My wife thinks her mom might be going deaf, but it also just might be her mom being kind of inconsiderate in general. She asked me how I would approach it and I said if she really thinks it’s happening and it’s not just her and her dad talking too quietly (most likely), she should bring it up in a tactful way and let her mom know that she’s really thought about this issue before deciding to mention it, and mention some examples of times her mom hasn’t heard stuff and then get around to suggesting she get her hearing tested. She said it would be better to wait for the next time her mom obviously didn’t hear something and say "mom, you’re going deaf, get it checked".
She said that my way would just be "manufacturing tension", and her family doesn’t like beating around the bush. I said her family was weird, because most people don’t like to go from 0 to 100 on a subject, like being told "oh you didn’t hear that- you need medical attention!". She said most people don’t like being strung along about something that isn’t a big deal and keeping people in suspense is cruel, and I’m bad at giving advice because I don’t know how "workshop a situation". Why ask for advice if you don’t want it?
eh nta i understand the perspective.however as someone with experience of someone going deaf/losing a lot of their hearing, the earlier you deal with it the better. It’s embarassing for the person losing their hearing to admit, but sooner it’s dealt with better. most doctors/ear docs don’t want to be dealing with someone with significant hearing loss if they can help it, they always would rather deal with it early on. so nta, but i disagree with your viewpoint.
IMO, family is much different talking to other people about these kinds of things. My family is very blunt with each other so we don’t toe the line normally. But every family is different.
You have to know your audience. Your wife says her family doesn’t beat about the bush and are quite blunt, so your approach might be too subtle. In general, some delicacy might be a good idea, but in this case, it sounds like your wife knows the right approach. So YWBTA if you continued to push this. Has your FIL noticed your MIL’s hearing difficulties too? Why is he not saying anything?
Agreed 100%. Gotta know the audience and she knows it better than you.
NAH but there’s a spot in the middle of your wife’s bluntness and saying nothing. “Hey mom I’ve noticed you’ve had a little trouble hearing stuff lately. Maybe a hearing test would be a good idea to make sure everything’s ok.”
NAH for having a different approach (yours might work better for some people, but your wife and her mother are from the same tree and have their own style) but YMBTA for telling your wife that her family was weird and assuming your way must be the only normal one.
I’d prefer to be told straight out, and so would almost everyone I know. *But* she did ask your advice, it’s not like she’s required to take it. Also, shitting on your advice right after asking isn’t very nice.
NTA
with family it’s important you DO.
NAH. I’m with you in not understanding why your wife asked how you would approach it if she was just going to dismiss your answer. I don’t see how your mutual name-calling serves any positive purpose (“I said her family was weird” “She said…keeping people in suspense is cruel, and I’m bad at giving advice” &c.), but enjoy.
Eh, disagree. She asked him for advice, he gave a verdict, then she pointed out reasons that verdict didn’t make sense. Then he said her family was weird because he didn’t like those reasons. OP didn’t give advice to be discussed, he laid out an edict. If he actually wanted to engage with her helpfully, he should have re-calibrated the advice based on what she told him about the family.
NAH but it is important that your MIL gets her hearing sorted ASAP. Treating hearing loss is one of the easiest ways to lower the risk of dementia for our loved ones.
Slight YTA
Every family communicates differently, and labelling your partner’s family abnormal for communicating more directly than you prefer to was totally unnecessary. Potential hearing loss should always be addressed sooner rather than later. If your wife says direct communication is valued in/preferred by her family, you should probably just trust her on that instead of doubling down and calling them all weird.
Hello, as someone who works in healthcare, I wish people where more blunt. it is people who do beat around the bush that tend to wait the longest to mention a problem. Allowing said problem to progress typically to a point there it is no longer a minor controllable issue. People are to afraid to hurt a persons feelings. When it comes to health folk are often to stubborn or proud to do anything about it until it’s to late, bring it up NOW not when you’ve finally found the perfect way to ask.
Not just for deafness but for any other thing. Like mood changes, out of character behaviour, a persistent illness etc. It’s better to offend someone and them be alive then it is to preserve someone feelings and them being dead. In answer to your question though I think it’s just a different of style. NAH
YTA I don’t think your advice was bad, but she told you why it didn’t really apply to her situation and you shut down and called her names? Giving advice isn’t just shitting out wisdom from a mountaintop, you have to listen to the other person and work through their particular thing.