My (36F) partner (39M) and I have been living together for a year. He is a wonderful loving caring person. While he can be stubborn, he is usually much better than me for wanting to talk things out when emotions run high.
Keeping to a cleaning schedule has been a challenge. For the last few months we have had a whiteboard cleaning schedule on the fridge. It is very simple (eg. bathroom – every 30 days – last done by – due date) the purpose of this is so that I should NEVER have to remind him when someone needs to be done. Despite this schedule he struggles to complete things within the agreed time. I find I have had to remind him/ask about when the something will be done. For example the bathroom was due (his turn) March 1. Last Friday (March 6) he said he was going to do it. It was not done until March 10. I had to ask about it 3 times, and had even gone back to the whiteboard and highlighted the overdue date in red. I found this super frustrating because it defeats the whole purpose of having it on the fridge.
Yesterday: we are talking about groceries. He works at a grocery store, but has to commute via public transit, and doesnt like to carry bags of groceries when it’s very busy. (Fair point, no arguments there). He also mentioned that he hates the paper bags (it rains a lot) so only wants to pick things up if he has the reusable cloth bags with him. Yesterday he asked me to help out by trying it remind him more/ helping to leave a bag on the counter by the keys bowl for him to take with him to work. This will help him remember to take it when he goes to work, and bring some groceries home.
I flat out refused this request. I said he can leave his own bag there for his reminder, and it’s not fair to put this on me to ensure there is a bag available for him to take with him.
He said I was being selfish and a bad partner for not even being open to have this conversation. We are now not speaking.
AITA for refusing to remind him about the bag?
Do you get paid more to be his manager?
NTA
You’re not his secretary or his mother. Hell, I don’t even remind my kids of stuff they need to do.
He calls you selfish and a bad partner for not reminding him basics? While he selfishly “forgets” to do his share when he’s supposed to.
He’s a grown ass adult. What would he do if he lived alone?
NTA
Talk to him about mental load. He’s making you “in charge” of reminding him to do his own tasks. You will become more frustrated and less attracted to him if you’re in a mommy role in your relationship.
NTA and this is weaponized incompetence on his part.
He shouldn’t treat you like a reminder app on his phone.
If he has executive function issues, it’s on him to figure out how to deal with them. Making more work for you isn’t an acceptable choice.
NTA. If only there was an easily portable electronic device that could have reminders of things go off at certain times to help remember things AND you could put in said reminders for yourself like a fully formed human adult…man whoever invented that would make a killing. /s
When you succumb to being his full time reminder agent on EVERYTHING, you will then become his NAGGING partner!
If he suffers the inconvenience of dealing with paper bags of groceries in the rain a few times-he will learn to remember!
And for the bathroom, just place the cleaning supplies on his dinner plate on the day after he hasn’t cleaned the bathroom.
His message is loud and clear- HE IS A MAN-HE DOES NOT DO HOUSEHOLD CHORES! SO FAR HIS MESSAGE IS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE- YOU SHOULD WONDER HOW LONG, AND HOW MANY “FORGOTTEN” INCIDENTS THERE WILL BE BEFORE HE JUST SAYS IT!
NTA, I think if he was doing his fair share of other tasks on time it would be one thing but he’s clearly putting the entire mental load of taking care of the household on you
How long do plan to put up with this?
NTA- he needs to implement his own solutions and systems. He won’t stick to yours anyway because your brain works differently. I have ADHD and make my own lists, and implement my own reminders. I don’t rely on my spouse for that.
Also, the easy solution is to get the reusable bags that fold into the tiny pouches that you clip to your bag. Then he clips it to his work bag and he always has a grocery bag.
That tip won’t solve the larger issue that he feels like it’s your job to manage him. Partners help and support eachother, not completely manage the other’s household responsibilities.
NTA but turn the weaponized incompetence back on him. If he asks you to do something, ask the same kind of stuff from him. Can you set me a reminder? I don’t remember how to do this – can you show me? Can you do it, you are so much better at it than me.
NTA but the more concerning part is you only clean your bathroom every 30 days! That’s gross. You poop in there.
NTA. Management is a full time job. If you have to manage him, then that’s your role – don’t also be doing the cleaning. But also, ew, I would have a hard time being attracted to someone so useless.
NTA
You make a fair point. He *can* just… put the bag there himself, to remind himself, of the task he knows he must do in the way he wants to do it.
I have adhd, and visual cues like that are very helpful.
I also set them up on my own because I don’t have a personal live-in helper. I take a minute at the end of the day to set up for the next one because I think better at night.
“Yes, I understand it would be easier for you if I remembered and I did it for you. *But that is true for literally EVERYTHING.* Every single thing will be easier for you if I do it instead. I am not willing to go down that slope because I am not willing to pull your dead weight into functional adulthood, because that is not fair nor is it a partnership.”
NTA. This is incompetence creep. When he lived alone he did these things, or lived with the consequences. Unfortunately the cleaning side of this means that YOU have to live with the consequences too. But making sure you have a shopping bag? No. He’s testing to see what he can get away with. If you let him have this, the next thing will be slightly bigger, and bigger, and bigger until you’re basically his mother. Don’t let him do it.