Context: I’m 18 atm and when I was 16 i ran away from home for about 1 week after a big argument with my mother, who i have a very turbulent relationship with. I ended up coming back after a call with my middle brother.
Today we went to a dinner with some family friends and one of them was congratulating me on getting into the university i wanted. I’m the first person of our family to go to university (including cousins, aunts etc..) so this is a big deal for me cause im very proud of it. Then another person joined in and said I was a very good child and would love to have a child like me. My mother decided to join in and said I wasn’t a good child, I was selfish and self centered and I gave too much trouble and decided to tell them about the time i ran away from home (which she always brings up everytime someone compliments me).
The room got very awkward and people stopped talking and just stared at me. I exploded because this was years of situations like this happening. I got up and very loudly said that my mother was the selfish and self centered one, that she only cared about her reputation and being viewed as a saint for having to deal with a "troublemaker" like me. I told her that she should be thinking of the reason of why i did what I did and not telling the world to make herself appear innocent, and that my two older brothers think the same. Then i left and went home. I do believe i shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone there, but my temper was holding by a thread. We live together and she hasnt uttered a word to me, and left me a note saying i should start paying rent because if i think she’s such a bad mother then she ‘finally’ will be one. My brothers told me i was right on arguing with her but i shoul’ve done it when i got home.
Oh, NTA. You were right. Keep your head down, get a job, save, get out.
NTA, your mom chose the location to have this discussion, she just assumed you’d take it quietly. Never hesitate to defend yourself.
NTA – she isn’t the victim here. but you might have just blown up her reputation too
It was my intention when I said those things. I was mad at her behavior and I just wanted to pay it back damaging something she took so seriously.
Cannot agree with this enough. She was the one who chose to belittle you and your achievements in front of people, you just didn’t wilt like she expected you to. Well done! Seriously, I have a son who is difficult for me to handle, he got frustrated and overwhelmed one time (it was a weird situation and we were way out of his AuDHD comfort zone for way too long) and he ran away once. I still love that kid more than I ever thought was possible and I take every opportunity, whether he’s around or not, but especially when I think he can hear me, to brag about how awesome he is, and how hard he works on stuff, and all the cool things he’s doing. Who in the world would think it’s ok to diminish someone when they’re getting complimented for being the first person in their whole family to go to college?! I think your mom is jealous and possibly a narcissist. NTA.
Thank you so much. And you’re a wonderful parent! I wish you and your family the best!
NTA, if she gets to embarrass u in front of ppl she cant get mad when u do the same, she doesnt get some special privilege just cause “shes ur mom” or “cause shes older”
NTA.
Yes, it would have been better if you had confronted her at home, but you’re never the AH for an honest response to a provocation. First of all, she’s the parent, so she should be held to a higher standard. Secondly, she had all the time in the world to choose her words, and as you say, she’s made the same speech before. Meanwhile you just reacted based on the emotion of the moment.
I’m sure she meant the note about rent as a way to knock you off your “high horse” and demonstrate that you still need her. What she wants isn’t rent, but an apology. It’s up to you whether you apologize, but certainly you could say that it was wrong to do that in public at least. Don’t bother asking for an apology for HER starting it in public, because she won’t.
If she is serious about rent, then she will come back to you with a specific amount, etc. Understand that even if you are now an adult, in most places you have the right not to be evicted from your home, and it would take several months to force you to pay rent or move out, at minimum.
This is hard, and you shouldn’t have to deal with this on top of everything else. But what you need to realize is that your mother wants to be “in control” and you having such high potential is scary for her. Soon you won’t need her at all, so in the meanwhile she is scrambling for leverage.
She has given me an amount on the note she left. And is much more than half of the rent, which is crazy because when I was in highschool I won a scholarship and i gave her all the money to help her pay for stuff because she works two jobs. We have a lot of problems, but i’ve always tried to work things out and have civil conversations and she always goes back to the “im such a bad mom” and bringing up the times I messed up. I’ve tried to tell her how much that hurts me and i just wished she genuinly liked me and would show she’s proud of me sometimes and she always says she’ll change, and never does. All the comments just made me realize i should give up on trying to have a good relationship with her. Thank you!
NTA. If you ***want***. to be an asshole you could write a note back. Say something like “Your petty, ugly little note and its contents, illustrate ***exactly*** why you are a horrible mother.”
NTA and your brothers wound like m*rons, she tried to humillate you, talking with her after the fact would have solved literally nothing, you did the right thing by no tolerating her bullying. If they cared about you that they would have called her out
NTA. Sounds like your Momster is jealous of you and your achievements. My Momster was my first bully as well. You should absolutely stand up for yourself! I’m old so here’s a bit of unsolicited advice- Learn how to get petty and pithy. They want that emotional reaction from you so they can point out YOUR ‘bad behavior’ and they can continue to play victim. Next time something like this pops up just say, “I didn’t realize we we’re going to be telling family business in mixed company. Let me know when your done and I’ll share some stories about you.” Say it with a smile and WITHOUT any emotions. Remember her goal is an emotional outbursts from you to ‘prove’ she a victim. Don’t give it to her. Good luck!
NTA. She wants to bring it up in public then she will get her response in public.