I’m a 34M in a long-term relationship with my partner (32M). We’ve been together almost 7 years. We aren’t married, but we live together, split expenses, and make major decisions as a unit.
I’ve always been the financially stable one in my family. Over the years, I’ve helped out with things like rent gaps, medical bills, and last-minute emergencies. I don’t mind helping, but it’s added up, and it affects my household too.
Recently, my parents asked for help covering a fairly large expense for one of my siblings. While talking it through, my mom said I didn’t need to involve my partner because “this is family stuff” and he’s “not really family anyway.”
That comment stuck with me. My partner and I share finances, and he’s supported me through years of family stress. He’s never been rude or demanding toward them, just quietly present.
I told my parents I wasn’t comfortable giving financial help if they don’t respect that my partner is part of my life and household. I said it feels wrong to expect my money while dismissing the person it impacts.
They said I’m being manipulative, that I’m using money to force acceptance, and that I’m choosing my partner over my family. My sibling says I’m dragging them into something that isn’t their fault.
My partner hasn’t pressured me either way, but he did say it hurts to only “not count” when it’s convenient.
Now I’m wondering if I crossed a line.
AITA for refusing to help financially unless my partner is respected as family?
Absolutely NTA. He is your family.
NTA. Is your family homophobic? Because it looks like it. You had no obligation to help them before and now that they have show their true colors, they can start figuring out by themselves. They’re all old enough to learn how to manage their money.
Here’s the deal, they might just say what you want to hear to get access to your money. They clearly don’t respect your relationship. It’s probably time to stop being the family bank and let them figure things out on their own.
Lol, based on this they literally only see him a moneybag
What the fuck, go noncontact with them
NTA
NTA. Choose him.
NTA just tell them you have done your budget and there’s no more money. The fact that they’re telling you what to do and how to handle it, when they’re literally begging for money is laughable. Also sounds like your ‘family’ doesn’t take any responsibility, because they know you’ll bail them out. It’s time to close the bank.
Not only is your partner family, he’s now your primary family. First accountability is to the nuclear family you and he have created. If your parents and siblings won’t recognize that, then they can stop asking you for help. 100% NTA.
NTA. They are your family of origin, he is your family by choice. You chose him, so choose him.
NTA, and please stop helping your family, you are not a bank. Your partner is your family and apparently they don’t see it that way. And honestly I would go low NC with them for a while. They need to respect your partner and your relationship.
NTA- even without the partner as per your family’s wish, why is it your job to be the one who consistently helps those who aren’t financially responsible? How does that help them learn?
NTA. Tell them “Since the money I give you is household money, part of the money I give you is my partner’s money, and I actually DO have to discuss it with him. But, since he’s “not family,” he has no obligation to you. I can’t afford to help you on my own. So I won’t be able to help. SORRYYY!
NTA. I wouldn’t give a dime to anyone who disrespected my partner. Especially if you share expenses.
Their homophobia is showing. Doesn’t matter if they respect the financial aspect of your relationship or not, their perspective on it affords them absolutely zero say or power within it.
As far as them not respecting you, your partner, and your relationship as legitimate…. expressing that sure is a weird way to get you to bail them out (again).
You are under NO obligation to give them money for any reason and, personally, blatant disregard for my partner would be pretty high on my list of reasons to say no.
NTA!
Whoah, hang on, “I’m using money to force acceptance”
Acceptance of what exactly… your apparent healthy and loving relationship?
NTA but if I were you I’d be doing some deep introspection as to why I feel compelled to continually help out my homophobic family.
Money doesn’t buy love or acceptance only the facade of pretending to tolerate.