend (53). After a year together, I was assigned to mainland China. Due to security restrictions, he could not move there and returned to DC.
We’ve been serious from the start about wanting marriage and kids and a life together. We’ve met each other’s families. Before I left Japan, we agreed I’d stay in China max one year since we wanted to move forward.
I was clear that if I left my overseas career to return to the US (quitting my job) I expected real commitment: an engagement and house for us to live in together.
Shortly after returning to the US he bought a house. Its beautiful but the mortgage is 6k/month. It’s larger than we need and in an area I would not choose–its also entirely in his name. He already owns two rental properties and thinks of this as the next one. His job provides housing reimbursement as well, so he isnt paying the full 6k/month out of pocket. He’s been preparing the house for my arrival, which I appreciate, though he refers to it as a rental, "not our forever home."
In DC i’ll earn about 66% of my overseas salary, and aboard my housing is fully covered, but not in DC. After six months apart (including two trips back I paid for), I decided to end my three year China assignment early to move back.
Recently, while discussing my move, he asked how much of the mortgage I planned on paying. I thought he was joking, he wasn’t.
He said I’d pay about 2k/month renting alone in DC, so contributing would be reasonable. I told him I expected to pay zero towards a mortgage on a property I dont own–especially since I would not be moving back at all if it were not for our relationship.
He’s somewhat traditional. When we visit his family, women handle the cooking and childcare. When his dad came to Japan for three months, I cooked nightly and managed logistics (partly situational as I speak Japanese and have lived there longer). I was surprised by the question because I assumed he saw himself as the financial provider of "us."
I got emotional and said I needed him to signal stability and appreciation for the professional and financial sacrifice I’m making. Further, paying his mortgage feels like subsidizing his investment.
I also quipped that he should ask his friends wives (majority of whom do not work) how much they pay towards their mortgage. He said if I were not working it wouldn’t be a question, but since I will be, contributing is fair. He suggested I buy my own property, which I pointed out at this stage in my career is not realistic.
I said I’m happy to contribute to groceries and shared expenses, but not the mortgage.
AITA?
Edit: While I appreciate the input and perspective, I am not really interested in commentary regarding the viability of reproduction. Thank you!
NTA. You are correct, you would be subsidizing his investment, and you are already making a big financial sacrifice for your relationship.
Don’t pay for the mortgage unless you are added to the deed.
Nope. NTA. If he wants your money, he puts your name on the property.
One way you can equalize things is by covering utilities/bills. Then hes covering the house payment and you have proof of residency in the home. In the USA that will protect you from him just kicking you out if you split up suddenly. Youll have rights.
NTA
But you really need to think long and hard if you want to leave your career and independence for someone who’s asking you to pay into HIS investments. This is not a balanced relationship. You seem to have a decent head on your shoulders so I would really sit with myself and ask if he’s worth losing your stability for. Because right now it doesn’t seem like he even likes you. Good luck!
ESH. It is reasonable to expect you to contribute some, but it should be as if you two got a reasonable size place together and you were paying your share of that. He chose the big house without your input, he doesn’t get to leverage those costs on you, nor should you be paying as if you had exclusive use of a space to make entirely your own. This is a situation where you both need to be compromising and coming together in the middle, because you’re both asking too much of each other.
And I don’t care how traditional his family is, his family aren’t in your relationship. If you’re both working full time, it is completely reasonable to expect him to carry his share of the work that keeps the household running.
Did you mean to say 53?
Uhh…. I think you might need to consider kids and family with someone else….. Because like biology.
NTA
He wants you to work full time, he lay for his properties and be take all the responsibilities of a stay at home wife.
Are you sure this is the life you want?
Nta. But are you sure you really want to take a massive pay cut and end your overseas adventures for this crusty, old, saggy lobster who expects you to subsidize his mortgage? What on earth could you possible get out of this relationship? Be very wary if you move forward with this. I definitely think he will keep pushing you into a providing trad wife role.
Pay some rent money just like you would do if you were renting a place from someone else. Guess what? The landlord takes your rent money and puts it towards their mortgage. essentially you are paying towards their mortgage.
He is 53 and he has a traditional mindset. If you have a child, he will let you do everything by yourself and you will be expected to contribute. Stop losing your time if you really want a child.
Will you be ok having kids with a dad that will likely be retired before they are ready for college?
The 20 years age gap doesn’t seem important now, but 50 and 70 feel very different… you need to be in a position to lose him with dependent children still at home without that becoming a disaster. That means he needs to set up his financial arrangements to safeguard that. So do you.
ESH – it doesn’t sound like you have great communication. If you aren’t paying rent, it needs to be clear between the two of you that household labour or another bill is your contribution.
NTA.
ON the other note. I don’t think I will love anyone so much to leave my career, and them being the sole reason for my move.
To be honest, no idea what to judge because you apparently are leaving a high paying career, that you could save with, to be with someone who already seems to want to benefit from you without the usual commitment (aka marriage) . He’s already made decisions without asking for your input… is this really the life you want?
Seems to me that, besides the age gap, you’re putting yourself in financial danger one way or another (unless you have large savings, but still).
ESH and mainly you towards yourself.
How can you move in with him without discussing all these things? Especially when moving to another country and giving up a well paid job? Plus you give the impression that you’re going to be doing most of the household tasks? First impression is that you said yes to an imbalanced relationship where the fruits mainly fall to him.
If I were you I’d make things very concrete before moving in. Not the vague “real commitment” but “you pay $X for this and I’ll pay $Y for that”, “I’ll do the cooking on Monday and Tuesday, You’ll do it on Wednesday…”. etc. Chances are high that if you stay vague, you’ll end up in a situation where you are unhappy, because the situation feels very unequal.
Also discuss what your retirement plans are. He is 20 years older than you, so his career will be very different.