Hi, I’m writing here because I’m genuinely confused on if I’m in the wrong or not. So, I’m a 20 trans guy, who had one of my best friends move in with me, who is a 19(.5) trans guy.
Although we are technically sharing a whole house, we have to share a bedroom and we tend to be in said room all day apart from making food.
My roommate gets easily overwhelmed, so he tends to wear headphones alot. Which is, fine. He tends to have his music or videos extremely loud so he can never hear me when I try to say anything to him or ask any questions.
The issue here is that I get extremely uncomfortable with having to touch people when it comes to getting noticed, which is what he would prefer I do to get his attention. Under normal circumstances, I’m fine with physical touch, I’m a big hugger and I like to hold hands with people. However, I’ve always had a deep seated anxiety when it comes to attention grabbing so I tend to shy away from it.
After about 2 months, I started to tap on soft objects that he could feel when it came to asking a question that I needed an answer for (per example if he wanted food or if there was an emergency I needed help with.) He, without directly telling me [I found out through a mutual], started complaining about how this is disrespectful and rude for me to do when there is physically no other way for me to comfortably get his attention in these situations. (turning on the lights wouldn’t work as hes always deeply focused, same with waving my hands, and then eye contact makes him panic)
He always has DND on for his phone and computer so I can’t even send a message most of the time as it will take about 15-30 minutes before he even checks one of our messaging apps.
Another issue that arises with my discomfort of touching is that, due to past trauma, I’m not allowed to leave the house without waking him up first, which of course is a huge struggle for me, so I end up having to hold back on anything I want to do as he can sleep for hours during my awake time. (he works night shifts)
I just want to know if I’m in the wrong for trying to find other ways to obtain his attention? and if I am, what suggestions to you have for me?
I’m just genuinely so lost on what to do at this point as its starting to impact on my mental state always having to make myself uncomfortable or make him upset/annoyed with me.
Added context : We live in my parents house, he moved in due to a really bad situation with a past roommate. We’ve been living together sense this last December.
If you have any other context you’d like to know, please ask.
NTA
Honestly, he sounds xtremely self-centrered with expecting you to take care of and manage his schedule while blocking out you and the rest of the world completely and expecting you to go out of your comfort-zone to grab his attention while he’s pursoefully blocking you out
Just point this out if he ever has the nerve to complain about you tapping the table or something
You may even have to have a talk about him moving out if he can’t respect your time and effort
What?
Do you live with your parents and your friend moved in too? Why do you have to wake him up before leaving the house, is that something you need or something he needs?
Basically though it would seem you’re just not compatible as roommates. If he can’t compromise on how you get his attention so that you are comfortable despite the things you do to make him comfortable then you just shouldn’t live together.
In short he either stops complaining or he finds somewhere else to live. Compromise works both ways and right now he is refusing any sort of compromise.
Sometimes unreasonable people upset themselves over innocuous things. That’s not your problem to manage. NTA but grow like half a spine because you are putting in way more effort not to upset this guy than he’s putting in for you.
He can’t tell you that you aren’t “allowed” to leave the apartment. That’s absurd and not something you should be allowing.
NTA
NTA,
The touching thing is sort of whatever, you should probably go to a therapist to work on this, but also he should get over himself or find a different solution (like get “noise through” headphones or turn off the DND for one app that only you use.
The not being allowed to leave the house when he is asleep is NOT OKAY. I’m not going to say he is an AH becouse you say it’s based on trauma, but it is not an acceptable demand to put on a roommate, ESPECIALLY if he is asleep during hours you are awake. You need to tell him that you either have to find a compromise he can live with (can you leave a note when you leave and tell him when you will be back), or he needs to find another living situation.
If you don’t do that, then you will be an asshole to yourself (and in the long term him as well, as this is a trauma response that he needs to work through)
NTA. This is really ridiculous. He has literally taken away every possible option for you to get his attention, and then when you finally resort to the last thing you possibly CAN do, he gets mad at you for that too.
I don’t understand why you’re not allowed to leave the house without waking him up? I’m sure there’s more to that, but honestly… his trauma is not your responsibility. It’s kind of you to respect his wishes, but… you don’t owe him bending over backwards like this to accommodate him. He’s an adult. He needs to figure his own shit out without making other people have to twist their lives around to meet his needs.
You need to sit down with him and explain everything you’ve told us. At this point, you are walking on eggshells in your own home to accommodate him. No one should have to do that, but if anyone should, it should be the other way around. He’s the one living in YOUR house, he’s the one you’re doing a favor for. HE should be the one accommodating YOU. Not the other way around.
I’m sure he had some trauma, but this is affecting your mental health too now. It can’t go on like this.
A person’s previous trauma is not a justification for them engaging in controlling behavior.
“I’m not allowed to… Because of his past trauma…”
Nope. His trauma is not your responsibility to manage.
NTA
NTA. It is not your job to manage someone else’s trauma or healing or problems, it is your ‘job’ to manage your own trauma, healing and problems. I don’t know what the problem is with you leaving the house without telling him, but you need to talk to him and tell him you will be leaving the house. You can talk to him and tell him what you need, which is to be able to talk to him about things, and be able to go about your business, since you have different schedules. If he is unwilling to work with you, he needs to be actively looking for somewhere else to live, and if you want to be supportive and proactive, maybe have some suggestions to hand where he might start to look.
NTA, and you are living in a troubled situation. While you’re working that out, try to get his attention by flashing the light.
Stop wondering. Sit down with your roommate and tell them how you feel. Like you did here. Just like you did here. Tell them you two have to work things out so you can both be comfortable. And discuss between the two of you instead of them going to a third party and complaining.
Really and truly, you two sound like little old ladies! Spoken by a not so young lady, by the way.
Both of you – fix this! 🫠
NTA but I’m confused why are you letting yourself be bullied by someone living in your bedroom? What kind of codependent controlling nonsence is that and why do you put up with it?
NTA
You guys need to have a direct conversation about the issue and as others stated, his trauma issues are not your responsibility. Don’t let him try to control you.
You guys don’t sound like compatible roommates currently.
NTA. He has hijacked your bedroom and made you a prisoner of his trauma and anxiety. I think you can see why his previous roommate situation did not work out.