I 26F have best friend 27F since high school. She has two kids 5 and 3. I love them, and before this all blew up, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. Over the past year, Lilly has been relying on me more and more for quick favors that slowly turned into full childcare. At first it was Can you watch them for an hour while I run to the store? Then it became Can they just stay with you until dinner? I’m exhausted.
And recently it is I’ll drop them off before work. You’re home anyway.
For context I work from home. I don’t have kids. I’m not their emergency contact. And I’m definitely not financially in a place where feeding two extra children multiple times a week is easy. The thing is, Lilly never packs them food ever, no snacks, no diapers half the time. And when I ask, she says her budget is tight and she figured I already have food in the house. Which is true, but it’s my groceries. I’m already stretching things for myself.
Two weeks ago she dropped the kids off without even asking while I was in the middle of a meeting. Just knocked, waved, and left. I ended up having to feed them lunch and miss half my workday. That night, I finally told her we needed boundaries. I said I can’t babysit unless I agree in advance, and she needs to send food or money for meals. She got really cold and said she thought friends help each other and that she doesn’t have anyone else. Then she accused me of acting brand new because I’ve helped before. A few days later, she sent a long text saying she feels abandoned, that I don’t understand how hard motherhood is, and that it must be nice having a child free life while my best friend is struggling. Trying to blackmail me emotionally and all and I’m honestly not having it.
Now she’s barely speaking to me unless it’s passive-aggressive. Our mutual friends are split some think she’s using me, others think I should be more compassionate. I feel awful because I do care about her and her kids, and I know she’s overwhelmed but I also feel like she’s crossing so many boundaries that I’m basically a free nanny and meal plan at this point.
So AITA for refusing to keep babysitting and feeding my best friend’s kids?
NTA…Boundaries are important. You were being used. Mutual friends who think otherwise are free to offer their services.
All those compassionate friends can take over caring for your friend’s children. You are obviously NTA for wanting to stop someone from massively taking advantage of you without so much as an assist with food or a proper ask before leaving the kids with you.
NTA. Friends don’t use each other like she is using you. There’s a reason childcare is expensive. It’s time consuming, expensive, and a hot commodity. She should be paying you for a service, not forcing her kids on you. She’s being a bad friend. Where is their father? If it’s not you, then you have no responsibility here. There’s a difference between helping out a friend and getting walked all over.
NTA. But sweet girl, she is not your friend and sounds like she never really was. This has nothing to do with motherhood, you lost your only value in her eyes, and that’s dumping her responsibility on you. She is extremely selfish and manipulative and tbh I fear those kids don’t have a nice future.
NTA
Your friend is taking advantage of you.
“She doesn’t have anyone else” is not your problem.
“Work from home” does not mean you can also watch/entertain/feed small children. You’re *working*.
NTA. She chose to have two kids. They are her responsibility. Where are the father(s) of her kids? They need to step up and help raise their kids. I hope she at least has a case for child support. When you were in the middle of your meeting you should never opened the door. Her issues are affecting your job and your money. You are missing work. You are feeding and buying diapers for her kids. Her kids are costing you money.
“…A few days later, she sent a long text saying she feels abandoned, that I don’t understand how hard motherhood is, and that it must be nice having a child free life while my best friend is struggling…”
She needs to cut and paste and send this to her kid‘s father(s).
She has turned you into a second parent to her kids. She was shamelessly using you under the guise of friendship. She is not your friend. Time to block her and end the drama.
Anyone who thinks you should be more compassionate, which really means a sucker, can step help and provide free labor, free meals for her kids and jeopardize their job to take care of her kids.
Again she is not your friend.
Thank you very much
Not just the father(s) but the WHOLE family. Why aren’t grandparents, aunts, cousin helping out, why just one friend all the time?
NTA
Been there, done that.
Look, I feel bad because I get having some free/quiet time suddenly can be =intoxicating= for a strapped parent.
That said, no, she’s being very unreasonable.
I genuinely get why parents don’t fully understand this concept as they love the kids beyond measure and are stressed out… they feel entitled to a break (and in an ideal world are entitled to a break) ….. but not at someone else’s expense.
If these friends think you’re being heartless they can certainly volunteer and babysit and feed her kids.
The way you’ve outlined it here certainly sounds like you KNOW you’re NTA, you just need comfirmation. You are NTA. These are her children and yes, helping is one thing but becoming a free child-care solution is another. Anyone will tell you that to put YOU out of pocket (food and missing work) is basically taking money out of your wallet and giving it to her.
HOWEVER, you have created this expectation so now she feels more entitled, so you need to stick your ground on this. Plan out your conversation with her. She might not get it at first but the more you say it the more it will sink in. She won’t be able to just find other people to ‘pitch in’ and she’ll recognize how outside of the norm what you did for her actually is.
She needs to be taken off the offensive and YOU need to show HER that she’s been taking advantage of you.
*'(Friend), I don’t like being in this situation with you, we’ve gone from being great friends to you now feeling resentment towards me. I feel I’ve been a great friend, helping out and watching your kids for you until you find a permanent solution, however I feel you’ve been taking advantage of my kindness and my situation, and that’s not cool.*
*I understnad being a mom is hard, and you KNOW I have helped you out significantly. I love (your kids) and have enjoyed spending time with them however it’s turned into an expectation which you don’t acknowledge, you don’t appreciate, and are now angry at me for telling you it’s too much. I get that you must be stressed and pushed for the funds to cover childcare, and you’re lashing out at me because I’m not going to be the answer for you. If you need help, I can help you figure out a solution but you are not allowed to take out your frustration on me, the one who’s been actually helping you all this time.’*
As for the other friends who think you need to be ‘compassionate’….tell them it’s their turn.
NTA. You may have started out as friends, but now she views you as free…well…everything for her kids. She is taking advantage of you and emotionally manipulating you. Your friends have a problem with this? Calculate just how much money you’ve spent on the kids in babysitting and food. Share that exorbitant number with them and ask them if they’re going to start “being more compassionate” and footing the bill for her kids.
Next time she leaves her kids on your doorstep, call the police and report them as abandoned. She is using you. NTA
Friends help each other, right? So what help is she giving you?
If you have mutual friends, why isn’t she asking them to help?
Seems women with kids are jealous of women without kids.