Hi, first of all, I’m sorry if my English isn’t perfect, since it’s not my first language.
The situation happened last autumn, but I’m still wondering if I’m wrong, since my MIL brought it up recently.
I have a 3-year-old, nonverbal son. We live in the countryside, so there’s no daycare available in my area. So, my son isn’t in contact with many kids. That being said, there’s a beautiful playground near my house. I often take my son there during school hours to avoid overwhelming him with the big kids.
So, we went, and there were little kiddos like him playing. It was nice, but they all left rapidly when a mother with her 8-year-old son arrived. I didn’t question it (it could have been many reasons for them to leave, not related to the boy).
The moment the 8-year-old arrived, he started growling at the kids, mine included. The mother was explaining to him slowly that it’s not the way to talk with friends. At that moment, I assumed the boy might have a neurodivergence, but I didn’t mind it as my son is nonverbal. The boy seemed to want to play alone, and since the playground is big, I took my son somewhere else. But the boy was following us, so I assumed he wanted to play (?).
Until, my son was playing with the slide and the boy followed him. His mom asked him to wait for his turn, and the boy started screaming "GO AWAY" repeatedly. He was flapping, screaming, and having a meltdown. The mom seemed truly overwhelmed, so I removed my son from the playground to take a walk to the orchard instead.
My intention was not to escalate the situation even more. But I heard the mother told her son "why are you always scaring your friends?" And I felt so sad for them, but I left either way.
I felt bad, so I called my MIL to ask for her opinion on the matter, and she told me that I should have let the kids deal with their issues. My son is 3 and nonverbal, I reminded her. But she said that by ostracizing the boy, I taught my son to do so. It wasn’t my intention, seriously.
I asked my cousin, and she thought the same, as her daughter is autistic. She told me that it’s common for neurodivergent kids to be rejected, and that’s exactly what I was doing (her words).
So, AITA?
P.S. I know I should have talk with the mother, it was probably my mistake for not doing so. It’s not an excuses, but I lack a lot of social skills 😅
Your responsibility is to your 3 year old. An 8 year old would be significantly bigger and probably pretty scary for your son. I think you handled it fine.
NAH tough beat for that mum and her kid. You have to do what’s right for yours in the moment. You’re a good person for feeling empathetic, that’s all.
You are NTA. A 3 year old and an 8 year old, especially with at least 1 being non-verbal, are not on the same level as to “deal with their issues” together. If they were closer to the same age, that would be different. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Your kid is 3 and the other kid is 8. They’re not peers. There’s no lesson here for your child.
NTA. You’re doing the dad thing right. Your priority was your kid. Not to mention the size difference between an 8 year old and a 3 year old. If the other kid had gotten more out of control, it could have gotten real ugly, real quick.
NTA. If they live in the same area and you see the mom around just ask? Not like you did here, but for future reference.
The other mom asking her 8 year old why he’s always scaring his friends though…. Thats not cool. That is something she needs to address.
You are NTA. Even without behavioral differences going on here, your son is much younger and smaller than the other child, who was struggling a bit at the time.
You weren’t teaching you son to reject an ND child, you were teaching him that at times, it’s best to allow someone space to be able to recover.
Not all ND kids belong to some big club. It’s expressed in different ways and as I understand it, it’s a very individual experience.
What if your son had been frightened and had his own melt down? How would that help?
And being non-verbal makes it unlikely he could discuss the situation with the other child.
Don’t ruminate, you are doing the best you can.
NTA-a 3 year old and a 8 year old aren’t going to work out differences. And your son is 3, he isn’t learning any big lessons on how to treat people yet.
A 3 year old is too young to “work out issues” with an 8 year old who is clearly aggressive.
NAH.
A 3 year old is already not equipped to “work out” issues with an 8 year old, let alone a nonverbal 3 year old. You are not teaching the 3 year old to “reject” anyone, you are protecting them from a potentially dangerous situation. Your toddler has plenty of time to learn about including others, ideally others that are closer in age and size to them.
I agree yes, you probably could have talked to the mom – but I don’t think you were TA for not doing so, ultimately you have to do what you can for your kid, and sometimes in the moment we don’t think about those things. I also don’t think the other mom is TA.
NAH
Everyone is doing the best they can in an uncomfortable situation.
NAH. Age difference is more paramount than anything. Honestly, this is a common interaction on playgrounds when different age/size kids mix. Sometimes you gotta take the lils out so the bigs can have a better time.
NTA. It’s not a 3 year olds job to work things out with an atypical 8 year old. Your MIL is ridiculous.
NTA. You never have to accept abuse. Period. It doesnt matter the reason.